To Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley from a Biola Alumni who struggles with Homosexuality.

A letter to these Biola Professors and why I am concerned and hurt they signed the Nashville Statement.

I want to start off by saying, I love the Church.  I love my Christian friends. I love my Christian family.  And I am trying to follow Jesus.  It is a hard calling.
I went to Biola and I loved it! Best times of my life happened there. I am 29 and I struggle with homosexuality.  I like to think Biola is what kept me founded on truth and love in my very complex struggle regarding homosexuality.  It helped me search for truth and taught me what the Christian life should be.  

Biola also taught me a couple of things concerning the Christian community and how it indirectly ignores Christians who struggle with homosexuality.  It taught me marriage is the relationship all Christians value over any other relationship, even over the Church.  I learned Christians don't really value Celibacy or caring for the singles.  I learned future Church leaders are going to be carrying on the idolization that sex, marriage, and family are.  And the scariest thing of all, Biola taught me many Christians are not willing to lay down their life for their friend, especially if they struggle with homosexuality, but they are willing to speak up against homosexuality.  

At first, I was frustrated with my friends, but I realized they are only following their Church leaders, their mentors, their professors, their Bible professors.  Biola even has a program called the Center for Marriage and Relationships. 

Any programs happening soon to promote celibacy and singleness for the sake of the gospel?  Do Church leaders really want to talk about this? It seems we avoid those parts of scripture a lot.

A good handful of my male friends were Bible majors or students who wanted to be in ministry.  Most of them all wanted to be like Erik Thoennes. Dave Talley, JP Moreland, Matt Williams, basically any professor who was married and played sports.  

They wanted to get a wife by the time they graduated college, have kids in about 3 years, and work in ministry.

They wanted to lead the Church.

Teach the Church.

Have sex.  Lots of it.

Feel loved.  Feel successful.  Feel like they made it.  Be like their professors, mentors, and Church leaders.

Besides, they had professors and pastors talking about how great sex and marriage is in all their sermons and lectures.  How their wife is the hottest wife around.  Every example of true love I heard at Biola or at a Church was how they met their “best friend” and married them.  

Eventually, this affected me.  As I was learning about what it meant to struggle with homosexuality, I realized Christians didn’t really know what to do when they met me.  They thought I was hungry for a penis all the time.  Or that I am always lusting or that I am called to Celibacy or that marriage was going to save me somehow.

Because marriage was going to do that for them.  Marriage fits the successful Christian life standard and they needed to defend marriage too!

Save it from the liberal gay movement.  

Because sex is for a man and a woman.  

We have to speak out against sexual immorality, but really speak out against the gays, even though all my friends made out with their girlfriends until they got an erection or started lusting.  

It’s like you can make out until it gets lustful.  Heterosexual standards are silly sometimes.

But for sure we know homosexuality is wrong.  

And Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley signed a statement today to remind us that it is wrong.  

And this statement did the very thing that the church has been doing for the last 30 to 40 years.  

Reminding people like me that Christian leaders care about getting the truth out in the open but do not invest any time or energy to actually teach about how to care and love Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

As I was reading the Nashville Statement, I agreed with mostly everything, but the more I kept reading, the more I was wondering when is the Church going to come in?

When is the Church going to be responsible and do its job?  

As I read each article, hurt and pain started to build up……

Article 1 -  God has designed marriage to be a covenantal, sexual, procreative, lifelong union of one man and one woman, as husband and wife, and is meant to signify the covenant love between Christ and his bride the church.

(This is interesting because I have many friends and Christians I know that are on birth control that are married and don’t want to have kids, but just want to be in love and not spend any time with Christian brothers and sisters but want to live that American romantic life)

Article 2 -  God’s revealed will for all people is chastity outside of marriage and fidelity within marriage.
that any affections, desires, or commitments ever justify sexual intercourse before or outside marriage; nor do they justify any form of sexual immorality.

(but you have thousands of Christian couples making out like crazy, cuddling, having very intimate physical moments with each other even though their bodies don't belong to each other.  Do we just want to ignore the fact that men get erections when this happens? is that not sexual? Will you address this? Is this a double standard?)

Article 8 - people who experience sexual attraction for the same sex may live a rich and fruitful life pleasing to God through faith in Jesus Christ, as they, like all Christians, walk in purity of life.
 We deny that sexual attraction for the same sex is part of the natural goodness of God’s original creation, or that it puts a person outside the hope of the gospel.

(And I want to know how do us Christians deal with this in the Church? Tell us, please.  Stop reminding us that homosexuality is wrong.  We already know it is, but tell us how to fit in a church that idolizes the nuclear family, spends all their time with their girlfriends or wives, doesn’t care how dating effects the community, doesn’t know how to care for single people.  Christians don’t even value celibacy or singleness.  Please tell me who can I call at night when I feel alone?  Who can I experience touch when I just need a long hug or a shoulder to lay my head on?  Who can I live life with if all Christians care about is being married so they can have sex and feel one with someone? )

Article 9 - sin distorts sexual desires by directing them away from the marriage covenant and toward sexual immorality — a distortion that includes both heterosexual and homosexual immorality.

(Are you guys ever going to discipline couples that cross these boundaries? Or can couples just do everything they can physically before they start using the sexual body parts? Doesn’t lust start in the heart? Why do you pick on homosexuality so fast?)

Article 10 - it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval constitutes an essential departure from Christian faithfulness and witness.
WE DENY that the approval of homosexual immorality or transgenderism is a matter of moral indifference about which otherwise faithful Christians should agree to disagree.

(you bring up faithfulness here, but the Church doesn’t care about being faithful to those that struggle with homosexuality. Take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the speck out of someones else’s. I can make a list of my fellow Christian brothers who struggle with homosexuality and share with everyone all the friends that have abandoned us because walking alongside someone who struggles with homosexuality cost to much.  We cost to much time, energy, we get in the way of their heterosexual plans)

Article 11 - WE AFFIRM our duty to speak the truth in love at all times, including when we speak to or about one another as male or female.
WE DENY any obligation to speak in such ways that dishonor God’s design of his image-bearers as male and female.

(this is the most heart breaking statement of all, please tell me how you guys are doing this in love? How are you loving those that struggle with homosexuality?  Why are they leaving the Church in waves?  Writing a statement doesn’t do anything.  This isn’t love.  You say you see us as image bearers, yet we are treated like second class family members in the Church. Do you really think you guys are loving us by writing this? Really? 

Article 12 - the grace of God in Christ gives both merciful pardon and transforming power, and that this pardon and power enable a follower of Jesus to put to death sinful desires and to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord.
WE DENY that the grace of God in Christ is insufficient to forgive all sexual sins and to give power for holiness to every believer who feels drawn into sexual sin.

(Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley is the church even a part of this?  Is sanctification just an individual experience? Isn’t the Church suppose to be a part of this process?  This is so dangerous to make someone who struggles with homosexuality deal with this between themselves and God. This is so much more complex than a systematic theology statement.)

 Article 14 - Christ Jesus has come into the world to save sinners and that through Christ’s death and resurrection, forgiveness of sins and eternal life are available to every person who repents of sin and trusts in Christ alone as Savior, Lord, and supreme treasure.
WE DENY that the Lord’s arm is too short to save or that any sinner is beyond his reach.

(Why didn’t you guys bring up the Church?  Is there no responsibility on the Church? Do you not see how this is going to have major implications on Christians that struggle with homosexuality?  Do you see how you guys put all the weight on someone who struggles with homosexuality to deal with this by themselves?  What happened to carrying your brother's burdens?  Feed my sheep? Is the church the hands and feet of Christ?  Do you think repenting of homosexual sins is the thing that will save them from their sin?  From a “lifestyle.”  Do you think we need more than just a personal relationship with God? Was I made to be alone with God?  Was it good for Adam to be alone with God?  If it wasn't good for him, why are you making me be alone?

Overall, do you guys not see that you pursued Truth without love? 

You used one hand to say “Stop, that's sin!”

and used your other hand to hide behind your back so you wouldn’t have to reach out and say,

“Please, come be a part of my life.  Let me be God’s hands and feet in your life.

 Let me be the person God will use to help you with your burdens.

Let me be the person who will hold you at night as you cry and mourn over this heavy burden.  

Let me be the person to hold your hand as you long for healthy same sex intimacy.

 Let my hand help you up when you fall.  

Let my hand be the hand that is holding a phone as you call and give me an update about your day to day life.

Let this hand be the hand that opens the door to my house as you stop by because you are family.”

Do you guys not see you just shut us out so you can say the “TRUTH?”

You wrote 14 articles, one of these articles couldn’t say one thing about the Church letting go of the idol of marriage and helping a fellow brother out?

I wonder if this statement should be applied to you guys.

"Woe to you theologians, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry and you won't lift one finger to help them." - Jesus  

This is serious stuff now.  The church and its leaders need to stop speaking for truth if it has no agenda to lift one finger to help.  

You wrote one statement, write one more about the Church being the hands and feet of Christ and talk about some practicalities now of walking alongside someone who struggles with homosexuality.  

Stop hiding behind systemic theology and use your hands to do something. Be practical now. Meet our needs and let us be a part of your lives. (look up the www.the4tsandthechurch.com)

Christians struggling with homosexuality are dying over here and you are just concerned about being right.  

Please, stop it now.  Change the story. Open up your homes and lives.  

Imagine if you guys wrote a couple of practical statements like, "Christians, we would be blessed to open up our homes, give our time, give those who struggle with homosexuality some good godly intimacy. Let's figure out what their daily needs are and pursue them."

The reactions to this Nashville Statement would be a whole different story.  You would have challenged hearts and inspired hearts. Instead, you drew a line and said, " Which side are you on?" And you forgot these statements that you apparently need to make on social media will effect my life and other Christians like me. 
I am not bitter, I am just a little angry, hurt, and afraid.

Afraid I will live under the umbrella of the idol called marriage that is controlling Church and I will be a second class person like I already am.

We just want to follow Jesus too! But you keep pushing us aside.

Why Gay Marriage is good for the Church

Why Gay Marriage is Good for the Church

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy, and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. - Jesus

In the last decade, or since the beginning of the sexual revolution in America, Evangelicals have fought for a definition of marriage they believe is historically rooted in the Christian tradition dating back to the Apostles.

This became a culture war.

A social and political war that would define a Christian.

As states defined marriage, courts overruled them, states approved of gay marriage, and the Supreme Court then made a national law, the Church felt like it lost a war for what true marriage was.

As someone who grew up in the Church, went to Biola, and goes to an evangelical Church, 90% of the topics of homosexuality revolved around how sinful gay sex is, how it went against scripture, how gays are gross, how God hated fags, how marriage is between a man and a woman, how great straight marriage was, how great straight sex was, how great and intimate sex is, and how "God will judge our country for all the fags out there having sex."

How they are wrong, and we are right.

The 10% was if you struggle with homosexuality, you should trust in God, pray, be faithful to his word, fight your temptation, and learn how to be single for life, because it is better to cut your hand off than for your whole body to be thrown into the lake of fire, really how it is better to cut your penis off so your entire body doesn't get thrown into the lake of fire.

Because one of the worse sins is gay sex.

And embrace this lonely struggle because that is your cross, and God will reward you if you make it.

That was how the topic of homosexuality has been talked about in the Church.

That is how Christians gave a tenth of their spices, mint, dill, and cumin.

That is how they followed the law.

That is how they loved their brothers and sisters who struggled with homosexuality.

And that is STILL how they love their brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality.

And this is precisely why many Christians who struggle with homosexuality become gay affirming and live a "gay lifestyle" or really find a place to get their human needs met. However, I am also arguing that sexual needs or not human needs. Those are wants.

The Church has not given justice or mercy. It hasn't been faithful or given fidelity to Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

Christians have only been giving their spices,

not justice, mercy, and faithfulness

And so, why is Gay marriage good for the Church?

Because if we really want to save people from this sinful life that will lead them to hell, then we have to do way more than what we are doing now.

We must redefine "our family" into the biblical New Covenant Christ-like definition of family.

If we want to fulfill the commands of Jesus and the Apostles, we must follow the Scriptures.

The same scriptures that say homosexual sex is a sin say the family isn't as important anymore.

The Church family is more important.

The same scriptures that say sin leads to death

are those that say, "You are the hands and feet of Christ."

The same scriptures that say stand up for truth,

are the same scriptures that say, "it is more blessed to give than to receive."

The same scriptures record Jesus saying, "Let no man separate what God has put together (referencing man and women)

are the same scriptures that record Jesus saying,

"You can't be a follower of mine if you don't hate your mother, father, wife, husband, sister, or even your own life."

"My brothers and sisters are those that do the Father's will"

"You will be like the angels in Heaven who are not married."

and from the Apostle Paul - "It is better for the sake of the Kingdom you are not married…..live as if you are no longer married."

Gay marriage is good for the Church because it makes us rethink, reread, and question our hearts, agendas, and willingness to sacrifice and walk with our brothers and sisters who struggle with this.

This may mean we need more single men and women in the Church.

This may mean more families need to open their homes and ask other Christians to live with them.

We need to value friendship and keep friendships in holy covenants.

This may mean we need to start valuing, teaching, and creating a space for the gift of celibacy for straight Christians so this gift can finally demonstrate the power and resurrection of our God and how it benefits the Church.

This may mean those dating must be more aware of how that changes their friendships and community.

Have we been too concerned about being right and following parts of the letters of the scripture over helping and meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality in PRACTICAL REAL LIFE WAYS?

I created the 4TS and the Church so Christians can meet the needs of those struggling with homosexuality.

I want to keep talking about touch, time, transparency, and teamwork because that is what we need.

So to my family,

To the Church,

To married Christians,

To those I am in an eternal covenant with,

A covenant more profound than your marriage,

A heavenly and earthly union we are in that surpasses your temporary earthly marriage,

Can you be one of these teachers of the law or Pharisees that Jesus is addressing?

Can you be partially fulfilling the law but missing the more critical parts of the law?

The parts of the law of Christ that say bring justice - standing up for Christians in need of love and care from same-sex friends in the Church, these Christians that are being ignored.

The parts of the law of Christ that say have mercy - giving mercy to Christians will require you to step out of your comfort zone to meet their deep needs of touch, time, transparency, and teamwork.

The parts that say show faithfulness - being faithful to those that struggle with homosexuality in friendship, in being there for them, letting them be there for you, investing in deeper community and fidelity with them. Remembering that they deserve committed brotherhood and sisterhood. They are essential, too, just as your spouse and children are.

As Jesus told the religious community,

"Can you practice the latter of meeting the needs in practical ways of those that struggle with homosexuality without neglecting the latter of standing up for the truth?

To my family, let's stop talking about how gay marriage is sinful if we are not living sacrificially for Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

If the Church is going to make defending the definition of marriage the main priority and if it is going to make marriage into an idol,

the Church will lose the war of loving and meeting the needs of Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

So, Gay marriage is good for the Church because it will make the Church focus on what is more important in its mission, being the hands and feet of Jesus, who meets the needs of humans.

Besides, the Church is here to stay on earth until the return of Christ, so it will eventually meet the needs of Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

The question is, will we be the age of the Church that doesn't meet the needs and just stands for truth, or will your children or their children finally solve this issue?

And if they solve it, then be ready to answer Jesus on why we didn't care for the critical parts of his message.

Let's give touch, time, transparency, and teamwork to Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

Let's show the world what true intimacy is. Let's show them that Church intimacy in the New Covenant of Christ is more intimate and pleasurable than sexual relationships.

When you struggle with homosexuality, and friends that love and know you move away

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” - Henry Nouwen

The 4TS and the Church are something I have been writing, talking about, and sharing with others for them to help anyone that will come into their life that struggles with homosexuality.  I often write because I am inspired by events that are taking place in my life then.  

And this summer has been a summer of sorrow and sadness.

Last year two of my closest guy friends got married, and I was able to experience so much fun, love, and acceptance through their weddings and marriages.  

living up to my shortness

Throughout this past year, I have become closer to another friend and his family. He has an amazing sharing and caring wife and 3 fun kids!

Matthew and I at a coffee shop on a Friday night

Three couples have been giving me hope marriage can bless and include others.  

They have given me hope Christians can open up their home, their lives, their dinner times, their family time, and their family vacations and extend these moments to those outside their immediate family so that others can be known.

A friend and his wife offered me a chance to move in with them during their first year of marriage, and most responses I heard from other Christians were, “I would never do that.”

Kolby and Bethany have continuously contacted me, called me, let me visit them repeatedly, and I took them to my favorite place in the world, Zion! They have heard me vent and get mad at whatever I get mad at.

And Matthew and Sheela have allowed me to visit their house about three times a week, eat dinner with them, hang out with them, talk to them late at night; I can go on.

Regarding these men, Kolby and Matthew,  I have been extremely blessed by their friendship.

Kolby has been a friend of mine for years.  He was there when life got super heavy.  He was put in the middle of a very complex situation in my life, and throughout this time, he has shown me love, care, and dignity.  He listens to me, debates me, and we can get mad at each other.  I learn from him concerning theology and philosophy, but I also know I get to push against his fun conservative views a little.  I have been blessed to have a friend who wants me to be a Christian following Christ with all my heart. We both care for the Kingdom of Jesus and have many talks about that.  Our friendship has been difficult at times because we were both learning what it meant for Christians to struggle with homosexuality, specifically me, at the same time navigating college break ups, friendship break ups, and our passionate beliefs. Kolby has given me his full attention regarding understanding what it means to struggle with homosexuality and hearing my views on how great friendship is.  Kolby is also another friend I am excited to have for life!

Matthew Hooper was a surprise in my life.  We met because I wanted to hear the pain he and his family went through as their church split up over the topic of homosexuality.  We met up every couple of months the first year I met him, which has now turned into a phone call every other day and a visit to his house three times a week.  He and his wife gave me an open-door policy to their home.  One I wish I had taken more advantage of.

Having late night talks and snacks with Kolby Bethany, Matthew, Sheela, and their kids.

These men and their wives have impacted me in big ways.  

They have each given me the 4TS.

They have given me TOUCH(long hugs, even when I pull away).

They have given me TIME (Probably the most important of the 4TS in my life right now).

They have given me TRANSPARENCY.

They have given me TEAMWORK, belonging, and a home.

But this summer, I have been experiencing some pain over these friendships.  

I got to hang out with Kolby and Bethany for about 2 weeks, and we had a great time, but when they left back for Chicago, my heart was reminded we don’t live by each other.  I can’t grab a coffee, beer, or dinner with Kolby and Bethany whenever we feel like it.  I can’t play spades with them on a weekly or monthly basis.  I can’t live in a community with them.

And this past month, I had to deal with Matthew and his family moving up to Nor Cal.

I am experiencing loss, pain, sadness, and what Henry Nowen calls love.
 
My heart started hurting today.  

I realized I had lost families today that have loved me well.  

Families that have known me well and let me know them.

I get to see them still.  I will get to visit them and get to see another part of this country and have fun doing that, but it doesn’t take away the fact that I can’t go over their house anymore and watch a movie.  

I can’t go to their house anymore and cry about my pain in my life.  

I can’t go to their house anymore and eat dinner with them.

I can’t go to their house anymore and get a hug from them.  

I won’t get to live around them as they have kids and experience that new journey.
I won't get to know them as much and they won't get to know me.

I will be missing out on a lot.

Struggling with homosexuality sucks, especially when the church still doesn’t know how to love, care, know, and include us in their life.  

Matt and I at Disneyland

But losing the families that know how to love, care, know, and include you is just as painful as struggling with homosexuality.

There exist an emptiness in my heart right now.  

Not a dark emptiness, but more of a house you call home and one day you come home and all your furniture is gone.  

I think C.S Lewis says it well when it comes to grief in one’s life, ““And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

It is still your home, but your furniture is gone, so you need some new furniture.

I still have friends around me that know me and will let me know them.  

Some friends still have a hard time caring for me because they are unwilling or haven’t learned how to open their hearts to allow someone like me to be fully accepted in their lives.  

And that is okay.  

I pray God helps them and shows them I can love and know them and be a part of their family the way my three dudes and their families have allowed me to be.  

But at the end of the day,  I am in a season of hurting as my friends move away.  

I have been trying to embrace this pain.  This pain demonstrates the love I am experiencing.  The love I have been blessed with.

I love my friends, and choosing to love them means embracing the pain that comes along with that.  

I have friends today that cause me pain, yet their love barely touches the love these couples have shown me.

This shows God has given me new friends to experience love and pain as my old friends move away.

Part of the 4TS is teamwork.  Teams change every once in a while.  

We need to adapt and trust the management.

Trust that God meets our needs through the Church just like he is meeting the needs of Christians all throughout the world that are being killed for their love towards God.

I love my friends.  I know I will get to see them throughout my life.  

I hope Christians that struggle with homosexuality get to experience friendships as I have. I hope they get to experience the 4TS with married folks.

I hope married Christians remember their marriage isn't about them, and they can love and give others the chance of being known, just like God gave humans the chance to be known. 

Chilling out with Mickey Mouse and that is Bethany's brother.  He is really cool.  Glad I get to make new friends through my friend Kolby's marriage!

But life can get scary when you lose the people in your life who don’t just love you but know you and want to keep on knowing you.  I have friends that seem like they don’t want to know me.   

Tim Keller says, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life throws us.”

To some extent, I am losing that now.

I don't feel as known by people right now.

But I have to trust if God is real and loves me and cares for me, he is going to meet the deep needs in my life,

so what do I do now?

Well, As C.S. Lewis wrote during the time he lost his wife and was mourning and processing his grief....

“I know the two great commandments, and I'd better get on with them.” - C.S. Lewis

Walking towards fulfilling the two great commandments.

The Burden of Jesus telling you, "You can't have an orgasm with your guy friends"

As we were talking and having an intimate experience of friendship on the beach, I found my heart wanting more. I wanted more connection. A more profound sense of a bonding experience that proved our care for each other. I wanted to give my friend a handjob or blowjob. I was inclined to express my love for my friend in a sexual way that could make him feel good and loved. It was just for lust's sake, but to show I passionately love my friend.

This happens weekly. Sometimes daily basis.

It isn't anything new. This is the walk of carrying a particular cross.

A cross that the Church simply can't understand still.

(Honestly, it's been 6 years since I originally wrote this post, and now, I think it is just that the Church moves too fast and doesn't want to take the time to understand the complexity of what homosexuality is like in daily life.)

I pray God will take this desire away from me, but he doesn't. So I just deal with it. Jesus is daily telling me I don't have to follow him. "You don't have to carry this cross," he says. "You need to count the cost before you decide to follow me. Don't complain either."

I tell most of my guy friends I have this desire to do something sexual with them whenever I feel that longing. And they listen, pray for me, and still hang out with me. They carry the burden of my wanting to connect with them in sinful ways, but they also understand that I want to connect with them in profound godly ways.

As most Christians stay silent about the gay convo, not do their research on the fallenness of human sexuality and the experience of this with people that deal with these issues, men like me are trying to figure out how to live under the tyranny of idolized marriage, idolized nuclear family, and the loss of valuing friendships and the complexity of singleness in the 21st century.

As I have to listen to sermon after sermon on how great marriage is, how every example a pastor preaches is related to his marriage, and how Jesus loves the Church like a marriage, how marriage is under attack, how marriage is not valued anymore, how there are marriage conferences and retreats every six months, I’m trying to deal with the fact that I can't give my guy friends hand jobs or blowjobs.

And this is painful.

It hurts.

I cry.

I feel the pain in my chest.

I feel the longing to connect with men in what feels natural and loving to me and from me, but God says it is wrong. It is disrespectful to him. To his creation. To what friendship is. I wonder,

"Can I ever show my friends that I passionately love them?"

Can I ever show my friends I love them in a Church that only knows how to value marriage and family?

It is annoying to hear what women say about men regarding how they operate and communicate. Sometimes I feel like responding, "Hello! You can have sex with them! Fuckin calm down! Get over yourself. No one is forcing you if you don't want to be with them. You don't have to get married."

And this is the difference between those that struggle with homosexuality and those that don't.

We are forced to be in a community with people we are attracted to or want to have some deep bonding experience with but can't, even if it is healthy. The Church doesn't have time for that. And all the sexual longings we have towards men, which we don't choose, have to be controlled by us. There isn't an outlet. This isn't about an orgasm. It is about connecting in a certain way we are not allowed to. Expressing love and care for friends in a way we can't.

Yea, heterosexuals have to control who they want to have sex with, but they can eventually pursue those relationships. Those of us who struggle with homosexuality don't get to do that.

It isn't the same. Don't compare both wants of sexual desire.

And this causes extreme dissonance within us. We are going crazy about this. This makes us do things that we don't want to do. It makes us needy and trapped.

Sometimes I would rather die than deal with this dissonance.

I can be hanging out with a friend, and all of a sudden I just want more in that situation. I want to touch him, experience him, and express this deep passion in me that I love him. I want to give him pleasure. I want to give him a handjob, a blowjob, but I can't.

Imagine dating someone for two years before you get to have sex (for Christians, that is an eternity); you get engaged and get married, but then you remember you can't have sex with them. Then you hear how they can still have sex with another person but not you. That situation would suck, right?

I think the correct response should be, "Fuck that!"

That is similar to how we Side B Christians feel.

On top of it, we feel an indirect rejection because our guy friends don't want us to do something sexual with them anyways. Double burn. I used to wish I was a female so men could want me a certain way.

Then the heaviest questions come from our religious leader.

Jesus

"Can you be transparent with my Church and share your sinful burden of wanting to give them hand jobs and blowjobs?"

"Can you grieve with them the heaviness of struggling with homosexuality?"

"Can you give up wanting an orgasm with them and embrace the truth that it is a sinful desire?"

"Can you trust they will love and care for you as they include you in their family?"

"Can you trust not experiencing an orgasm with your guy friends doesn't mean you are not connected to them in deep, profound ways that even their marriage can't offer?"

"Can you realize they are worth having in your life, despite this pain?"

"Can you be there for them as they talk to you about their marriage, sex issues, and good times of sex?"

"Can you look at them naked and not lust after them as you go skinny dipping and streaking and experience healthy normal human settings?"

"Can you help them process dating, seeking my Kingdom first, being in their wedding, being okay with the loss of time you will experience as they get married?"

"Can you handle they will not be having sex with you, but they will be having sex with their wife?"

"Can you work on not getting jealous?"

"Can you handle they will at times idolize marriage, their family, and put you on the back burner and then come back to you because they finally understand you are important? Or come back to you because they realize their spouse is no longer giving them what they need?

"Can you forgive them as I have forgiven you?"

"Can you be like the giving Tree"? ( I am not sure if the Giving Tree had good boundaries, though)

"Can you make healthy boundaries, communicate your health needs and expectations, and hold them to that?"

"Can you handle the topic of Singleness as the Evangelical Church avoids it? Really, they despise it and don't even teach it or value it."

"Can you handle the church treating you like a child molester when I know you are not?"

"Can you trust my cross has brought justice to your situation and that I will settle this soon?"

"Can you cut off friendships that need to be cut off? Even if you want to have sex with them?"

"Can you love your guy friends you want to have sex with, want to give hand jobs too, blow jobs too? In a way, I say you should love them?"

"Can you trust I am real, and I will meet your needs, and that you are in my Eternal Kingdom?"

"Can you speak against gay-affirming theology and reject the unhealthy sinful nature you have and not give in to your sinful desires?"

"Can you trust the pain you are experiencing cannot be compared to the glory you will experience when my Kingdom is fully present on Earth?"

"Richard, can you love your guy friends like I love the Church?"

Many men who struggle with homosexuality avoid friends they are attracted to or situations in which brotherhood occurs because they are afraid to deal with these heavy thoughts and desires. It causes too much pain. They end up losing out on great Christian friendship.

My plea to the Church is that you will pursue us and help us carry the burden that Jesus asks us to carry. Even Jesus needed help getting the cross to his death point.

We can handle knowing we need to die to this sinful part of us, but we can't handle doing it alone and seeing a future of doing this alone.

This is really heavy for us. We need men and women who will hear our hearts, thoughts, and longings and still embrace and not be afraid of us.

Give us a shoulder to cry on, a long five-minute hug, a couch to sit by you on, a bed to share when we feel lonely, and experiences of adventure and intimacy.

Please just help us. This burden is too much at times.

Sometimes it feels like we are just trying to make it until the New Kingdom comes. There is no Heaven on Earth for us during that part of the Lord's Prayer.

We just trying to make it until Heaven comes down.

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Can a Christian man express his passionate love for his guy friends? Even if he is attracted to them?

As a Christian man who experiences same-sex lust and attraction, one of the most challenging situations is feeling confined to a box where expressing deep affection for male friends is not accepted.

Many Christians still believe that homosexuality is solely a matter of sinful desires without realizing that the underlying issue for men like myself is the struggle to form genuine connections within our Christian brotherhood.

Our desire to form meaningful connections with our male friends is not solely driven by lust but rather by a deep sense of love and brotherhood that we seek to express in healthy and socially acceptable ways.

While we see the potential for our friendships to develop into more profound and meaningful relationships, the various factors contributing to our same-sex attraction can make it challenging to express our love in a socially acceptable way. Nonetheless, we strongly desire to develop passionate and deep connections with our male friends, be fully present in each other's lives, and share our journey together.

I find myself attracted to most of my male friends, but it's not just physical attraction. I am drawn to them emotionally, spiritually, and socially, and I could write volumes about why I find them attractive in every aspect of their being.

In my journey with same-sex attraction, I know I have wrong lustful desires to have intimacy with my male friends, and I have good godly desires of intimacy with my male friends.

There is a split in me. God isn't redeeming me to be attracted to women. He is saving me to love my male friends and see them correctly.

My sinful way of expressing my love for my friends is by wanting to show them passion by giving them hand jobs or blowjobs. Giving them anything they want without boundaries and ensuring they are first in my life instead of putting the Kingdom of God first. I want to ensure they can have all the pleasures in the world without consequences. I want to experience sex with them and experience their heart beating rapidly as they orgasm. I want to share passionate lust with them.

But.....

I also want to love my guy friends like Jesus loves the Church passionately.

Whenever I watch a soccer game, I build up envy because I see these men on a team love each other passionately whenever a goal occurs.

They are running all over the field, hustling and battling against the opposing team to score a goal. They are sweating, breathing hard, and physically using their bodies to defend, attack, and outplay the other team. They know how each other works. They know who is fast, slow and who can be there as they make the play to achieve the scoring goal. They are yelling at each other, encouraging, trusting, and building on top of each other's hard work to make the play work. When it happens, when they score that goal, they celebrate that victory by jumping all over each other, kissing each other, hugging each other, and experiencing the passion for success and teamwork as they celebrate that goal. They don't care. They are sweaty, smelly, and tired. They care about affirming their effort and collaboration through a passionate celebration.

I hope friendship can be like this one day. I hope men like me can express the healthy passion building up in us. I hope men like men can be accepted as normal men just wanting to connect with our fellow brothers in a deeper way than what the world understands.

Society allows passion to be expressed daily through art, cooking, sports, and, most importantly, romantic relationships, especially sexuality.

In my experience, the Church only allows passion through sex, marriage, dating relationships, etc.

Can the Church start encouraging friends to show their passionate love for each other?

Can it teach passionate love of friendship is deep, meaningful, covenantal, and eternal?

Men like me, who have to separate our sinful passions and godly passion for friends, need an outlet for this divine passion we have. We were made to love and be loved. We are being re-created to love others the way Jesus loves the Church.

We need to be told yes about our passion rather than be put in a box and stored up for the coming of Christ.

If we can't express our passionate love for our friends, we will be trapped and indirectly told our love, our being, our lives, and our existence doesn't matter.

The gay community says you can express that love in a romantic relationship. You can get married, have passionate sex together, and tell each other how much you love each other.

But I know that is a sinful passion it teaches.

But I guess the next question is, Does the Church even want people like me to express this godly passion for friendship?

Would the Church even accept it?

We know sex is passionate love at its best. Two straight people come together with their bodies and passionately make each other feel good as they touch each other and experience an orgasm together. Will it only allow passion to happen through marriage?

There must be more ways of experiencing passionate love beyond an orgasm, though.

I have seen enough porn and sex scenes in movies to see how most humans express their passionate love, but I rarely see friends say passionate love for each other.

Can I kiss my friends (on the cheek or forehead) and tell them how much I love them and long to be connected to them?

Can I give them five-minute hugs, feel their heartbeat, and tell them how important they are to me?

Can I write them letters and call them Beloved, as the Apostle Paul did to his friends?

Can my heart beat heavily at the thought of making them enjoy life by serving them in any capacity I can?

Can I jump for joy at the thought of hanging out with them, going on adventurous trips, and telling everyone how much fun we had together?

Can I brag about my friendships and tell everyone how great they are?

Can I teach them the joy and hope of the Gospel of Christ through spending extended time with them reading scriptures, and encouraging them?

Can I make them dinner and plan extravagant events for their birthdays, achievements, and job promotions?

Can I mourn with them in sackcloth and ashes and spend a week with them silently as they ask, "Why the fuck am I going through this?"

Can I show my friends passion?

Can the Church allow this type of passion?

Can the Church teach me how to love my friends with passion?

Teamwork: The beautiful friendship of Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee

"Come, Mr. Frodo!" he exclaimed. "I may not be able to bear the burden of the ring, but I can bear you."

Along with Stand By Me and Good Will Hunting, Lord of the Rings is among my most cherished stories, portraying the epic battles, unwavering loyalty, and profound love that friends can have for one another.

It's an awe-inspiring tale of men devoted to vanquishing evil and fiercely committed to their comrades, willing to risk everything, forgo their own aspirations for power, step up to their responsibilities, and pursue their individual and collective destinies for a greater cause.

The enduring, profound, unbreakable bond between Frodo and Sam is undoubtedly one of the most remarkable tales of friendship ever told. Their intimate and unwavering loyalty to each other throughout their lives is a testament to the power of true companionship.

This moment marks the beginning of one of the most meaningful friendships in history. Frodo, a small hobbit who embarks on the perilous quest of destroying the Ring of Power in Mordor, is joined by his loyal gardener Samwise Gamgee. Samwise vows to Gandalf to remain by Frodo's side no matter what. His devotion to Frodo is so unwavering that even the mighty Sauron cannot come between them.

As the story progresses, we witness Frodo, and Sam confront solitude, despair, and anguish on their arduous six-month mission to destroy the ring. Along the way, they shed tears together, sacrifice themselves for each other, resist the lure of the ring, and withstand the turbulence created by Gollum, a newcomer who tries to drive a wedge between them. Their remarkable friendship endures the gravest of perils, and ultimately, their unshakeable bond shatters Mordor's dominion and destroys the ring.

The heavy burden of the ring's great, strong, beautiful, evil power lay on the chest of Frodo. The heavy-duty of great, strong, courageous, good friendship lay in the heart of Samwise Gamgee.

At a low point in Frodo's personal journey, a great discussion occurs between the two in The Two Towers.

Frodo: "I can't do this, Sam."

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out of the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: "What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo…and it's worth fighting for."

Frodo and Sam are relatable to everyone's life.

Especially Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

Frodo is like a Christian who struggles with homosexuality. The Ring of Power, which is evil, is like the very complex sin of wanting to have sex with the same sex. Wanting a sexual relationship inside the beauty and holiness of friendship. The Ring of Power is like sin. But the ring of power is not the identity of Frodo. Struggling with homosexuality is not our identity either.

But the Ring of Power burdens Middle Earth, especially for Frodo. Our sins are also a burden.

Frodo needed a loyal, lifelong, sacrificial, stubborn fighter to carry this burden to its end. And for those of us that struggle with homosexuality, we need a trustworthy, lifelong, sacrificial, stubborn fighter too! We need someone willing to dedicate their time, life, and hearts to the bigger purpose of the Holy Spirit's sanctifying work, as he is making us more like Christ.

And the Church and Christians can do that!

If you decide to walk alongside a Christian who struggles with homosexuality....

You will find yourself in darkness as Samwise did.

You will find yourself crying as Samwise did

You will find yourself sacrificing your time as Samwise did (Sam dedicated six months and beyond to Mr. Frodo).

You will find yourself walking in loneliness as Samwise did.

You must bring hope and courage to this friendship as Samwise did.

And when all hope is gone in someone struggling with this sin (which can happen a lot), you will find yourself saying to your fellow brother who struggles with homosexuality…

"Come on," he cried. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

For Christians who find parallels in Frodo's journey, it's important to acknowledge that the wounds incurred on such a difficult path can be profound and long-lasting. The scars may remain even when the darkness has lifted and life is again good. However, like Frodo, who faced unimaginable challenges and succumbed to the ring's power at times, there is still hope for redemption and restoration. At the end of his journey, Frodo was granted the privilege of traveling to the immortal realm of the elves for his noble sacrifice in bearing such a heavy burden. In the same way, as Christians, we can trust in the power of Christ to heal our wounds and bring us to an eternal place of peace and rest.

We struggle because we know it is good on this side of the Kingdom of Christ.

Our struggle with homosexuality will one day pass. It is just one of our many stories.

The difference between our story and Lord of the Rings is that eternity has already come to us. Our wounds are like the wounds of Christ, our King who reigns now.

And our story ends and begins with this statement,

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with this burden, now I will bless you. Come and share your master's happiness!"

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Teamwork: What Pastors shouldn’t say to Christians struggling with Homosexuality.

Local Church Teamwork is essential to the sanctification of Christians. We know churches are good and bad at addressing specific cultural topics. Usually, teachers and pastors of local Evangelical churches are the ones who guide the local Church culture.

We are all growing and learning.

I don't believe Church leaders have bad intentions. Still, I am learning that most church leaders do not know how to give helpful advice to Christians struggling with homosexuality, and local Churches are expecting Church leaders to know the answers to this topic. So let's start with what Church leaders shouldn't say to Christians struggling with homosexuality.

Here are some pointers

1. Don't tell them to pursue a life of celibacy.

Celibacy is a lifestyle the Holy Spirit gives someone for the gospel's sake for the local church. As Wesley Hill Beautifully Wrote:

"I suggested that celibacy is an important reminder that love isn't reducible to what we do in bed or over a candlelit table for two. It is a reminder that love exceeds the boundaries of the nuclear family. Celibacy is not about a heroic feat of willpower. It's about giving up one way of expressing love to be able to love widely, profligately, and indiscriminately. It's about foregoing a spouse in order to love a community. It's about giving up the possibility of children in order to become a spiritual father or mother in the family called "church." It's about being a little less entangled in the life of the world in order to be a little more free to celebrate the coming kingdom of God, in which none of us will be married and all of us will be spiritual friends with everyone else in the new creation that God will usher in. In the words of Ronald Rolheiser, "Celibacy, if properly lived, can be an important way to keep alive, visible and in the flesh, that part of the incarnation which tells us that when one is speaking of love, the human heart is the central organ."

Many Christians misunderstand the life of a Christian Celibate and mix it up with the command to abstain from sex before marriage. Telling Christians who struggle with homosexuality they need to pursue a life of celibacy is putting a calling on them they may not be called to. However, they must be encouraged to seek righteousness and healthy intimacy within the Church community (The 4TS). So, Pastors, you don't need to tell Christians who struggle with homosexuality they are called to celibacy. You do need to encourage them in their decision to abstain from sex, but don't focus on that as much as concentrating on encouraging your church to love each other intimately. Encourage them to live together, like celebrating holidays together, living together as roommates (singles with married folks and kids), having dinners together, vacations together, giving each other hugs and kisses like the apostle Paul told his churches, etc. Basically, the 4TS. Don't put the calling of celibacy on them. That is not your call.

2. Don't tell them to go to God for their needs.

Jesus established his Church on Earth to be the primary means by which the Holy Spirit will fulfill the Father's will on Earth. The Church is God's hands and feet. It is the light of the world! It is the Salt of Earth. It brings the flavor. When Christians who struggle with homosexuality are told to go to "God," what is really happening is an experience of being banished to an emotional, spiritual, and physical place of isolation. If God didn't find it suitable for Adam to be alone with him, why should the church send people to "God" to be alone? We misunderstand the church's importance if we send people to "God" to get their needs met. The church is the hands and feet of God. Let's do what hands and feet do. We can TOUCH people with long hugs, give affectionate kisses like soccer players give each other, make dinner with them, share beds with each other, and lay in each other's bosoms like Jesus did with his disciples.

We can give them the 4TS.

3. Don't tell them, "I hope you can get married one day."

God doesn't seem to prioritize marriage in the New Covenant any more, like in the Old Covenant. God stressed family in the Old Covenant because that was how he would show the world who he was. So the Old Testament (the Jewish narrative of how God was using them) illustrates how God wanted to use Israel to be a light to the world. Still, they failed, so Jesus came into the picture. With Jesus came a New Covenant, and now God uses the church as a light, not the Jewish family. The church is the family, and this family is made up of married and single people. And I agree that the Apostle Paul thought single people could do more for God's Kingdom. So maybe you should say, "I hope we can walk alongside you as you fulfill the great commission in our local church." Marriage doesn't magically meet all the needs of a Christian who struggles with homosexuality. But it can help a person just like a strong church family and friends can.

4. Don't tell them, "I hope God makes you straight into a heterosexual."

Straight people are screwed up too. Why would we want to be straight? Heterosexuals and homosexuals are both screwed up. Let's not elevate one screwed-up people group over the other. I hope you say, "Let's pursue holiness together. Married, single, let's hope we can all pursue a holy, godly life together in whatever context you are in."

5. Don't tell them they cannot be in ministry!

They belong to ministry! They need to be in ministry! They belong to children ministries, middle school ministries, and High School Ministries. Men's Ministries, Women Ministries. Christians who struggle with homosexuality are not child molesters. Most straight guys I see in ministry worry me because they teach their male students wrong views of masculinity that screw up their lives. In general, I think local churches need to rethink what masculinity is for their church culture and community. But Christians who struggle with homosexuality are biblically not banned from ministry. If anything, a church that does this will harm them in massive ways far worse than struggling with homosexuality. Because what you are saying is their sin is worse than others. Why is an alcoholic or drug addict who is sober allowed to work with children? But those that struggle with this are not allowed? Let's not put sins against sins. Obviously, we need to watch anyone who works with kids. Still, those that struggle with homosexuality are completely fine working in Children's ministry.

6. Lastly, don't tell those that struggle with homosexuality to stay away from men they are attracted to, male locker rooms, male dorms, etc.

Men who struggle with homosexuality belong to male friendships (whether they are attracted to them or not) and male areas such as locker rooms, Bible studies, skinny dipping with the bros, and any context in which healthy male nudity takes place. You should encourage them to see men the right godly way. They must be told to let the Holy Spirit sanctify their views of men. Not to run away from them. That doesn't help anyone. That isn't dealing with our sin or waging war against it as the apostle Paul encourages Christians.

We can address many more topics regarding church leaders counseling fellow teammates struggling with homosexuality. However, these were the few that I thought were prevalent experiences that many who struggle with homosexuality often hear from their church leaders.

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Teamwork: We need help carrying our cross, so ask for it!

I got out of the church service, my heart beating fast, I called my friends, but no one answered. Then there was the last person I could name, but I didn't want to call him because he is married, has children, has a life, and maybe he would say, "Sorry Richard, I don't have time to hear your pain." Or perhaps he was about to have sex with his wife, so he isn't answering my phone call because he knows it will cost him a very intimate, pleasurable experience with his wife. (that's the thinking I started to have as a 23-year-old when all I heard from pastors and bible professors regarding the marriage relationship)

But I knew I needed help and was responsible for reaching for help, so I called him.

And…………

He answered.

He heard me.

He talked to me.

He encouraged me.

His name is Matthew.

I was in pain because I heard a sermon that hurt me. I wasn't wronged, just felt extreme pain. I was screaming into the phone, sobbing, kicking inside my car, and cussing loudly towards God because I was so angry, and Matthew just heard me. We processed what I was feeling.

I felt anger toward God because I was attracted to men and lusted after men, and had a deep want to connect with men. I had to hear a pastor tell me I needed to be celibate. That is when I lost it. First, I didn't even understand celibacy and the difference between celibacy and singleness commanded to practice chastity. I hate when a straight man thinks he can say that with authority to me. Doesn't he know there is a difference between living/pursuing a life of celibacy and being single and abstaining from sex until marriage? You can't force a life of celibacy on someone. Abstaining from sex until marriage is something all Christians are called to. That is not a gift. That is a command. That is a calling and a gift from God for the sake of the Gospel for the Church.

You can't force someone's cross on them. You can only help them carry it.

The cross isn't pieces of wood to put signs on telling others they must die for their sin and be celibate.

Or worse......

The cross isn't a 45-minute sermon on how you tell others they need to be celibate. The words of Jesus do that, and the weight of the cross reminds them of what they need to go through.

You can only help them carry it.

Trust me, they don't need reminders of how hard it will be.

Although I know the solutions to a lot of the pain I experience, I still feel the pain because of the lack of intimacy offered to me through a local Church.

At the same time, so many of my friends who are Christians and in the Church have loved me and offered me the intimacy that I need.

And it is great!

I have friends who have held me and hugged me because I need touch.

Friends have held me as I cried in their arms because I felt pain.

I have friends who woke up at 3 am in the morning as I was knocking on their door because I thought I was going to kill myself, and they answered the door. They talked to me throughout the night, gave me a soda, offered me a place to stay for the night, and just loved on me.

I have friends who have trusted me and been vulnerable in ways that are not the norm, but they know I need intimacy in a way that isn't normal.

The Church has been there for me.

And it is becoming more of a safe place for others who struggle with homosexuality.

Although the media and Christians who are pro-gay romantic relationships paint the Church as some evil place that discriminates against homosexuals, it isn't true.

The reality is that we disagree on this topic and think that gay relationships are ungodly.

So when I called my friend Matthew, he knew I wanted to be in a gay relationship, but he also knew I needed intimacy with males in the Church.

And my other friends know that too.

My favorite stories to hear from them are how they love others who struggle with homosexuality or how they are helping others understand how to love someone who is attracted to the same sex practically.

It is a bummer people don't understand our needs and don't always think about how they can practically love us. Still, I'm learning that is what life will be about, how to handle curve balls.

It breaks my heart to see so much anger directed toward the Church because of the lack of understanding the Church may have regarding homosexuality and other sexual topics the Church needs to address.

But the Church isn't Heaven.

It is human.

It will not be perfect and need more education on specific topics.

And it will not agree with specific topics, mainly when they have already been dealt with and settled within the Church for the past 2000 years.

Suppose you are a Christian that struggles with homosexuality. In that case, I urge you to be vulnerable with a group of friends that you can trust.

They will only sometimes understand, but they can try.

They might not always listen, so then you go to other friends.

They can hug you, and some might fear giving you one.

Others will ask you to move in with and live with them, and others will stop talking to you.

Throughout all of this, remember to forgive them. That is the heart of Jesus.

Let's not lose compassion, forgiveness, and endurance to strive for righteousness.

Jesus wanted all his followers to be compassionate, forgiving, and seeking holiness as we pick up our cross and follow Him.

Picking up our cross means we will feel pain.

Picking up our cross means we will die to our sin and evil desires.

Picking up our cross means we will die.

Picking up our cross means we will be resurrected with a transformed life.

Picking up our cross means we will be glorified like our brother and King, Jesus Christ.

Picking up our cross means it will be too heavy, and sometimes someone will help us carry it to our death, like what happened to Jesus.

When I called my friend after that Church service, I felt the weight of my cross, and he was helping me carry it.

He was the Church, the person the Holy Spirit would use to help me carry my cross.

He was the Hands and Feet of Jesus - The Church, and the Church is doing great!

It is learning how to meet the needs of Christians attracted to the same sex and lust after the same sex.

Transparency: Skinny Dipping, Nakedness, Homosexuality, Identitiy Crises

When Earth was created, man was to govern and care for it. It is told that man was naked and not ashamed. After man sinned against God, they hid in shame from God since their eyes were open and apparently “knew” they were naked. Nakedness is no longer a state in which man lives in. We are all clothed in one way or another. We're afraid to be transparent with each other, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. We hide in the dark. But Jesus came and changed everything. Through his life, death, and resurrection, he becomes the new Adam. He is not afraid of God. In respects to this Genesis account, Jesus now walks alongside with God as the perfect human in the new Eden, the New Kingdom, with ownership. He now is the man that will govern and care for people, sort of where Adam failed. In the letter of John, When Mary sees Jesus, she assumes he is the gardener, not the resurrected Savior. If I were there, I would say, “Lady! He is both! Because of Him, all things are new! Jesus is the new gardener, the man that Adam never was. The Man that I can never be. And through Jesus, we can now come back to God NAKED instead of hiding from Him.”

How does this story relate to homosexuality? I wondered for quite awhile, but then it connected with me after I experienced skinny dipping with some friends. One of the guys there was someone I was sexually attracted too. When I think of what it means to “burn with lust,” that term makes sense to me. However, I didn't have a choice to be sexually attracted to my friend or burn with lust for him. It was just in me. I wanted to be with him sexually, see him naked, and feel loved all at the same time by him. I wanted touch from him, affirmation from him, and I wanted to pleasure him so I can know he loves me and I can offer him something.

I want to define this word naked when it comes to males like this: A person that is exposed physically, showing their penis and balls, showing their emotions and heart, and showing their spirituality. I don't want the word naked to be a word that is blurry but has a picture.

As we're getting ready to go swimming, I had a feeling we were going to be getting naked. We were doing the causal guy swim thing, talking, laughing, jumping into the pool to see who can do the best flip. Of course, the way skinning dipping usually occurs is when someone gets out of the pool with their shorts off walking naked and then jumping really high and into the pool with everything all over the place. When a guy does this, all other guys laugh or look away as if its a gross thing to see. A man and his package apparently is not a pretty sight to straight men. But for me, I didn't want to turn away, I wanted to look. But it was dark so I really couldn't see and so I wanted more.

As time went by, I end up being the only one with my shorts on. Now, this is important to say, the guy I was attracted too knew I was attracted to him, and at the time I considered him my best friend. We had shared life together at that time and were very close. It was a tough relationship for me because I wanted him sexually and he was my best friend. I would never experience sex with him and having that tension in me sucked. I never saw him naked before or if I did, it was little glimpses but never like that night. As the night played out and I ended up being the last one with my shorts on, my friend that knew about me starts encouraging me to take my shorts off and join the fun,

join the brotherhood,

join the masculine world, 

join the vulnerable experience of being transparent

But I was scared!

I was afraid of my brothers

I was afraid of being loved

I was afraid of being a man

It is easy to assume I would want to join in the nakedness right? I'm attracted to men. You can almost compare me to a man who would want to be naked in a pool full of hot women. Well, thats what I thought as well. When he was telling me to take my shorts off, I wanted to say, “Dude, don't you remember what my struggle is?” The other guys didn't know, so I wasn't going to say it out loud. But when it came down to it, I couldn't join in the fun because I was afraid, I was hiding. I didn't want to be transparent in this way. I started thinking of myself as a little kid that is not tough. I thought I wasn't as manly as my friends were. They were so confident in their masculinity at this time and I wasn't. I saw them having something good and pure. Since they didn't struggle with same-sex attraction they were fine going skinny dipping. They had something I didn't have, normality. They had the proper sexuality when it comes to masculinity, I didn't. It is if they had the New Kingdom in their life, but I didn't. I was like Adam, he hid nakedness from God who loved him, I was hiding my nakedness from my friends who loved me. All because of my insecurities being a male. Being short and not having a muscular body like them. Not being good at sports. I didn't have a girlfriend. I maybe had the smallest penis out of them. Not having blonde hair and blue eyes. Even being Hispanic played a role in this. I was never comfortable being Hispanic. Going to Biola which is 70% Caucasian didn't help with that either. I had always been embarrassed to be Hispanic. I'm not saying this is right, it is just an insecurity in my life. Overall, my whole identity as a male was challenged and questioned. Who am I? Who is Richard Padilla? (just for the record I'm not claiming I had the smallest penis out of them, it was a thought).

Eventually, my friend who knew I was attracted to him started coming close to me in order to take off my pants and instead I ran out of the pool laughing but inside hurting because I really wanted to join them. I wanted to be like them, a man who was secure about who he was and not afraid to be transparent. I wanted to ask for touch, skin to skin, from my friends, but I always thought that it was just a gay thing. I wanted hugs and physical affirmation from my friends, but I couldn't put it in words to explain to them my needs and wants because I was afraid they thought it was gay, even though my motives were not to be sexual with them, but was mixed in with my sexuality. I wanted to be a part of the New Kingdom with Jesus who exposes himself and not with Adam who hides. I wanted my Identity to be under Christ the Brave and Vulnerable not under Adam the coward who hid.

My friend who knew all my shit was challenging me.  He was saying,

"Richard, can you join our brotherhood?"

He knew I wanted to join in, but I was too afraid.  He was guiding me and telling me that I belong with them despite my flaws.

Despite the fact that I am attracted to him.

Now, I am not saying everyone needs to go be naked, please don't miss the points I am trying to make, but don't avoid the questions that this article might bring up in your life. 

Identity is such a big part of the Homosexual community. There are labels for people who identify with certain sexual preferences and experiences. LGBT where the first labels for those who didn't have a heterosexual sexuality. (I'm not sure what's the most recent title so I'm going to use LGBT). Going to gay pride parades and The Gay and Lesbian Center for Orange County gave me perspective why people need to have a label. They want to feel they belong. They want people to understand them and love them for who they are. They want acceptance for being a sexual human being. They want to have an identity and not be someone lost in this sinful world. Heterosexuals don't have to question their sexuality. It just is. But those that are part of the LGBT have questions that come out of their inner being. Who am I? They look at society and see they don't fit. They become very introspective at a young age because they see something different about themselves. Those that are in today's LGBT community saw the way queers have been treated in the past and become afraid. Even in the Christian Church and at Biola it is still a scary place to say you struggle with this because you don't want to be treated different, even if they know you agree with them that homosexuality is wrong, you are still afraid. Now the LGBT community stands up for themselves. They will not be put down or be treated poorly. They want respect and they want to be accepted as a human because they are human. They want identity. They want to express their sexuality just like any other straight human being expresses sexuality. But then this makes me wonder. Am I suppose to be apart of this community?

Am I suppose to be in the LGBT label? I'm sexually attracted to men. I have experienced sex with men and like it. Am I interpreting the Bible wrong? Does God really allow same-sex relationships to be morally ok? Or worse! Am I an insecure male who has not found my masculinity and I'm searching for it in other guys who I define as masculine? When I see a guy that is everything opposite of me (tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, good at sports, muscular, a people pleaser, big penis, humble and gentle, respected by men) I have to ask myself, “Do I believe by getting in his pants and pleasuring him and him pleasuring me that I have attained that masculinity? That if I touch his penis I have it! Or instead of having confidence in myself, my masculinity, my body, my penis, my being, am I trying to fill in the holes of my being by looking to men sexually rather than looking to them in a brotherly way?

When I see a man I define as attractive, it makes me feel good to get in his pants and feel like I have him. When he touches me and I touch him, it feels like everything fits. It makes sense for the time being as we lay there vulnerable and naked that all is good. All the affirmation of making him feel good makes me feel loved,

but I'm I really being loved?

Am I really being vulnerable and naked, or am I just hiding all my pain and insecurities with this idea that being gay is really who I am in order to not deal with the deep pains and hurts that concern my masculinity and sexuality?

Do I really know who I am?

Can I simply just be who I am, a male who can skinny dip?

I think the most important questions to ask myself are these....

Am I under the identity of Jesus the brave and vulnerable?

Or

Am I under the identity of Adam the coward who hid?

The Beauty of Transparency: My Friends and their Penis

The reason I am attracted to men or attracted to their masculinity is that I am intrigued by the male body. This experience is not just a sinful behavior of mine. God designed males and females with his beauty.

The list of beautiful male celebrities is long. We all know Chris Pratt is attractive. Brad Pitt. Scott Eastwood. And pointing out that men are attractive if you're a male doesn't mean it's gay.

And the beauty of a male doesn't just point out the aesthetic nature of their face.

It includes their body as well. All their body.

Philosopher Maxine Sheets-Johnstone wrote, "A male's body is not anatomized nor is it ever made into an object of study in the same way as female bodies."

The gay community has made the male body just that, an object, but an object that has not been studied but sexualized. When I experience nakedness with my friends, especially those I am attracted to, I can get to KNOW them and their bodies and not see them as objects. Can I choose to sexualize (Lust) them? Of course, but do I want to? No. I want to know them and accept them emotionally, physically, and spiritually as my brothers. I need to be accepted as well by them.

A friend of mine once gave me the experiences he had in the locker room that I had never had, which is why I thank him and my other friends that experienced this (locker room, spa, skinny dipping, etc.) form of friendship with me. I'm grateful they can give me that experience, an inner child need, and an adult acceptance that I belong to the guys. The world of men. They allow me to be part of the team, including the locker room. I am not treated as a vampire thirsty for a penis.

Let's talk about the penis; obviously, men have penises. Throughout world history, the penis has been perceived in many different ways. In Ancient Greece, a culture that stressed a high masculine role, having large sex organs was not ideal. Greece was a place that emphasized male self-control in sexuality. They saw large genitals as gross and ugly and were exiled to the lows of barbarians. The penis' that were huge were looked at as a penis absorbing all the sexual excess that the "civilized" Greek would not permit to have a place in his own self-conception."

Our culture does not see it like that. Males feel they need to be the big man in the locker room. Susan Bordo, who wrote what I think is a fantastic book on the male body, says, "But many men, like women, get their ideas about how big (penis size) they should be from the bodies of cultural icons. (porn, magazines like GQ, etc.)."

In her book, she wrote a great chapter called "Does size matter," and tackled many topics men struggle with. She mentioned one story where a young man pierced his penis to gain confidence about his penis size and said in the locker room that the attitude of "the big-size thing" develops in the locker room when you are a kid. The big dicked guys send out signals that say, "We're better, Were more masculine than you..." Because of this struggle, some guys increase their penis size by getting plastic surgery to feel more confident in themselves. This then begs the question, "Why do men identify so much of themselves with their penis?"

Think about it, men wake up and pee. We feel it when we sit down. When we play sports and get hit there, we see it when we change in the locker room or shower. We have morning wood. We are afraid we can get an erection in public. We have to make sure when we are having sex or about to have sex, we are prepared and ready to have an erection. We must ensure we please a girl and are firm and the right size for her. We must be more significant than the next guy in the locker room to avoid being made fun of. I can go on and on about the standards of what a 21st-century penis should be and do. Bordo says, "We live in a culture that encourages men to think of themselves as their penises, a culture that still conflates male sexuality with something we call "potency" and that gives men little encouragement to explore the rest of their bodies."

Whenever I go to the spa with my friends, especially the guys I am attracted to, they are vulnerable to me. I am with them, especially with all the cultural standards we must adhere to. To experience nakedness with a buddy to me is faithful and brave. Interestingly, according to our culture, the idea of what a penis should be is that it should be hard and big. Bordo says,

"Most of our metaphors for penises are...stiff torpedoes, wands, and rods that never get soft, always perform. These metaphors may be a defense against fears of being too soft, physically and emotionally.....they(metaphors) also set up for failure. For men don't really have torpedoes or rods or heroic avengers between their legs. They have penises. And penises, like the rest of the human body, feel things.....The penis knows, too, that is it not a torpedo, no matter what a culture expects of it or what drugs are coursing through its blood vessel."

Men are given this idea we need to be tough, we need to be hard, we need to be powerful, and we need to be bigger. With how often we think about our penis and experience it, how can we not attribute being hard, tough, big, etc, to our penis? But a small, soft penis, that is a wimpy penis. It is not manly.

Nonerect, the penis can give a sense of vulnerability, fragility, and security. The penis is not always big, tough, and hard. The penis is not just soft, it is really soft. When cold, it shrinks up. And when I experience nakedness with my buddies, and they are soft, small, nonerect, I'm experiencing them, I'm experiencing their bodies. I'm experiencing them being vulnerable with me. There is a risk I can make fun of them. They can make fun of me, I have a bigger penis than some of my friends, and some have a bigger penis than me. It is what it is. And if we accept each other and our bodies, it will help many men overcome many bigger insecurities in their life. They will not use women's bodies for their own insecurities.

I get incredibly annoyed when men boast confidence because they get a girlfriend. Stand side by side with another male naked without comparing your body and feeling you need to be bigger down there to be more of a man, then I will consider you strong, tough, big, and hard.

We need to learn to be comfortable with our bodies. I needed to learn that. Instead of trying to be like my attractive friends, who have better bodies than me, I need to know to accept my body. That has been the lesson I have had to learn regarding my masculinity. I hope my friends accept me and help me pursue the way I can be a man, and I hope I can help them pursue ways they can be a man.

What is interesting about Bordo is that she is a female sociologist who wrote about the male body and researched how men identify themselves with their bodies. She brought up an experiment that an evolutionary biologist did concerning women and what they think of the penis, and what he concluded was interesting. He reported that women, when it comes to the sight of the penis, are not really attracted to it. "The ones really fascinated by the penis and its dimensions are men. In the showers in men's locker rooms, men routinely size up each other's endowment."

What are some conclusions we can learn from our culture? Our culture wants us to define ourselves by our penis. And when we do and don't meet the standards that the media, porn, and others set, we feel like we fail. We are not big enough. So we hide. We hide from our wives, our friends, and ourselves. We are not okay with our bodies. Also, according to Greif, we can conclude some friendships are maintained at a physical and emotional distance because men fear emotional and physical closeness, which they can link to homosexuality. Because of this, some men can develop shallow friendships. Greif mentions that although men bond through sports, they hit each other, and there is more physical contact, it doesn't mean deep emotional friendships are formed.

When I go to the spa with friends, I experience the opposite. I feel accepted, known, and vulnerable. I also accept and give my friends affirmation by not making fun of their bodies. Once, I was with my friend Jack and my buddy Dave. Dave commented that his penis was smaller than the average size, and Jack said he had a good size. Now, this might be fun and even sound "gay," but what better way to lift a man's self-esteem and perception of his body than by complimenting him? Instead of using girls to make himself better, a friend said one encouraging statement that can go a long way for him and his confidence.

Men don't be afraid of other men. Be vulnerable with other men. Don't make excuses. Accept your nakedness (spiritually, physically, and emotionally) as well as the nakedness of your friends. It's not gay, but Christ-like. And that is why experiencing nakedness with friends, spiritual, emotional, or physical, is healthy. It mainly pushes us toward the love of Jesus.

Now I understand a question like this, "Richard if you are attracted to men and lust after men, is it healthy to be naked with them?" That is a good and important question. I know men want to avoid lustful situations, so men stay away and "flee from the devil." So now I ask this question, what happens when the community a man needs to be a part of includes men he is attracted to? Does he move on? Go to a different church? What if he is drawn to the pastor? And the pastor's good looks cause him to lust? Should he leave the church? Some can tell me, "Richard, why must you be naked with your friends? Why do you need to see their penis?" And then they bring themselves into the picture and say, "When I struggle with lust after a girl, I leave the scene or ask her to wear something that is not so "open" (I'm sure you get my point now).

I want to stress that a guy who struggles with lusting after women can go to a community of guys and talk to them about it and not worry about whether or not they feel comfortable about his lust for women because they all understand that. And that is a healthy, loving, and godly environment. And I believe those attracted to their male friends should have that same environment.

I don't have the option to run away from a situation because the same community I am in includes attractive men. Instead of running away from them, I run to them. I do that because these men are God's hands and feet in my life. And so I need to see and experience God's love through them. And as I do that, I no longer see them as sexual objects but as my brothers, my friends! Seeing them naked and being with them naked gives me the experience of being known, knowing them, and allows me to not lust after them but see them as they are, my brothers. It also solves the curiosity of their physical being. As I experienced nakedness with them, my attraction for them went away. I believe that happened because I was able to know them in a better and healthier way. I call this "locker room bonding." I do this because I can't just run away from every Christian guy I am attracted to. I need to deal with saying no to the sinful unhealthy desires in my life. And it hurts, and it is painful. But I need to do this because I will live with men and be in a community with them my whole life. I need to deal with the fact that it is sinful to lust after men.

This process is called sanctification. And it burns. It takes the sinfulness out of us. C. S. Lewis says something that refers to this process, "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character. Here again, we come up against what I have called the "intolerable compliment."

I have a hard time when men want women to wear specific clothing so they do not lust after them. Now the girls should be thinking about their Christian brothers, but guys need to grow a pair of balls and learn to say no to their lustful hearts. Trust me, I know it hurts, but you have to do this. It is a command from God. Don't start putting your burden of lust on women by having them change clothes. You need to change your heart, say no to it, and trust that God will provide you with what you need. Again. C. S. Lewis tackles this, "We may wish, indeed, that we were of so little account to God that He left us alone to follow our natural impulses- that He would give over trying to train us into something so unlike our natural selves; but once again, we are asking not for more love, but for less."

When I lived in the dorms at Biola, I would see attractive guys with their shirts off every day. I would see naked guys every day. And I realized I needed to say no to the lust in my heart and see these guys for who they were, my Christian brothers, my friends, children of God, and men. That is the higher calling God has for those who struggle with homosexuality. God wants to transform us into his perfect art.

Here are some writings from friends of mine that experience regular times of nakedness with me and their thoughts about it.

Scott, how is being friends with Richard as you experience physical nakedness with him?

Being naked around other men may not be a typical experience for every man in the US. Still, I would think it isn't something farfetched for a good portion of the male population. Most boys that grow up playing sports, spending time at summer camps, and male dormitories at college experience nude settings as a norm. Setting such as these may include locker rooms, communal showers, and even innocent pranks. For me being naked around other men is quite normal, even though as I get older, these settings are becoming rarer. None of this changes with Richard being in the room. He is just one of the guys. Over the years, he has earned my trust with loyal friendship. I understand that Richard did not have the same experience growing up as I had, but I like to point out that he is still a man. I can be naked around Richard because he is a man that I trust. - Scott

Kyle, how is it being friends with Richard as you experience physical nakedness with him?

It's been a journey and a learning experience. I'm not even sure I'm doing it right, but I know that God sees my heart, that I love this friend and want him to feel whole. Concerning physical nakedness, I was first very hesitant. Not so much because of insecurity about my body but because the idea of being naked with someone with same-sex attractions was counter-intuitive. But Richard was a major catalyst for me to challenge my thought process, as he does with many issues besides same-sex attraction. Was it counter-intuitive due to a cultural, social format I was brought up to believe? Was it Holy Spirit driven? What if this harmed him? made things "worse"? But what if there was good that came about from this? Would the benefit outweigh the harm? With many other issues I have wrestled over, I have sought the counsel of my trusted mentors. But I knew this was not like any issue they had faced before, so I was on my own.

The question kept ringing in my mind, what is my part in helping my good friend with his particular needs? It can not be denied that intimacy is an essential part of human interaction and enjoyable life. And intimacy can be met in varying ways, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. With my other male friends, we have, in a sense, found some intimacy with one another on all these levels. But the aspect of physical intimacy in question has been limited. At most, we joke about it and do stupid things like moon one another or flash each other (friends do this when they are comfortable with each other in very safe and secure settings)... There may be some merit to the saying, "guys will be guys." But anyways, I digress. I have never been fully naked with any of my male friends, let alone intentionally fulfill a specific need. We know that there are healthy intimacy and unhealthy intimacy. The question of what is healthy vs. unhealthy intimacy was the critical issue. And once I found healthy intimacy, why not explore that with Richard? It was difficult for me to see that line. But there was something inherently different from giving a guy a blowjob versus spending time together naked as friends talking about life. And of course, an inherent factor in this situation is that I did not have same-sex attractions. Yes, there's physical nakedness, but it was more than that.

After deciding to experience physical nakedness with Richard, I concluded that it was a healthy vulnerability that came about. It can meet the needs of friends who may struggle with a flawed view of nakedness only in the context of unhealthy sex. And this, I mean, also applies to those with heterosexual attractions, with unhealthy sexual desires. These were some of the many thoughts that ran into the mind, and yes, as one can tell, there are still holes in these thought processes. But I was unwilling to wait until every hole was patched up while my friend was hurting. - Kyle

Here is a text message from a friend as he was processing how we need each other’s bodies.

I gets to the heart of what I am saying. I need my friends. I need their penis. I need to know I am a man with them and they are a man with me.

This inner child and adult need for male affirmation is key.

Once I know I am in, there is nothing left to prove.

Transparency: Coming Out as Gay or Coming Out as Straight

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. 

I'm unsure if Christians even realized it because of the Presidential Facebook craziness on social media. 

Individuals who identify as gay have expressed their pride in publicly disclosing their sexual orientation and being open about their attraction to people of the same gender. They hold favorable views of same-sex relationships and desire to engage in them.

I see it a little differently. I see men and women announcing to their communities that they need to be loved by same-sex humans and their friends. 

Now when I hear someone say, "I am gay." What I really hear is the heart saying,

"I need the love of another human that is the same sex as I am."

How do Christians hear it, though?

Do they only hear this?

"They just want to have sex with the same sex."

"They are just horny sinful humans."

"They are not saying no to their sinful lust and perversion."

As I hear more and more gay-affirming folks share their story, they all have one thing in common. There was a point where they felt utterly hopeless and thought they would kill themselves because they felt disconnected from the Church, their friends, their family, and GOD. 

"What is the point of living if I can't be loved, liked, pursued, known?"

Most GAY Christians have a question to deal with before they tell people they are GAY.

Is being in a same-sex relationship sinful or not?

Once they decide it is not sinful, they announce to their community they are GAY! 

Through that announcement, they feel they can be themselves, they are more open to being loved by the same sex, especially in a romantic way, and they find a Christian community that affirms that belief.

A significant number of Christians find themselves in a state of internal turmoil as they grapple with the decision to reveal their attraction to people of the same sex. They fear being rejected by their close friends due to the stigma attached to homosexuality, causing them to feel like they're hiding a part of themselves. Some may choose to keep this a secret, fearing unfair judgment and treatment because they struggle with this. Even those who eventually confide in fellow Christians may not always receive the acceptance and support they hunger for, worsening their isolation and despair.

Imagine a pastor or friend talking about how perverse and sinful and lustful and evil “the gays'“ are and then having to go to them to be cared for and get deep needs met, like touch and time from them.

Would you go to them for that love?

I believe National Coming Out Day is important for many Christians who are attracted to the same sex.

They constantly ask themselves, "What am I supposed to do with my attraction and a deep longing to be loved by the same sex through touch, time, transparency, and Teamwork."

"What if my friends find out I am attracted to them? Would they still like me? Would they hang out with me? Would they treat me differently? Would they think I am always lusting after them because they always lust after girls?"

Am I Just going to be alone for the rest of my life?

When someone says, "They struggle with homosexuality," especially if it is their first time, they are doing one of the most courageous actions a human can do these days in a Church.

The intense opposition to gay marriage by many Christians has created an environment of hostility towards the LGBTQ+ community, perpetuating homophobia. This divide has led to an atmosphere where individuals who are struggling with homosexuality and keeping to the correct sexual ethics of Jesus and desire to confide in other Christians may feel discouraged from doing so. They may perceive this tension as a warning sign and decide to keep their feelings and struggles a secret to avoid causing any upset or being mistreated by their close friends. This secrecy may weigh heavily on them, leading to isolation, alienation, and suicide. (By the way, they have been dealing with this since childhood)

But we all know that is unhealthy.

It is painful.

It causes death.

People commit suicide over this stuff.

If you struggle with homosexuality, I encourage you to share this critical part of your life with a trustworthy friend, family member, pastor, etc.

I know it can be terrifying, but it is so worth it.

You don't need to "COME OUT."

Find someone and have coffee with them. Write a letter. Explain your feelings, pain, and fear.

We all need to be loved and taken care of. Surprisingly straight people need to be loved as well. They have deep sinful, painful secrets of their own.

We need to be more transparent with each other. We must share our insecurities, sinfulness, goals, ideas of pursuing God's Kingdom, etc.

If you are married, don't buy into the lie your spouse is the only person you need to depend on. That is a hazardous relationship.

You need to come out too!

You also need to be loved by people of the Same Sex.

You also need the 4 T's.

You need Touch by people of the same sex. (hugs, long hugs, hugs again, kisses, etc.)

You need Time with people of the same sex. ( you need to be invested in by others, not just your wife)

You need to be Transparent with people of the same sex because they can call your crap out.

You need to be in a Team because marriage and dating relationships are not what you are called to be as a Christian. You are called to engage in your eternal covenant with your Church family.

If you are straight

YOU NEED TO COME OUT and say,

"I need to be loved by the Church."

"I need to be known by the Church."

"I need to be cared for by those of the same sex at Church."

"Just like my brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality, I too need to be loved by my same-sex Christian family the way Christ loves the Church."

"I'm coming out!"

Should we still care about Christians who struggle with Homosexuality?

I recently had the opportunity to interview 4 dudes who are friends about homosexuality. I asked how they would love and befriend someone who identifies as gay or struggling with homosexuality.

Surprisingly, they were very open to befriending someone who is gay and believes it is okay to be in a same-sex relationship. They would just explain their disagreements about same-sex relationships and where they stand on the topic (they think it is sinful), but they would still include them in their life.

I also learned they were willing to be in close friendship with someone, not gay-affirming but attracted to the same sex. These guys are on an athletic team. They said they would still include them in all aspects of the team environment, including the locker room (that means showering naked together because they believe that is a team bonding experience).

I walked through every scenario in which they would have to deal with a teammate that is attracted to the same sex or might even be attracted to them. A couple of them were still open to being physically vulnerable with them in the locker room, and some others still had some questions. But overall, it seemed like they would still care for a friend that struggled with homosexuality. It would be a learning process for them.

But what surprised me and was a bit discouraging was that they didn't believe they needed to know how to care for someone attracted to the same sex until they encountered someone who struggled.

Which gave me 2 thoughts -

1. People who struggle with this in their life are not open about it (and there are people who experience it).

2. The Church isn't emphasizing the importance of this topic in the right way. They emphasize how to love someone who is gay-affirming, but they do not emphasize that we need to know our brothers and sisters who struggle with this.

Now for the latter point, I want to address this first. I think the Church still doesn't know how to practically love someone who struggles with this in a corporate setting like they do with family matters and other "straight matters" that are easy to preach on (I hope they follow the 4 T's), like marriage, education, theology, small groups, leadership, child development, etc.

The Church seems to still want to make sure it looks like we love the gays since the Church has looked bad publicly. What I am more concerned with is what we are doing about those in the Church that have chosen to see their desire to have sex with the same sex as sinful.

Do we love them?

Are we meeting their needs?

Are we expecting God to come down and just skip the sanctifying process they need to go through with the Church community and just zap them with the new resurrected body we will all get in the New Kingdom?

Christians struggling with homosexuality are dying in the Church.

They are still hurting and lost.

And what is a bit frustrating is that it seems like the Church doesn't think they need to get down to the practicality of meeting the needs of someone who struggles with this.

The perception I have of the general population in the Church is that it isn't anyone's specific job to love someone who struggles with this.

God will do it.

And that is how the Church loses. And it has been.

I pray and hope every Christian stops and rethinks their life in Christ and how God can use them and their bodies to love those that struggle with homosexuality, for they are the key!

In that case, we need to start talking about this topic again, but in the context of how to have deep physical, healthy, divine intimacy with our Church communities and Christians who are struggling with homosexuality in their life. Suppose you are a pastor, church elder, church leader, or Christian. Ask yourself, "Is my Church helping those that struggle with this?

Am I?"

We don't need to talk about gay marriage anymore or how "gross" it is. That was last season.

The way Christ used his body to love the Church, let us love each other with our bodies, and that doesn't mean sex. It means brotherly and sisterly physical healthy affection.

God is now using His physical body (Christians) to meet the deep healthy, godly longings of those that are attracted to the same sex and for those that are single and long for deep community.

God is using the body to meet the needs of someone attracted to the same sex.

If someone is attracted to you, you are the God-answered prayer Christians have been praying for.

God uses death, the very thing Satan used to destroy God's people, to bring resurrection.

God uses the body, the very thing Satan uses to cause death in the gay community, to bring life and resurrection.

The 4 T's is one method of loving someone in a healthy intimate way.

See if it can work in your context.

Love others the way Christ loved the Church. You have the power of the Holy Spirit living in you. The same power that resurrected Jesus from the dead.

Why isn't the Bible fixing the gays?

Many pastors and spiritual mentors in the church want to love Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

Since Evangelicals love the Bible and put a lot of emphasis on the importance of individual scripture reading, Christians get lost when they find out the Bible isn't fixing the problem of "The Christian who struggles with homosexuality." There is the crying high school student who confesses he likes men, the college student who is trying to decide his theology about homosexuality, the adult man that leaves his wife and family for another man, the many young adults engaging in gay promiscuous sex, the list goes on and on.

But why isn't the Bible fixing this?

Why isn't the Scriptures curing Christians who struggle with homosexuality?

Why isn't God fixing this issue?

In the Evangelical Church, people feel they lost the battle for marriage (because, apparently, it was a war or something) and are waiting for God to come and save them since this issue isn't getting any better.

It is the "End of days because of the gays."

High schoolers and young adults are coming out as gay, and many young people support gay relationships now.

And since Evangelicals really love the scriptures, we turn to it……

…But when we do,

does anything happen?

Does reading scripture meet the needs of that struggling Christian who wants to figure out how to serve God with this very complex attraction towards the same sex?

Does reading scripture give them the cure to stop liking the same sex? Does the Bible help provide an excellent psychological understanding of the difference between same-sex lust and same-sex attraction?

Does the Bible give the emotional affirmation a human needs to hear from another human so they can know they belong and are valuable?

Does reading about sin in the Bible suddenly cause enough fear in a Christian's life to not feel their feelings of lust for the same sex?

Does the Bible give someone the long brotherly hug a fellow Christian can give to someone who needs a hug?

Does the Bible give a shoulder to cry on when a Christian attracted to the same sex and struggles with same-sex lust feels the deep pain of loneliness and isolation, and shame?

Does the Bible give the long-term companionship every human needs, especially for a Christian who struggles with same-sex lust?

Does the Bible meet the intimate (not sexual, just primary human care, love, and knowing) needs of a Christian who struggles with homosexuality?

I once asked someone what they would do if a friend or fellow Christian told them they struggled with homosexuality. He said he would tell them to go to God, ask him for guidance, and encourage him to read the scriptures to know he is loved.

When I heard that, I felt sad. We failed.

He didn't understand that he was God's hands and feet. He didn't understand he was the answered prayer that many Christians who struggle with homosexuality are praying for, a friend.

The warm intentional affection of a Christian brother can go deeper than a passionate moment of sex or a feel-good time of prayer with God.

We forget that God said it wasn't good for man to be alone.

Humans were never made to be alone with God.

Why are Christians then pushing for much "individual time with God?"

Understanding that God meets our needs has a bigger and more profound meaning than just reading the Bible and praying alone.

Most Christians who struggle with homosexuality are not disconnected from God, if anything they are Christians I know that pray the most to God, cry the most to God, yell the most to God, cuss out God the most, and sit with God the most. How do I know that?

Well, we are alone a lot. Christians just don't know if God likes them or accepts them because they are asking if the church accepts them and they have to deal with all the shame the church has placed on this specific fallenness. And the idea of acceptance, care, love, and human well-being is demonstrated by their needs being met.

The affectionate act of a hug, a touch on the shoulder, a written letter, a homemade dinner, a surprise party, a time of vulnerability and emotional affirmation can bring the NEW KINGDOM of Christ into the heart of a Christian who is asking God,

"How can I be loved by you and by men?"

The affectionate friend can go deep within another friend and explain that they are loved, liked, and valued.

An affectionate friend can sit with a Christian who is attracted to the same sex and say,

"I am not afraid of you."

"I want to know you."

"Can I give you a hug?"

"Here is a letter I wrote to you."

"Come over for dinner."

"Stay the night at my house."

"Sit on the couch and watch a movie with me."

"How can I meet your needs right now?"

"Tell me about your attraction towards the same sex."

"Talk to me about your dreams and wants."

"Tell me how you feel towards God."

"I have a big bed. Come share it with me."

"Let's go camping."

"Let's get coffee."

"Let's spend time together."

"Don't give into sin."

"You can call me or text me whenever you want."

"I will be there for you."

"Can you talk? I have been struggling with sin."

"Let me be a part of your life."

"You are a guy, and I will treat you like all my other guy friends."

"let's go change in the locker room."

"Let's hit the showers."

"Let's pray together."

"Move in with me."

"Move in with my wife and me."

"Let me move in with you."

"Let me give you the TOUCH you need."

"Let me give you the TIME you need."

"Let me give you the Transparency you need."

"Let's be a TEAM."

The Bible cannot say or do what God's hands and feet can do.

So it makes sense why the Bible isn't fixing this. That isn't the purpose of it.

The church is supposed to fix it, and it can. The solution to loving someone who struggles with homosexuality is simple: include them in your life and be committed to them. Meet their physical needs, even if, at times, it might make you uncomfortable. Meet their spiritual needs, and meet their emotional needs. They are human.

And don't forget, the Christian who struggles with homosexuality will be hurting. Still, they can also love and meet the needs of another fellow Christian.

The standards Jesus has on them to love others still apply.

The church can love Christians who struggle with homosexuality the way Jesus loved the church.

And Christians who struggle with homosexuality can love their same-sex friends and the church the way Christ loved it.

How Marriage offers me the 4T's

This year is the year of weddings for me. If you attend a Christian University, the chances of attending multiple weddings after graduating are high.

During my undergrad years at Biola, I had a chaotic falling out with some friends, which came down to the discussion of friendships and marriage within the Church.

Because the community I was a part of valued marriage as the ultimate form of intimacy between humans, I experienced myself being placed on the back burner of the lives of my friends. I was fighting for a place to be loved intimately. My friends simultaneously were indirectly putting me in a position to be isolated. I wasn't equal regarding my present Christian sexual vocation. If being "single" is a vocation, it is treated as a life that has to revolve around the vocation of marriage.

To some extent, this is taking place in the present Evangelical Church. Marriage runs the show. Celibacy or singleness (there is a difference between the two) has to follow. It isn't a TEAM effort. It isn't community. It is a dictatorship, with marriage being the dictator.

So, I decided for a couple of years I didn't want to go to any weddings because there wasn't any reason to celebrate something I saw that was harming the Church and hurting me.

But this year was different. I wanted to celebrate and affirm the marriages I knew were taking place. I may disagree with all my friends' views regarding marriage, illustrating Jesus's love for the Church. Still, it is enough for me to see the Holy Spirit working in the lives of Christians getting married and understanding community is essential to their marriage and that they need to include single people in their life.

And in both weddings I attended, I was loved by my friends in an effortless but profound way.

When my friends Kolby and Bethany married, it was a great week! A lot of fun activities with friends and family took place. A trip to the lake, lots of spikeball, BBQs, wiffle ball, dinners, etc. Seeing so many friends and family reign down blessings and surround Kolby and Bethany as they entered a calling to live a covenantal relationship with each other was beautiful.

That week was a tough emotional week for me for various reasons, one being my homo erotic desires skyrocketed on a day when I was with Kolby's guy friends for the day. I was grateful I could text 15 guys, processing with them what was happening in my heart and mind.

That is Community.

The wedding was very simple, eloquent, and beautiful.

But when we were dancing, a significant moment took place for me that I know Kolby intentionally led.

As we were having a great time dancing, the DJ decided to put on a "couple song" and said, "This is for all the couples out there that want to dance together." I stepped to the side, not bothered by this because I saw a lot of older married folks that had the chance to dance together. Then I saw Kolby tell Bethany something, and then she walked towards me and asked me to dance with her.

How cool is that?

The time when the Bride and Groom could be dancing together with everyone, the Bride danced with me.

The Groom ensured people were being cared for at his wedding. Especially the single folks. He expected his Bride to meet others where they were, and she did. She danced with me.

Sort of like Jesus expects his Bride to love others on earth. Jesus has every right to go on his "honeymoon," Instead, he wants the Bride, his Church, to love others before the great day of his return.

I hope the Married Church knows they have so much time to give to the lost, even the gays or Christians struggling with homosexuality.

This little dance session with my friend's Bride meant a lot. I don't know if they knew how important this was to me or how profound it was, but it meant a lot.

Here is the beautiful couple with me in the middle.

Love these people and boy am I short in this pic.

I'm sure there will be future hurts that both my newly married friend couples will do to me, and hurts I may cause them. We may even have theological disagreements about Marriage which we already do, but one thing is for sure, they know how much love I need from them and how much love they need from me.

They know I need TOUCH.

They know I need TIME (especially time)

They know I need Transparency (emotionally, spiritual, and physical Transparency, Korean spas)

They know I need Teamwork (community)

I need the 4T's.

They know they need the 4T's as well.

Day by day, I have more hope the Church is changing and understands Marriage has more potential than what it is accomplishing now. Marriage can show the world how Jesus loves the Church.

It can be a simple dance or a simple kiss that turns the heart of a sinner to the grace and justice of Jesus.

It can be a simple dance or kiss that turns the hurt Christian struggling with homosexuality to the Church.

It can be a simple dance or kiss that proves to gays that Marriage isn't the most intimate relationship a human can have.

It can be a simple dance or kiss that proves friendship is deep, meaningful, and intimate.

It can be a simple dance or kiss, showing others we love them the way Christ loves the Church.

Am I my brother's Keeper?

Today was a rough day. I was tempted to sin against God in a highly disrespectful way to the institution of Friendship or the Institution of the Church. So I turned to my Christian brothers for help. I asked my Christian brothers if they could encourage me and tell me not to sin. All of my close friends know I struggle with homosexuality, which runs very deep into my humanity. They also know I love friendship!

My Friend Dave told me, "Don't be a dumbass, and I love you, and I'm proud of you." (Don't we all need a friend who tells us not to be a dumbass? I know I do!)

Another friend told me to use my energy and exercise! That is practical advice, especially if I need to watch my weight. Still, seriously, exercising can help men deal with their sex drive issues.

My Friend John told me, "Imagine me on a horse naked." My response was laughter and a "gross!" but then he said, "Bro, remember Jesus is your LORD (master, worthy of obedience), and he is Father (who loves you and wants you to stay away from that)

My Friend Levi told me not to give in. What I will give into is just a shadow of the companionship I am looking for. Don't settle! Pursuing the real thing is worth it.

My Friend Matt told me to call him, and I did!

And my Friend Stevy told me something that made me rethink the story of Cain and Abel.

"…....In Genesis, God asks Cain where his brother was, and he said, "am I my brother's keeper?" The answer is yes, we are our Brother's keeper, and I have felt like you have cared about me as a brother does!....." That is what Stevy told me.

I love all my friends a lot. When I text or call them for help, they will listen and try to comfort and guide me. That is an amazing blessing. My Friend's responses were encouraging, funny, and profound. But Stevy's response stood out to me.

How many of us have Christian Brothers who are our keepers? Or how many of us act like we are keepers of our Christian brothers?

As we read the Genesis story of Cain and Abel, we see God questions Cain and asks him,

"Where is Abel, your brother?"

As if God expected him to know.

What would we say if God were to ask us that question today?

Throughout the Old Testament, there are stories of God holding prophets accountable for the truth they know. They are responsible for their death if they do not share the fact.

Ezekiel 3:18 - "So when I say to a wicked person, 'You're about to die,' if you don't warn or instruct that wicked person that his behavior is wicked so he can live, that wicked person will die in his sin, but I'll hold you responsible for his death."

God told his prophet Ezekiel he needed to deliver a message to Israel. If he didn't deliver it, they would die because of their sins, and God would hold him accountable.

In the New Testament Scriptures, the Apostle Paul teaches Christians that in this New Covenant that we are all a part of, we need to hold each other accountable, pray for each other, meet each other's needs, rebuke each other, help restore someone from their sins, etc.

What he is saying is

"Be your Brother's keeper!

Most of my friends know I struggle with homosexuality. They know I have some deep shit I am dealing with. They know previous friends have hurt me and I have walked the path of unhealthy habits. At times I am full of anger and bitterness, and they know I am a Christian trying to fight the battle of not giving into my desires for sex with the same sex. They also know I want a more healthy, valuable environment for friendship within the Church.

These friends keep up with me. They try their best to help me and care for me. They are devoted to me.

I am one blessed Christian with brothers that are my KEEPERS.

I encourage you to ask yourself,

Who am I supposed to be a KEEPER of?

What Christian brothers need my help, love, guidance, rebuke, comfort, Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork?

Let us avoid the ways of Cain, the unrighteous person who killed his Brother and forgot his role that he was a keeper of his Brother.

Let us be prepared to answer God when He says,

"How is your brother doing?"

"Have you been meeting his deep needs?"

Have you been giving your love, touch, time, transparency, and teamwork?"

And we will respond with the following,

"Father, I am loving my Brother and keeping track of him the way Jesus loves the Church.

Look! He is over there sitting on my couch, laying on my bed, eating my food, taking my time, in my arms as I hug him. He is being taken care of Father. Just the way Jesus does it."

How Youth Pastors can care for students who struggle with Homosexuality

When I was a teenager, I didn't have trustworthy pastors to talk to about my lust for the same sex. I didn't speak to my parents, and I didn't talk to my pastors. I went to a Hispanic church, which barely has good Biblical education, and I knew they wouldn't know how to handle my struggle.

Because of God's grace, I understood who I was as a young teenager and had enough grace to know I was a sinner like anyone else. But I feared that if I told someone, they would treat me differently and feel uncomfortable around me. Whether people knew I struggled with Homosexuality or not, knowing I didn't tell anyone gave me comfort in my world. Not until I was 17 did I tell someone about my struggle, and it wasn't a pastor.

But that isn't how most teenagers live now, especially with the LGBTQ+ community being more vocal about accepting that lust as good, and to be in relationships with the same sex as something that you should pursue.

Teenagers can be confused or caught in this tension.

Should they accept this belief or "fight it" for the rest of their lives?

So what should Youth Pastors do when students share this part of their life with them?

Well, here are a couple of pointers.

1. Give them a hug!

What they just told you is a huge deal, and it took bravery on their end. This is a great time to draw close to them. Please don't buy into the idea becoming closer to your students as they express this to you can cause them to stumble. They need a long hug where they can find a shoulder to cry on or feel some safety in this chaotic world.

2. Right away, get it out of your head; they constantly lust after the same sex.

Being attracted to and lusting for the same sex is not the same as what heterosexuals deal with. Instead, tell yourself that your student is looking for healthy intimacy and that you and others can give that to them. If they confess this to you, they have longed for an affirmed intimacy between them and others. When they keep this hidden, they are hiding their hearts from truly being loved as a sinner and child of God in need of HIS grace. Now they can be fully loved in all areas of their life since someone knows more about their fallen nature.

3. Understand that being attracted to the same sex is different than lusting.

We are always going to be attracted to beautiful things. It is not wrong to find males and females attractive. It is wrong, however, to start fantasizing about who you want to have sex with, especially if they are not your spouse. This is where the Church can do some actual harm. We can't change what we are attracted to, especially if it is good. We must embrace our attraction and understand what it means and how we can glorify God. Since I find men beautiful, especially my male friends, I have learned to pursue deep friendships with them and point them to Christ. Teach your students the same thing. Yes, they might be attracted to their friends. Still, suppose they believe that pursuing homosexual relationships is ungodly. In that case, they need to know that seeking Friendship is godly, and they will need help doing that. This is where the 4 T's come in.

4. Understand they need TOUCH, Transparency, TIME, and TEAMWORK (all forms of intimacy)

These 4 Ts are what every human needs. They are more heightened in the life of someone who struggles with Homosexuality because they most likely haven't given themselves the space to be loved in these deep, profound, healthy, Godly ways. They are starving, and they need food. But don't give it all at once to them. Process with them what it means to experience healthy intimacy with friends. Just like a starving person can't eat a bunch of food right away, a person in need of Friendship needs to take it slow. They can shatter their friendships if they don't handle them well. Remember, they are male and female. They are allowed to be in the settings of their peers. Just because they deal with attraction towards the same sex doesn't mean they will start hitting on everyone. Remember, they have been dealing with this for years before you came into the picture. They can still deal with it now and keep boundaries in their life.

5. Don't ever be afraid of them, and be confident that you can love them.

You are a Pastor. There is a reason you are in their life. They have shared this with you. Keep their trust. They will cling to you, want to talk to you a lot, cry, feel pain, and go up and down emotionally. You must be consistent in their life and help them learn to walk in the Spirit. Draw close to them and remind them that what they are longing for (deep intimacy with their same-sex friends) is healthy and godly, and the CHURCH is the BEST place to receive that.

Honestly, helping someone and loving someone who struggles with Homosexuality isn't that difficult.

The Gay community, the world, and even Satan are making this difficult.

Satan wants us to think this is extremely complex. When really, it is just different.

You can do this, Pastor! I have faith in you! You are part of the Body of Jesus.

Next time a student tells you they are gay or whatever language they use,

hug them, look into their eyes, and say,

"Don't worry, bud. We are going to walk through this together. We will take care of you."

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How Gay Marriage reminds me I'm not loved, united, or greater than. 😥

Fuck this statement - "No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were,"- Justice Kennedy.

It has been a couple of years ( June 26th, 2015) since the U.S. Supreme Court decided the Constitution gave gays the right to marry. For many political conservatives and Christians, it felt like a battle was lost. Of course, there are gay-affirming Christians that felt like this was a win for the gay community. It became exhausting seeing all the rainbows on Facebook and Instagram accounts. I didn't even want to address this topic because I didn't care until I read Justice Kennedy's explanation for the Judicial approval of gay marriage.

Before we get to it, I want to explain where I stand on this.

I believe that gay marriage is unhealthy and goes against the will of our Creator for human sexuality.

I believe society needs to learn how to live with each other. Sometimes we don't agree on everything, and as Christians, we need to know that we can't force people to live righteous lives. That is up to them.

I believe anyone who pays taxes should have federal benefits and state benefits. If gay married couples pay taxes, they should have the same rights as straight married couples.

Politically, I'm not against Gay Marriage.

Spiritually and ethically, I don't support it.

But Socially, if Justice Kennedy's explanation is held as the reason why Gays should have the right to be married, then anyone who holds his view has a horrible idea of marriage.

If you are a gay-affirming Christian who supports gay marriage, I hope you don't believe what Justice Kennedy wrote.

Here it is again.

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were,"- Justice Kennedy.

As I saw the response many Christians had concerning this topic on that Friday; I was a little shocked to learn not many people read or listened to the whole hearing concerning this legal battle. And no one talked about this tiny little sentence.

As a Christian, this sentence caused pain and sadness in me.

First, that fact that Justice Kennedy says "No union is more profound than marriage," as a Christian, the most profound Union a human can have is with the MANGOD Jesus through his Church. Unity in the Church through the blood of Christ manifested by the Cup of Communion is the most profound relationship humans will have on Earth.

The Church embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. And let's not forget how intimate and committed friendships can be! My God, I love friendship!

The fact that gay-affirming Christians and non-gay-affirming Christians didn't get upset about this makes me extremely sad.

It points to the fact that marriage is everyone's end goal in human relationships.

Christian and non-Christian.

Gay or straight.

But since I am a Christian and I am only going to address Christians, I am sad and angry towards Christians that we got mad and sad for the wrong reasons.

The Church isn't seen as the Body of Christ.

Does this bother anyone?

Dear gay-affirming Christians, does this bother you that the Church isn't the primary example of love on Earth?

Apparently, marriage is.

What is your theology of the Church?

Also, what is your theology of friendship? Of covenants that friends can make with each other?

Does friendship even matter to you?

Then, the following sentence goes like this,

"In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were."

Well, for us single folks, we can't be more significant than what we are now.

Which can I say is straight-up/gay up.......

............fucked up.

I want to argue against this idea Just Kennedy represents. I know many Gay affirming and none Gay affirming Christians believe in the idea that marriage is the most important relationship.

Jesus says to be in HIS family; you need to do the Father's will,

What is more family than being in Jesus' family?

What is more "profound" than that?

And Jesus requires his family to be the most selfless, loving, dedicated, family of all.

As a single person, being in the family of Jesus is profound!

I become greater than what I was.

That means I am in a covenant with married folks, single folks, old folks, babies, and anyone who does the Father's will.

Isn't this exciting?

I know this idea of love and sacrifice is different than what Disneyland taught all of us concerning "the one."

Marriage, love, and commitment cannot compare to what the Church is!!

The Christian belief system does not believe marriage is the most profound relationship.

Only a culture and society that is lonely, heartbroken, full of lust for pleasure, and evil, trying to find eternal peace and unity will make up a belief like this to answer questions their pain and loneliness bring up.

So for you Christians who are gay-affirming and none gay-affirming that teach that marriage is the closest union humans will have with each other, please stop!

You are making me less.

You are excluding me!

As someone who struggles with homosexuality, living in the Church is already tough. Still, the bad theology of marriage drags me on the ground for miles and does more harm to me than my sins.

Please Stop it!

Loneliness is drowning many of us in America, and your beliefs of "the one" is the leading cause.

Marriage right now is an idol! It is dangerous!

It doesn't matter what the hell an orgasm means.

What matters is what COMMUNION with Christ through the Church means!

The BLOOD of Christ is more Unifying than SPERM and EGG! SPERM and SPERM, and EGG and EGG.

More Unifying than two bodies having pleasure.

Justice Kennedy,

YOU ARE WRONG.

Stop leading Gay affirming Christians and none Gay affirming Christians to believe that marriage is what you think it is.

Justice Kennedy, I think you should say this.

"No union is more profound than the Covenant Jesus has with the Church, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a new Covenant with Humans, humanity becomes something greater than once they were. They can love all!

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The Church is human and it loves me.

I got out of the church service, my heart beating fast, I got in my car and starting crying a lot. I was calling my friends, but no one was answering.  Then there was the last person I could call, but I didn’t want to call him because he is married, has children, has a life, and maybe he would say, “Sorry Richard, I don’t have time to hear your pain.” Or maybe he was about to have sex with his wife, so he isn’t going to answer my phone call because he knows it will cost him a very intimate pleasurable experience with his wife.

But I know I needed help and I was responsible to reach for help, so I called him.

And…………

He answered.

He heard me.

He talked to me.

He encouraged me.

His name is Matthew.  

I was in pain because I heard a sermon that really hurt me.  I wasn’t wronged, just felt extreme pain. I was screaming into the phone, sobbing, kicking the inside of my car, cussing really loud towards God because I was so angry, and Matthew just heard me.  We processed what I was feeling.  
I felt a lot of anger towards God because I was attracted to men and I had to hear a pastor tell me I needed to be celibate. I hate when a straight man thinks he can say that so easily to me.
Although I know the solutions to a lot of the pain I experience, I still feel the pain because of the lack of intimacy that is offered to me through a local Church.  

At the same time, so many of my friends who are Christians, who are the Church, have loved me and offered me the intimacy that I need.  

And it is great!

I have friends who have held me and hugged me because I just need touch.

I have friends who have held me as I cried in their arms because I feel pain.

I have friends who woke up at 3am in the morning as I was knocking on their door because I thought I was going to kill myself and they answered the door.  They talked to me throughout the night, gave me a soda, offered me a place to stay for the night, and just loved on me.

I have friends who have trusted me and been vulnerable with me in ways that is not the norm, but they know I need intimacy in a way that isn’t normal.

I have friends who lend me money. (that is a big deal)

The Church has been there for me.

And it is becoming more of a safe place for others who struggle with homosexuality.

Although the media and Christians who are pro gay romantic relationships paint the church as some evil place that discriminates against homosexuals, it isn’t true.  

The reality is that we disagree on this topic and think that gay relationships are ungodly.

So when I called my friend Matthew, who knows I want to be in a gay relationship, but also knows what I need, intimacy with males, it is comforting to know there is someone who will listen to me as I am in pain.

And my other friends do that too.

Jeremy, kolby, Sith, Geoffrey, Tyler, Nate, Stevy, Ryan, Christian, Josh, Justin, this list is quite long.

My favorite stories to hear from them is how they are loving others who struggle with homosexuality or how they are helping others understand how to practically love someone who is attracted to the same sex.  

It is a bummer people don’t understand our needs and don’t always think about how they can practically love us, but I’m learning that is what life is going to be about, how to handle curve balls.

It breaks my heart to see so much anger being directed towards the Church because of the lack of understanding the Church may have when it comes to homosexuality and other sexual topics the Church needs to address.

But the Church isn’t Heaven.  

It is human.

It will not be perfect and it will lack education when it comes to certain topics.

And it will not agree with certain topics, especially when these topics have already been discussed the past 2000 years within Church Scholars of old.

If you are a Christian that struggles with homosexuality, I urge you to be vulnerable with a group of friends that you can trust.  

They will not always understand, but they can try.

They might not always listen, so then you go to other friends.

They can give you a hug, and some might become afraid to give you one.

Others will ask you to move in with them and live with life with them, and others will stop talking to you.

Throughout all of this remember to forgive them.  That is the heart of Jesus.

Let’s not lose compassion, forgiveness, and endurance to strive for righteous lives.

Jesus wanted all his followers to be compassionate, forgiving, and seeking holiness as we pick up our cross and follow him.

The Church loves me. 

I need to love the Church the way Christ loves the Church.

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Teamwork: Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit…

“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.” (Ephesians 4:1-6).
 
Probably one of my favorite verses in the New Testament.
 
It’s Andrew again. After my previous post, my mind has continued to conjure what I wanted to write about next and I couldn’t leave the Teamwork perspective of the 4T’s.
 
Giving it thought, I realize why I love the teamwork aspect so much. Teams are about relationships. A team is a group of people, unified together by one goal, persevering with each other to obtain that goal.
 
What better way for the church to operate!
 
We all are in this fight together. The fight to build the Kingdom of God. It’s definitely no easy task on our own, let alone the amount of opposition the enemy will always throw our way. But has anyone ever heard of friendly fire?
 
Friendly fire is a dangerous thing. And as a team of Christians, too often we can let off rounds of friendly fire and not even know it. What am I eluding to? You can probably guess… Christian men who have a hard time being on the same team as a Christian man who deals with homosexual desires.
 
It’s unfortunate. I’ve experienced it first hand. I sat down with a staff member of the ministry I was a part of my second year in college to come clean with him. I told him I can’t handle same sex attractions AND call myself a Christian. Unfortunately, that time I sat down and talked to him was the last time I ever talked to him. He avoided the topic and avoided me as an individual at future meetings.
 
Trust me, I’ve forgiven the guy. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t.
 
So what does God call us to do? “[show] tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace…” So good. So true.
 
As a team all going for the same goal (the Kingdom of God), it is all too helpful to make sure your teammates are OK. There is nothing taboo about them because of their background. There is never any reason to avoid them because of their sin.
 
Be diligent to love one another. Especially your Christian brothers. This takes conscious effort – it won’t come naturally. But for men coming from a homosexual background, this effort can produce fruit tenfold.
 
Please. If you’re reading this and your straight. Know you have so much power simply loving a guy as a fellow brother in Christ.
 
If you’re reading this and you struggle with homosexuality, you CAN love a Christian brother. Chances are, he will probably love you back.
 
 As a church – the body of Christ – please, love your teammates. We don’t obtain the prize of Christ on our own. We must have people around us. Catching our blind spots. Going to bat for us. Loving us.

- Andrew

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Why do humans with a homosexual orientation commit suicide?

Why do humans with a homosexual orientation commit suicide, and why are they at higher risk of suicide than heterosexuals?

It is currently accepted by therapists, psychiatrists and public policymakers that rejecting one's sexual identity, especially one oreinted towards homosexuality, can lead to disastrous emotional and physical harm.

Since the American Psychiatric Association no longer considers homosexuality a mental disorder, it is alarming there still exists a high rate of homosexuals dealing with suicide, especially gay males.

Many humans with this orientation are still not "out," so accurate stats are hard to find since we might not know how many people who commit suicide are gay. But from accurate reports, many LGBTQ that are "out" still deal with suicide.

The gay community blames the shame that has been given to them by society for being attracted to the same sex. They say the rejection of one's sexual identity has disastrous emotional effects on a human, which can lead to suicide. The lack of social, religious, and interpersonal acceptance of homosexuality is still the cause of one not wanting to live in this type of environment.

And I agree

But I interpret the stats and research differently.

I affirm there exists a very harsh world for someone attracted to the same sex, especially for someone in a conservative religious community, aka a Christian Church.

Christians have passionately worked against the gay community and the gay community's want for political and moral acceptance to be in same-sex relationships. Even though Christians use the Bible to argue against them, most of this passion for speaking out against the gay community is not because of love or standing up for righteousness but out of fear of who they are.

Of who WE are.

I am sometimes amazed at why people are so passionate about a topic, especially if they are Christian.

As a Christian, seeking the Kingdom of God is our primary goal, and being a Christian (little Jesus) is our primary identity. Early Christians in the 1st century died for that identity. In Scripture, you do not see many verses talking about how important sexuality is to Christianity. You see how one should be willing to die for the name and teaching of Jesus.

But we have an issue here.

Many Homosexuals are still committing suicide, especially in the Christian Church.

Why?

I want to argue that they are not receiving the 4 T's.

They are not receiving Touch – every human needs touch

They are not receiving time – every human needs time

They are not receiving Transparency – every human needs intimacy

They are not on a Team – every human needs a community

These humans within the Church with this orientation are afraid to say they are attracted to the same sex. They keep that hidden in their hearts. We all know what happens when we hold a big secret in our lives,

It causes a deathly isolated self-destructive mind.

Or once they have told people they are attracted to the same sex, Christians do not know how to interact with them. Christians start thinking they want to have sex all the time or grab their genitals. So Christians stay away or withdraw from them. They don't associate themselves with them. Christians don't hang out or treat them like humans, but more like diseases.

When people who are attracted to the same sex see this reaction, they also withdraw and stay quiet.

This destroys any chance of someone experiencing the 4 T's, and they NEED IT!

They will not get TOUCH

They will not get TIME

They will not get TRANSPARENCY

And they are definitely not on a TEAM.

So why live? Who wants to live a life of isolation and pain from rejection?

No one wants to live with us.

Everyone is afraid of us.

Who will look into our eyes?

Who will spend time with us, watch a movie, and put their arms around us?

Who will show us affection? Friendship?

Will anyone think we want something other than sex?

I don't believe humans commit suicide because whom they want to be in a relationship with is not being accepted by society.

People commit suicide because their needs are not being met.

If the gay community is saying gay suicide rates are high because they are not being accepted for who they are and whom they want to have sex with, and our society is not accepting their want to be in a monogamous relationship, they have just made us the value of our sexual worth.

We were human and valuable before sex came into the picture, before marriage came into the picture, and before a society that said true love is only found in a romantic relationship controlled our value. Adam represented the image of God before sex was created. Adam and Eve represented God before they engaged in sexual intercourse.

If we accept the idea that the lack of acceptance of one's sexual identity can destroy a person's life is a fact, then we have made humans into animals.

If we can accept that humans need

Touch

Time

Transparency

and Teamwork

We see humans the WAY GOD sees humans.

Either it is their fault for not voicing their needs or society's fault for overreacting to people's lives.

And the Christian community is no different.

The Christian community must understand that Christians with this orientation are not all about sex. They need to be loved at a fundamental level.

And if we are not loved in simple ways, we turn to the gay community for love and acceptance, or we can turn to the Evil Spirit of Suicide.

So please give us Touch – long hugs, kisses, simple affectionate Touch, sleeping in the same bed, etc.

Please give us time – movie watching, coffee shop time, beach walks, sunset views, etc.

Please give us Transparency – tell us your fears, desires, hopes, locker room, everyday life, boring life,etc.

Please give us Teamwork – we are here for you guys too! We can make promises and covenants with you guys too.

Then let's see what would happen to Christians who deal with suicide when they encounter this type of love and acceptance.

Let's love each other the way Christ loves the Church

Let's not let the gay community get away with thinking people commit suicide because of the rejection of one's sexual identity.

We had a human identity before sex came into the picture

That should be enough for us to live.

(Obviously, suicide is a very complex issue. I had to admit myself a couple of times. However, I argued with the institution's therapist because they wanted me to accept the idea that homosexuality is normal and healthy. However, I went in because I was dealing with the horrible pain of rejection from friends whom I wanted to be accepted. Some homosexuals deal with suicide, not because of homosexuality but because there exist multiple issues in their life. I am addressing the popular opinion that homosexuals commit suicide because their sexual identity is not being accepted. Gay-affirming pastors and theologians believe this, and it is simply wrong and unbiblical. We were humans before sexuality was created, according to the poetic account of Genesis and merely looking at Jesus' life)

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