Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality, our married friends need our help, they keep divorcing.

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." The apostle Paul

When I was at Biola University as an 18-24-year-old student, I did the 6-year track, I hated the dating scene there. It was a scene filled with a strong desire to have sex and be one with another person, but since we are Christian, you had to get married first and it needed to be covered with spiritual language, especially the “God gave us to each other.” Although the majority of my friends crossed that sinful line of sexual immorality, making out until the man's penis couldn’t breathe anymore, so it needed to come out of the pants. Making out in cars and dorm rooms which lead to giving each other handjobs and blowjobs. I heard it all, a majority of my friends did strive for holiness, they just didn’t have any wisdom added to their sexual urges and desires, and they either had sex or were touching each other’s bodies all over the place, which all started with making out, apparently that is not sinful. I could never really understand straight Christian sexual ethics. And with California Prop 8 being one of the main topics being discussed in churches during that time, evangelical churches couldn’t stop talking about how important it was to defend marriage and keep that word from “The gays.”

Now that the gay marriage topic is over, it left something devastating for our married friends,

a false idea of marriage

and, well,

They keep on divorcing because of it!

I mean, divorce after divorce.

I personally know 9 divorces that occurred that are students from Biola University,

and many of my friends know other evangelicals that have been divorced.

Why is this happening?

I know stats keep changing about Christian divorces, so let's just say an obvious problem,

Too many Christians are getting divorced, or are having marriages that are really unhealthy, and even worse!

I mean one of the worse things happening to Christian marriages is that they are becoming idolized relationships!

I understand that the sexual revolution brought total sexual freedom to Americans,

I understand that the church reacted to that by keeping traditional and holy standards of marriage,

I understand that the gay marriage era caused the Church to become obsessed with the topic of marriage,

I understand the result of this “trying to protect marriage” caused the church to idolize it and also form really bad theologies about marriage,

especially the false idea that marriage is the most important relationship and most intimate relationship.

But now I don’t understand why we are allowing so many divorces to happen!

And so, since this falls under the leadership of Pastoral care and I don’t think Pastors are properly addressing the idolization of the nuclear family and marriage,

This responsibility lands on the next leaders of Godly Holy Sexuality,

The Christians that are single and the Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

It’s our time to invade the private lives of our married brothers and sisters and start helping them out.

The moment you hear them start saying that Marriage is only between a man and a woman,

call that shit out!

New Covenant Marriage is between communities and friendships coming together to ordain a man and a woman entering into a covenant to help the Church out!

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let them get away with the idea that it's about “their love.” They will divorce over that idea.

They will realize that “compatibility” changes during seasons of life. They will realize they don’t feel “truly loved.” They will realize “their spouse will never truly know them.” They will realize that “sex isn’t the greatest.” They will realize that their “spouse can’t meet all their needs” and even deep needs they have. They will realize at times they don’t want to be married anymore, or they don’t want to be around their spouse all the time.

They will realize Marriage might have been a mistake for them, but a mistake the God uses to make them more like Christ.

And we are a part of this learning.

We need to stop letting our friends move away during their early years of marriage because stats are showing those are the most important years they need Church community, friends, and family investing in them.

We need to invite them into our hearts and tell them we need them and they need us.

Ask them questions. Lots of questions.

Ask them more questions.

Ask them personal questions.

Ask them about their sex life.

Sometimes their sex life isn’t as great as the Pastor keeps saying it is or how the Bible Professor keeps teaching it is.

Sometimes Christians can’t really have sex.

Sometimes they are having too much sex and it becomes an idol.

Sometimes friends who are husbands are just getting off and not pleasing his wife.

Are they giving as much as receiving?

Do they have insecurities they need to work on?

Are they treating their spouse nicely?

Are they being servants to each other?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Ask them if they need you to move in with them.

Ask them if they can move in with you.

Ask them are they talking to their pastors?

Tell the pastors the couple he married may need help. The pastor is responsible too!

Ask them how are they balancing living for the Kingdom and serving each other.

Ask them about how they spend their time.

Are they communicating well with each other?

Are they praying together and making God the center of their relationship?

Are they getting healthy space away from each other and depending on their best friendships they have?

Are they being to busy for each other? Are they creating good quality time for each other?

Are they letting friends meet their needs too?

Is the husband dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Is the wife dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Are they being hospitable and meeting the needs of others?

Do they need a babysitter?

Time away from their kids?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Are they opening up their home for Christians like us, single or deal with same-sex attraction and need a home to hang out in and kids to jump on you and tell you, “You have a big nose.”

Are the wives having good conversations with you so they know their husbands have good friendships investing in them?

Are the husbands having good conversations with you so they know their wives have good friendships investing in them?

Are they having game nights? Movie nights? Beer and wine nights?

Are the husbands having guy time and the wives having ladies nights?

Are you planning vacations with them?

Are you calling them out if they are mean to each other in front of you or even at home? (some couples get used to bickering and will do it in front of you, you have every right to tell them to knock that off in front of you, your space is also important)

Are we asking them are you being a good husband or wife?

Are we also showing them grace and patience?

Are we holding them through thick and thin?

Are we going through the bad times and the good times with them?

Are we going through rich and poor times with them?

In sickness and in health?

Are we getting messy with them as life gets messy with them?

Are we encouraging them to adopt and have children?

Are we reminding them their marriage is beyond their own happiness?

I know we have felt pushed aside from our married friends.

I know the Bride of Christ values marriage more than singleness and the gift of celibacy.

I know the Bride of Christ doesn’t always know how to deal with same-sex attraction.

But the lessons we have learned in life not being married is that the world needs our love, attention, time, and sacrifice.

The world also needs families to pursue them! This will indirectly help them with their own selfishness as well as provide them with more human relationships to meet their own human needs.

The church has been preaching prosperity marriage and it’s killing marriages.

Us Christian singles and Christians that struggle with homosexuality need to remind our friends and teach our friends that marriage is about commitment!

We need to show them this commitment too!

We went to their weddings. We celebrated them. We danced with them. We either said nothing to them as they dated or was there when they dated.

Some of us are doing good and the best we can for our married friends.

Others, well, we are too quiet.

We need to speak up! Speak life into these marriages. Speak hope! Feel their pain and frustrations.

They shouldn’t tell their spouse all their sinful ways, no human can hold the weight of another humans sinfulness.

We need a team. Marriages need more than the two people married. Marriages need the team, family, friends, Church community that married them.

This is how Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality can love the Church.

This is how we can love our Christians friends who are married.

This is how we love Christians the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let the idolized, false, Disney marriage narrative that comes from the pulpit be the only teacher of marriage.

We are the hands and feet of God. Let’s be that!

We love you married Christians. We are here for you!

We will be invading you! We need you and you need us.

As the Apostle Paul teaches to the Church, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.”

And if you are a Christian that did get a divorce, don't let shame or self-pity take over your life. Move on and love the world. The world still needs the love in your heart. You still matter.

5 tips on how to help Christians that struggle with homosexuality deal with the ending of a friendship.

"Just when all those around me were assuring me they loved me, cared for me, appreciated me, yes, even admired me, I experienced myself as a useless, unloved, and despicable person.  Just when people were putting their arms around me. I saw the endless depth of my human misery and felt that there was nothing worth living for. Just when I had found a home, I felt absolutely homeless…..Just when people were thanking me for bringing them closer to God, I felt that God had abandoned me.  It was as if the house I had finally found had no floors. The anguish completely paralyzed me.  I could not be reached by consoling words or arguments. I no longer had any interest in other people’s problems.  I lost all appetite for food and could not appreciate the beauty of music, art, and even nature. 

All of this was triggered by the sudden interruption of a friendship." - Henri Nouwen 

One of the most common stories of Christians that struggle with homosexuality is the story of losing a particular meaningful friendship.  When this loss takes place, it is one of the most agonizing seasons of faith.  

It can be worse than struggling with homosexuality. 

Dealing with homosexuality isn’t a walk in the park.  It sucks. I would trade places most days of the year to be in the shoes of someone who doesn’t have to deal with same-sex attraction.  Gratefully, I have friends who are trying to understand my story, be there for me, love me, and give me the chance to love on them. I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I’m grateful I have friends that stick around.  

There is also so much joy when friends understand this is going to be rough and they stand by your side the whole time.  It won’t be easy walking alongside a Christian that struggles with homosexuality.  We are emotional to a degree that some men feel uncomfortable and don't know how to handle a crying man. 

But not all of the friendship is hard.  Sometimes it’s great.  It’s fun.  It’s normal. 

And so, I want to offer 5 tips for Christians who are entering into a friendship with a Christian that struggles with homosexuality and lost a friendship that was very meaningful to them.  Thanks to the writings of Henri Nouwen and Wesley Hill, I was able to receive the love and care from others as I processed the loss of my important friendship. I think the Church can benefit from their writings as well. 

1.  Listen to the Story.  
    
    Listen to the Story.  Figure out what chapter you just entered.  You can’t fix stories, they have already happened.  Understand that you haven't been a part of this broken friendship and now you just entered into their story.  You have no responsibility for our behavior, and you are not yet responsible to offer opinions or advice.  Just listen and understand.  Ask clarifying questions.  Why did this friendship mean so much? How did you meet them?  What were the good and bad times of the friendship?  Was God a part of this story? Where other friends involved? Was there a community involved? Listen and ask questions to understand the story. Don’t try to fix it.  

Also, we are going to have a lot of feelings.  These feelings most likely won't be right, but during this specific season of life, they might be the only voice we have left to explain what is going on in our hearts. 

When I was getting ready to attend Biola, I was really excited because I knew I was going to have the chance to make a bunch of new friends and have that college experience, well, Christian university experience. 

And I did. 

And it was fun. 

but I also had to live in two different worlds. 

One world was dealing with my same-sex attraction, trying to understand what that means, dealing with the shame I had because of this, making sure nobody knew I struggled with this, and trying to act as masculine as I can so nobody would know.  

I fooled some people.

The other world was literally just enjoying the college experience.  

 I was fortunate to have that. 

I was able to develop healthy normal friendships.  I had a couple of years of that.  Going out to eat late at night, eating all the fast food available, playing video games, especially Halo 2.  Going on road trips, retreats, debating theology and talking about how free will is the only right way of thinking.  Seeing my friends do stupid and immature crap and laughing about it.   

I was in the prime of creating friendships and feeling like I didn't have to deal with same-sex attraction. 

I loved it.  

I kept my struggle a secret for about two years and realized I needed some friends to process this, so I started sharing with some friends and it was great.  I was still treated like a normal person.  

But by the time I was 20, I screwed up and destroyed a friendship that was a part of my local church.  It was painful, but because I was still attending Biola and had a whole other community, I was able to get over that friendship really quick.  

But something happened that year I didn’t expect.  I met a friend, and this friend changed my life.  

In Henri Nouwen’s story, he had a similar experience, 

“Among my many friends, one had been able to touch me in a way I had never been touched before.  Our friendship encouraged me to allow myself to be loved and cared for with greater trust and confidence.  It was a totally new experience for me, and it brought immense joy and peace.  It seemed as if a door of my interior life had been opened, a door that had remained locked during my youth and most of my adult life.”

I had the same experience. This new friend opened up a door in my life that I didn’t know existed. 

I was finally allowing myself to be loved.  I was allowing myself to be valuable.  I was allowing myself to let my needs get met. 

My new friend shared some of his story with me and we were able to feel connected.  He didn’t struggle with homosexuality, but he was also fallen, just like all humans are.

What a great truth to truly understand.  

Our friendship developed in such a natural way.  Especially since we lived in the same dorm and went to the same University.  Our lives were just flowing together.  

Our friendship was one.  It was amazing.  He knew I was attracted to him and processed a lot of this with me.  I started going to therapy and learning more and more about myself.  I learned I needed touch.  I learned that time was important for me.  I learned that the transparency I was experiencing was extremely valuable to me, and I was learning I needed to be more open with friends and I started telling most of my community about my life.  

My buddy had one important rule in our friendship,  he would treat me like he would treat other guy friends.  So, I was treated like a guy.  

It was amazing.  

For a couple of years our friendship was deep, normal, and healthy, then something changed.  He started dating a friend and I lost it.  

Now I won’t get into the details of this because it gets quite complicated and I want to address it in the future with a more formal way,

but overall, we had a different idea of friendship and marriage. 

and because of that, I let the anger and hurt that started forming in me become my leader and my king.  

I treated this friend like crap for a long time and then came the consequence of that,

we were no longer friends.  

Henri Nouwen wrote what I think is the best words to describe this experience of a friendship falling apart.

“But this deeply satisfying friendship became the road to my anguish because soon I discovered that the enormous space that had been opened for me could not be filled by the one who had opened it.  I became possessive, needy, and dependent, and when the friendship finally had to be interrupted, I fell apart.  I felt abandoned, rejected and betrayed.  Indeed the extremes touch each other. Intellectually I knew that no human friendship could fulfill the deepest longing of my heart.  I knew that only God could give me what I desired. I knew that I had been set on a road where nod boy could walk with me but Jesus.  But all this knowledge didn’t help me in my pain.”  

For a couple of years I was lost, angry, in pain, bitter, in rage, I didn’t want to live, I hated the Church and most Christians, and I hated marriage.  

I was wondering why was God so silent in all of this?  Why didn’t he tell me what was going on?  

C.S Lewis was wrong when he said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.”  

God didn’t say or do anything.  

For a couple of years, I was yelling at him every other day.  

What the hell happened to me?  Why did I lose a friend that loved me so well and showed me so much and most importantly, tried to treat me like a normal guy?  Why did this friendship mean so much to me?  I had many great close guy friends that loved me so well, but their love was something that didn’t touch me the way this friendship did.  

I think it was because the friendship helped me overcame the shame I had because a normal straight dude was comfortable with his body with me and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t going to lust after him and walk with him in life as a best friend.

He gave me trust and gave me the opportunity to be loyal and not cross that friendship boundary.

I knew I was in the running to be his best man, that was something I was looking forward to. The one position a friend has that says, "This is my best mate!"

And it was now gone.

I don't think I'm going to have that opportunity come up again for the rest of my life either. 

During this agonizing season of life, I heard of an up and coming teacher on the topic of Christians struggling with homosexuality.  

His name was Wesley Hill and his book Spiritual friendship just came out. 

I bought it and read it and finally, for the first time, everything made sense.  He also went through the same experience.  He used different language to describe his experience though. 

In Hill’s book, in the chapter called, "Friendship is a call to suffer," he writes about the time he lost his friendship with a person he really loved. He described the first initial conversation he had to have with his friend as the friend started pursuing a woman he was into. 

“Yea, good,” he said.  “We talked. And we both feel the same way.  We talked about being together.  We’re both really happy about it. We like each other.” He laughed.  He was smiling.  The conversation trailed off.  We talked about what we’d each do that night, what work we had left for the afternoon.  We said goodbye.  I was unprepared for what happened next. My hands were shaking as I placed the phone on the desk.  And the tears came almost immediately. I knelt down and folded my knees under my stomach.  Gripping the side of the bed, I sobbed.  My eyes stung, I cried so much.  The next day I stepped into the shower. I couldn’t stop crying.  I covered my face with my hands, feeling the hot water cascading over my fingers, seeping in with the tears…..Over the previous several years, my friend and I had become especially close.  We liked each other from the time of our first meeting, and our friendship had deepened through many evenings spent talking late into the night. I have never had a friend who loved me so deeply, or whom I've loved so much, I frequently thought…"

Later on, Hill continues to tell the story of how slowly and painfully this friendship fell apart.  Although his friends said, “I’m not walking away from you. I’m not leaving.  You're not losing me,”  this friendship didn’t last. 

“I wish I could say that my friend and I found a way through this tangle of grief and somehow managed to attain an even richer intimacy, but we didn’t….We tried talking, again about what had happened, but the collision of my ongoing sense of loss and loneliness and his burgeoning joy at newfound love ultimately proved combustible, and we decided a season of not speaking to each other would be for the best.  That season turned into months and then years, and the friendship slowly dwindled.”  

When I read this part of his book.  I couldn’t believe what just happened.  Literally, the exact experience he had I had.  He sought out looking for truth and other experiences men like him encountered, and I did the same thing.  It was as if I read what I wanted to write about, but I couldn’t do it.  I was still drowning in my pain.

There are many reasons why Christians who struggle with homosexuality lose friendships.  

There is the most important conversation the Church needs to have right now which is, "Why doesn’t the church value friendships and why is marriage and the nuclear family made into an idol and allowed to still be an idol?"'

Other reasons relate to a lack of understanding of healthy boundaries and communication. A lack of understanding healthy, deep, committed friendships.  Understanding needs in a person's life. How to deal with the transitions in the social systems of life and stages in life.  

The list goes on.  

Right now here is the reality Christians need to understand, 

Many Christians that struggle with homosexuality experience this very same narrative.  We lose the friend that opened the door to us understanding how to be loved, dealing with shame, helping us understand who we want to be as a man, and also understand what are our needs.  The list goes on about this particular friendship and what it did for us.  

So the next part of the story takes place, 

We are then left in the beautiful hands of the friends that have always been there since the beginning or we meet new friends that happen to show up in this very dark chapter of our lives.  


2.  Sit with them in the pain.  
    
    Henri Nouwen wrote something I think is so beautifully well put.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

This is going to be a long process.  We will be grieving the loss of this friendship for a long time.  One of the Professors from Biola, who was helping me navigate this issue and has a lesbian daughter who is married to a woman, told me, “Richard, this will take a long time to heal. Be ready for this, but there is hope.”  At that time, I didn’t care about anything.  I didn’t want to live and I was a mess.  This is what drove me to eventually talking to my parents that I struggled with homosexuality because I knew things were going to get rough. 

Listening to the story and sitting with us in pain are different actions.  One of my favorite stories in the Christian scriptures is the story of Job.  After Job lost all his wealth, children, and was physically inflicted with pain, his closest friends came to be with him.  

 "When Job’s three friends heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was."

I love this. They just sat with him.  That is all humans need sometimes. In the chaos of life, we just need to sit with each other and not talk and just feel the pain.  

That is a gnarly idea. 

3.  Help them make a team.  
    
    Eventually, we are going to need friends to step into this pain with us.  At first, we are going to want to be alone and raise our fist towards God and others, but then we will realize we need help. One of the issues we have dealing with homosexuality, especially if we are young, is that we want one person to help us fix our life.  To some extent, many Christians do this with marriage, especially young newly married Christians. This is dangerous.  We need a team.  We need to fight against our insecurities and lies and ask a team for help.  Henri Nouwen moved into a place of support to finally deal with the agonizing pain he was experiencing so he could receive the love he deserves and needs.  Make sure your friend who struggles with homosexuality is building a network of support and friendship to deal with their needs in their life.  

Don't be a Savior.  Be a teammate. 

They need to know that God sent many friends to be very close to them so they can eventually realize they have been loved by many and not just this one friend they had a falling out with.  They need to began to fully trust the love their friends are offering them. 

4. Invite them into your story.

The amount of pain we are experiencing can be rough,  but we can still be there for you in your life.  We need to be told that we are still in friendships with others and that we have obligations to do the best we can to support our friends in their own story.  

During the time of the the falling out with my best friend, I became friends with a cool Mormon dude that eventually moved in with me and my housemates.  For the first year as I was processing my loss, it was good to be rooming with someone who didn't even understand the true message of Jesus, that Jesus was the Son of Father, he was God, and was there in the beginning.  

I remember I would have days I would be wanting to kill myself or die somehow and then I would come home to a friend that would ask me questions about Jesus and Christianity and it would help me remember that I was a part of a bigger story, a story of redemption, sacrifice, forgiveness, and newness.  

I started realizing other humans in my life still have their stories going on and I belong to it.  It wasn't just about my loss, but about the loss and gains of others. The joys and sufferings of others.  
 
Don't be afraid to tell us your story during this time.  We need to hear it.  

5. Walk with them in the reconciliation process. 

Now, this doesn't mean that we would be able to reconcile with our friend anytime soon. What this means is in our hearts we first need to reconcile with God.  Any anger we have towards him we need to figure that out if we can, sometimes we can't and only time can help that.  I needed years to realize that God loved me and that he was taking care of me and that I needed to ask for forgiveness for all the anger, bitterness, and rage that was in my heart towards him and others.  

I also had to remember the cross represents the consequences of sins done to me. That was the hardest for me to accept.  I wanted my best friend to feel pain and consequences for the wrongs I felt he committed to me, but I was forgetting that the cross covered that.  That Jesus took on the consequences of abandonment that I felt.  That is why it is so important to forgive someone even if we don't necessarily hear an apology from them.  

"If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done."

"And when you stand and pray, forgive anything you may have against anyone, so that your Father in heaven will forgive the wrongs you have done."

"Drink it, all of you; this is my blood, which seals God's covenant, my blood poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

We are part of the New Covenant, but to be a part of it means we need to have a heart of forgiveness or at least pursue that truth.  I started to realize this through months of processing the pain and anger that was in me as well as realizing that my friends also were getting tired of our friendship always being about my pain.  
 
I needed to move on and forgive or I was going to become someone I didn't want to be.

 Once I realized this, a couple of years after this falling out, I was able to see the situations my friend and I were in differently.  I had more compassion, understanding, and sadness at our falling out. 

To some extent, I think what we went through happened because we were a product of our evangelical communities and we faced bigger issues that the church is trying to figure out now, which is the idolization of marriage, what is healthy true community, how important should friendship be, and how does the church offer healthy intimacy to Christians struggling with homosexuality. The church is starting to address this stuff now, it makes sense to me why we couldn't figure this out as 22-year-olds. At times I'm frustrated that this happened between us and other times I see the good this has produced in my life because it did help me in big ways which now is helping others, especially with the realization of what the 4TS were in my life that this friend gave to me. 

Henri Nouwen also reminded me of the reconciliation process and how to have compassion,

"You keep listening to those who seem to reject you.  But they never speak about you.  They speak about their own limitations.  They confess their poverty in the face of your needs and desires.  They simply ask for your compassion.  They do not say that you are bad, ugly, or despicable.  They say only that you are asking for something they cannot give and that they need to get some distance from you to survive emotionally.  The sadness is that you perceive their necessary withdrawal as a rejection of you instead of as a call to return home and discover there your true belovedness."

I can keep going on with Henri Nouwen insights.

After I was able to finally forgive the parties in this falling out, I had a passion to help Christians that don't struggle with homosexuality understand how to help others who do struggle with it.  I had developed other deep and meaningful friendships that prepared them for the chaos of a Christian that struggles with homosexuality. 

I don't want other Christian friendships to suffer the way my best friend and I suffered.  I want there to be hope, truth, and a path already walked. 

This is what reconciliation can do, it opens up the doors of redemption and God using the mess in our life to glorify his name.  I realized my experience and story can help other Christians that don't struggle with homosexuality to understand what it takes to help someone who does. 

Communication, healthy boundary expectations, understanding of loyal committed friendship, the value of touch, time, transparency, and most importantly, TEAMWORK.  

A letter to Christians walking alongside Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

A letter to Christians walking alongside Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

I want to say thank you! 

You have walked a very hard path very few Christians encounter in their Christian walk.  You have sought the deep love in your heart and have tried over and over to express that to Christians like me that have many deep wounds, pain hurt, insecurity, questions about masculinity, questions about sexuality, questions about your sexuality, the list goes on of our neediness.  

A neediness that is a sign that the Holy Spirit is doing a work in our hearts. 

But you my friend have crossed that line of normal friendship and entered into a world of chaos and anguish. 

A world of neediness, a world of self-hatred, a world of confusion and emptiness. 

When we meet  Christians like you, we will gravitate towards you quickly. 

I think Henri Nouwen Sums up the type of friend you are here…

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

That is the role you have played in our lives. 

You are the type of friend we will attach ourselves to emotionally, call you every day and ask how are you doing?

We will be overcommitted to you, have unhealthy boundaries.  Give you whatever you want. 

Sorry about that, we were still learning how to be friends with someone who was willing to dive into this with us.  You were an answered prayer.

We would die for you (I don’t think that always bad though, we want to love with our lives, we were made for that) 

We will cry many nights because of the deep pain in our hearts.  Cry about the abuses and shame we have had to deal with since we were 10 years old and realized we are different than all the other boys on the playground.

We were called a fag, queer, pushed around, bullied, molested, raped,

We felt worthless since we were kids and you come around and act like the older brother we have been longing for and needed.

You defended us and protected us.  

You heard our story and realized that you can do something about it.

Sometimes we were suicidal, we would say very hateful things towards the church and our friends if we let our anger take over our hearts. 

We will hate it when you date because we will get jealous, or feel like we are losing a friend that seemed to be the very hands and feet of Jesus, the person we long to be connected to.

We don’t always know how to live in an evangelical setting the idolizes marriage. 

It confuses us, it causes us deep anger.

But you step into this shit and say,

“How can I help?” 

“What can I do?”

“Tell me your story?” 

At times, you might over commit and realize you didn’t know what you were signing up for, then you will back out.

You feel like you have been trapped and that we are pulling you down with us in our everlasting pit of shame, pain, agony, and sorrow.  

You began to realize that you are very different than us. You feel lost and you start to realize you need the help of Christ or you are going to drown with us. 

You didn't know how much this will cost you. 

Sometimes you just need to cut ties with us.  You need to save yourself from our craziness.  

We get it, most of us would do the same in your situation. 

We are crazy as fuck and we know it.

But that is our world.  That is what we deal with daily.  We live with this everlasting, inwardly eternal dissonance.  

Sometimes we laugh about it, do drugs, get drunk, hook up with hundreds of men just to stay alive because this pain is to heavy for us. 

We have been talking to God about this too since we were 10 years old.

He knows all about this. 

God seems quiet most of the time.  

But then you show up and it seems like God is louder than ever.  

Because you are God’s hands and feet. 

Sometimes we will put to much trust on you, too much responsibility on you. We don’t want to carry this, we would trade places with anyone in a heartbeat.

But again, you step in and say,

“What can I do?”

“How can I help?”

Some of us need help understanding a healthy theology of trusting in Jesus as we are alone and that God is truly in us, living with us offering peace and power to our chaos.

Some of us need a friend to just chill and watch Netflix.

Some of us need to go on road trips and get out of our environment for a bit.

Some of us need to live with you and your spouse (thanks Jeremy and Linsey). 

Some of us need a shoulder to cry on and hold our hand as we feel the deep pain of disconnect from friends we have had falling outs with (Thanks Tyler)

Some of us need to understand what same-sex attraction means in our life. 

Some of us just need a hug, a long one.  

Some of us need to be affirmed that we matter and that the Church isn’t afraid of us.

Some of us need to be told that we have much to offer the kingdom of God, to his church, and to our friends.  We need to be told we are slaves to Christ (Thanks Kolby). 

Some of us need help telling our parents, friends, and church leaders that we struggle with this and don’t know what to do.

Some of us just need to be told, everything is going to be okay because it really is. 

The list goes on.  

and I want to say, 

thank you.  

You entered into something that is hard.  You entered into a friendship that is going to test you. A friendship that will question your ideas of marriage, friendship, and the local church. It might scare you, cause you pain, challenge you and make you very uncomfortable at times.

We might be attracted to you. 

Let me take that back, 

we will be attracted to you. 

 We will need to talk about this so we can deal with the shame that occurs with this and even the lust in our hearts.  You were willing to talk about the body with us.  How to treat your body with respect and treat your body as a brother and not a sex object.  You also treated us like a brother.  You were not afraid of us. You treated us with trust. You took us into the locker room and showers and said,

"You belong here with me."

You are a man just like I am.

 Most Christians handle a friendship that is side by side, but we will need a friendship that is face to face. 

Again, thank you for stepping into our world for a bit, and trying the best that you can do.  At the end of the day, we know that God is the only one that can save us, but whatever the Church can offer, we will take it. 

We don’t just want to take though, we want to love and sacrifice.  We have already told God, “Fine, we won’t pursue what feels natural to us. But please give us someone or friends to love.  We can’t live life alone.  You didn’t make us like that.”

“God, You made a covenant with Abraham and called him Friend.”

“We can live without sex, but we can’t live without friends.” 

“You saved humanity through a friendship.” 

“Can you please bring friends around?”

And again,

 to the Christian who walks alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality,

Thank you. 

You have been the hands and feet of Christ.  

And don’t forget, the hands and feet of Christ were pierced.  

Being his hands and feet will hurt.  

It will cost.  

But there is glory behind it. 

The glory being like Christ.

The glory of being used by the Holy Spirit to bring light and hope in the darkness that homosexuality can be. 

Again thank you.  That is all we can offer sometimes.  We might not be able to offer you stability, but we can offer you a very introspective reflection of the work the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts.

In your heart.

We can show you the hidden sinful nature of your own life as you walk alongside us.

Because you will hear question after question about what is right? What is healthy? What is Holy? What is Christian?

What does it mean that Jesus said, "Pick up your Cross and follow me.”

What does it mean that “We will be like the angels in heaven that are not married.”

What does it mean to be single and married in the local church?

The apostles taught that the Word of God will pierce our own existence separating our bones from our flesh. 

Walking alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality and are pursuing the Holiness of God in their life will cause everyone around them to rethink their own ideas of self, their pursuit of Christ, and the influence you will have with the humans around you and in your life. 

Christians who struggle with homosexuality have a lot to offer you.  

But it will be tough.  

But for right now, I just want to leave you with this,

Thank you for walking with us. 

You have done a great job.

What The Church has that Gay Porn doesn't.

    When I was 15 or 16 I won a PSP at my church youth group.  For those of you that don't remember what a PSP was, it was one of the first personal devices for teens and children to play PlayStation games on.  I remember that night I went home happy I won such a pricey device I would not have bought for myself. I ended up selling it to someone for 200 bucks! 

Got em! 
   
 But that night as I was in my room trying to figure out this new device, I'm not really savvy with tech stuff,  my concern was whether or not it had internet. Once I figured out it had internet,              

I went straight to googling “naked men.”

    Most men see porn from the ages of 8-11 for the first time. A lot of my friends told me they first saw it on their father's computers. I'm actually quite intrigued many Christians, especially women, don't think their husbands or friends have seen porn or even struggle with looking at it, and there is quite a lot of shame that falls on men for dealing with this, but I won't be talking about that today. 
    When I was growing up, we never had a computer in our house so those issues never came up.  That is why my first look at porn was when I was 15 or 16.

But I didn't look at just “porn.”

I looked at “Gay Porn.” 

There is a difference.  

Geeze, I'm glad I got that off my chest (That's what he said! cause gay.”- Michael Scott).

Why did I go straight for the “naked man googling” when I got this device?  

    Well, as a kid I went through some sexual abuse, but for me it wasn't traumatic the way others go through sexual abuse. Nevertheless, the idea of a man was sexually pleasing to me. Since my encounters stopped around the age of 12, right in the middle of puberty, from 12-16 men became foreign to me.  I wanted to see men, feel men, be like certain men, have their persona, have their bodies, be known by these men, and I wanted to lust after them and their bodies.  

     I wanted what they had.  I wanted to be taller, white, bigger, I wanted them, their athletic abilities, their blonde hair, their blue eyes.  I hated my body.  So this desire in me to see a naked man was for a multitude of complex reasons. This was the only tangible way I can repair my own self-esteem as a 16-year-old who didn't know what the hell was going on in me.  

This was the only way I can know masculinity, and be known by it.  

This was the only way I can know a male deeply. 

    As I was doing some research on this topic of gay porn, I ran into some interesting stats from the website  Pornhub.  

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And here are some stats about Pornhubs gay use from across the pond in England. 

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When I first saw these stats, it reminded me of something I read quite awhile back, 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lester-brathwaite/adventures-in-sex-and-sel_b_4921467.html

This post is addressing a bigger conversation that is occurring within the gay community.  As much as the gay community is all about acceptance, tolerance, be true to yourself, it's far from those ideals. 

Masculinity is the god in the gay world. 

You are either trying to be masculine and be the TOP and fuck a bottom, which I think makes gay men feel good about themselves. 

Or you are a Bottom wanting masculinity to be in you and so you are fucked by a top, hoping this satisfies your desire for masculinity approval.

There is a lot that goes with these ideas I am presenting, but I am also not going to directly address that. 

What I want to talk about is this need for masculinity these gay men want and how gay porn satisfies that want in a fake, shallow, and addictive way, and how the Church is more powerful than gay porn and can offer this healthy need for masculinity in 3 ways.

1.  The Church can offer the male intimacy that gay porn can't.
     A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork
2. The Church can offer an actual male body that gay porn can't.  
    A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork
3.  The Church will help with the healing process and the redemption that God desires for his children that gay porn can't.
    A. Through Touch
    B. Time
    C. Transparency
    D. Teamwork. 

One of the most fascinating stats about gay porn was how much categories were tied to "Straight men" in the U.S. and in England.

Straight first time
Straight
Straight friend
straight guy tricked
straight seduced
daddy
college

I can't address the "Black" category.  Even now I have been doing tons of reading and searching to figure that out and it's hard to pinpoint the reason for that.

When I look at these stats, what I am seeing are men looking for the God-given need for same-sex intimacy, friendship, healthy male experiences such as the locker room, college roomates. 

Yes, some of the categories are gross, manipulative, scary, straight up evil and sinful.  

But that is what Satan and our sinfulness have done to our beautiful home called earth and beautiful family called humanity.  

These gay men and Christians who struggle with homosexuality are watching gay porn and are longing for same-sex intimacy and Satan is tricking them! They are also weak and giving in. 

And guess what!?

The Church, with the help of the Holy Spirit, 

sent by Jesus, 

sent by the Father, 

has given the Church the ability to save, carry the burdens, be a light to the sinners who need the saving grace of Christ.

They are the hands and feet of Christ. 

Why do these men want to watch a "straight first-time" man having gay sex? 

Becuase there is intimacy they are longing for that Christian men can give them through hugs, time, vulnerability spiritually, emotionally, and physically(like the locker room and showers), and teamwork (fighting loneliness).

Why are "Straight men" being searched on gay porn? Because these men are looking for what they feel they don't have, 

Masculinity.

The Church can offer healthy masculinity through transparency.  The Church can talk about what it means to be a man. What it means to be a strong man, a weak man, a compassionate man, an artsy man.  What insecurities you have as a man.  What hurts you have as a man.  What sexual abuse you have been through as a man, and trust me, many straight Christian men have gone through same-sex abuse as a child.  

Let's be vulnerable and talk about that! 

Let's talk about the body.  Is your penis small? Are you chubby? Are you afraid of what other men think of your body? Can you fight? Are you good looking enough to get a girl?  Are you smart enough?  Are you looking for the approval of other men?  

Straight men who are confident with their masculinity and understand who they are as a follower of Jesus and as a man have the ability to walk alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality, really their masculinity, and help them exercise those male qualities that are unique to them! To walk around knowing you are male simply because you are and no other male body can give you what you already have.  His penis isn't yours, his blonde hair isn't yours, his nice gold Californian tan isn't yours, It's mine, when I have it. 

You are you, and that is great! 

These gay men and Christians that struggle with homosexuality shouldn't have to "Seduce straight men" or "trick straight men" to experience the intimacy of being male together. 

The Church in a healthy appropriate platonic and confident manner can offer their bodies as friends would for each other.  Through touch, hugs, celebratory punches, cuddling. 

The gay man in his article wrote, he was happy to be cuddling with this man that he just had sex with but knew this wasn't going to last.  I would love for him to know that the Church can offer this type of touch.  I know that is scary, but is it really sinful or unhealthy to offer a cuddle?

Hell no! 

Is it weird and awkward for a Christian man to offer this, well, it sure is.

But the more and more Christians have to hear the desires and longings that are deep within teenagers and adults who struggle with homosexuality they are going to have to realize that they can't keep saying "Give it to God." It's not going to work like that.  We will lose tons and tons of young adults to the gay community who offers that.  

Also, Christian men who struggle with homosexuality shouldn't feel like they need to seduce, hide, manipulate, "trick straight men" into feeling like one of the guys in the locker room, the skinny dipping spontaneous late-night thrill, the moment when you guys are both changing and glance and each other and see each other's nuts.  Christian men should be normal with these Christian men that struggle with homosexuality and walk alongside them as they learn to desexualize this normal healthy experience.  

This isn't reparative therapy either.

This is learning how to respect and understand boundaries and also 

Just being normal. 

It's just a penis. It's a part of us and it's funny that is why men do the helicopter in the locker rooms and showers.  Having a penis and showing it off in locker rooms during the craziness of team environments and brotherhood and just roomatehood helps Christian men realize, they need to treat these friends and brothers as friends and brothers.  All parts of them.  Their spirituality, their emotions, and their bodies. 

Gay porn is trying to offer the teamwork that these Christian men are trying to find.  

and the Church is better! 

The Church offers reality. 

It offers friendship. 

Long-term lifelong friendship.

It offers shoulders to cry on.  Friends to hold your hand at night as you are in pain.  Friends to celebrate birthdays with. Births to celebrate, marriages to celebrate, helping your friend's after they had a surgery.  Hearing their hurts and pains as they are married looking to you for help and advice.  The Church has gifts to give, thoughtful affections and services.  

It has the chance to give that intimate moment when a fellow brother or sister looks into another Christian's eyes (who struggles with homosexuality) as they turn their head down because they are not used to real true intimacy, and say, 

"I am here for you, and you belong to me and my family and we are in a friendship together and I need you just like you need me.  And together we will walk alongside each other as we learn what it means to serve and love God and do the same for others."

"We are one."

That is way better than a night in the dark hiding with shame at the 5 minute video of men being pleasured by each other.

That is a lie!!!!

It's not real and it won't help the Christian that struggles with homosexuality receive and give the love and intimacy they need. 

To my Christian brothers, church leaders, friends,

Ask your Christian brothers you know that struggle with this if they watch gay porn? 

Don't be afraid of the answer. 

Ask them what do they watch and why they watch it.

This gets to the truth and healing and battle and low self-esteem issues they are dealing with.  

And get ready to offer the 4T'S. Friendship. Church Community.  Church rebukes.  Adventures.  Vulnerability.  Your time.  Your life.  Your body.  

This is a battle over the body.  If we keep thinking Christians that struggle with homosexuality or their masculinity only need our spiritual wisdom and not our bodies, then we are not going to get to the blessings of walking with our brothers who deal with this and we will lose them to the community that is offering their bodies. 

Gay porn is fake.

The Christian Church is Real!

We have bodies, intimate non-sexual experiences of touch and vulnerability.   

We are better than that! 

We have way more going for us than gay porn. 

Adam was trying to know God on the level of God and ate something that gave fake truth to him.

And God was trying to Know Adam on Adams level, by just walking with him.  Maybe a skinny dip here and there. 

And the son came to our level and walked with us in our human body. 

He wasn't afraid to get physical with us.  

The church shouldn't either with the struggling children of God. 

The Holy Spirit is redeeming them too! Transforming their minds to the perfect will of God. 

To know each other the way we ought to know each other. 

As friends, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, 

As the Church. 

When the Side B Community says you need to be called a Celibate GAY Christian

“Your Gayness does not define you.  Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. - Michael Scott

I love the office! It's one of the best comedies ever created.  I enjoy it because it says comments people really think and want to do in the workplace.  Whether it's good or bad, it's real.  That is why so many people like it.  They can relate to the ordinary workday presented in the show and the ridiculous comments humans make in the workplace.

What I find hilarious about this Michael Scott quote is it threw in so many complicated ideas, topics, and language that Americans use to communicate race, sexual identity, and the most interesting idea to me, how people want to label you after you have labeled yourself.

“Your Mexican-ness is what DEFINES YOU TO ME.” 

Gold! 

This is Satire. 

Satire allows for comedy to cover up the reality of real human thoughts, actions, and systems, especially when they are not politically correct.

Now there seems to be an attitude of theological correctness in certain Side B camps, and it is becoming unproductive for the local church. It's also becoming tribal and bullish.   

Specifically, around the idea Side B Christians need to be called “Celibate Gay Christians.”

If you don't agree with them on this label, you're seen as not being very honest with yourself, that is the same idea the gay community tells me for not embracing "who I am."

But before I get into those 3 words, I want to explain a labeling and identity issue I had to deal with before I even get to my same-sex attraction categories I supposedly have to put myself in and it has to deal with my...

...Well...

“Mexicanity”

I grew up in a small city in Los Angeles County that is 80% Hispanic.  

The word Hispanic, according to sociological and anthropological definitions, has two meanings.

1. It's an adjective relating a person to Spain or Spanish-speaking countries, especially those of Latin America.
2. It's a noun for someone who speaks Spanish. 

This was quite hard for me to understand in my development as a Hispanic male because I only qualify for one of these meanings. What disqualifies me from the holistic idea of a “Hispanic” is that I don't speak Spanish.  

My family doesn’t speak Spanish.

My parents don't speak Spanish.

I think my grandparents do, but they never spoke it to me.  

We are about 4 generations away from Spanish being our family's primary language and that's on both sides of my family.  

To complicate my life a little more, I had to deal with another identity issue.  

I live in Los Angeles where Mexicans seem to be the biggest minority group present. I would even say they are the biggest people group.  You see the Mexican flag around in shops and places where the Mexican culture is the dominant culture represented in the Los Angeles melting pot.  

And so, if you are of a brown skin color, it's assumed you are, well,

Mexican. 

But within this region, many Hispanics get upset when they are called Mexican because there are many different races present in this region.  There is Honduran, El Salvadorian, etc.  Many Latin Countries are presented here in Los Angeles. So it's offensive to many who are Hispanic when they are categorized as Mexican.  

But on top of this complexity, there is something else, no matter what nationality you come from, 

you need to embrace the culture of that nationality.

So for me, this means I need to embrace being a Mexican.  

But I'm not Mexican.  

I don't have a citizenship from there. I've been there like 4 times in my life for a weekend.  And my experience has a human has always been within the context and worldview of being an American! 

Recently, I did the Camino De Santiago in Spain, and I ran into many people from all over the world.  Within the communities that formed on this long month walk, we got to know each other well, and my American attitude bled out of me.  I was known as the Californian who voted for Trump.  I was a conservative, I was for capitalism, and I was extremely individualistic in my presentation of my thoughts.  

I was American.   And I don't speak Spanish and I'm not Mexican.

Yet! I'm criticized by many Spanish speakers for not knowing Spanish, and not embracing my Mexican heritage.  And I'm criticized by many white Americans for not embracing my Mexican Heritage. 

I'm supposed to identify myself with words I don't comprehend or understand.  I feel like I would violate the Mexicans I do know and the Spanish Speakers that know Spanish if I embraced these labels.

Words. 

Labels

Identities.

I'm okay with them.  The brain works like that. I don't mind it. And I embrace it.  

But don't tell me what I'm supposed to call myself, especially if I don't qualify to be in those categories.  

And if we are going to use sociological and anthropological words to describe ourselves, if we are going to use

 “social constructs” 

then we need to keep our academic integrity and not use words however we want just because it makes sense to us or we like it. If we don't want to use sociological and anthropological language, then say whatever you want.  But if we want to use those words, then you have to qualify for them. If not, then who the hell cares what any of us are in regards to words, labels, identities.  

Words are meaningless then.  

But we know that is not true because words are powerful and give us ideas and perception of reality and how to live in this reality.

So, let's talk about CELIBATE GAY CHRISTIANS. 

But before we go there, I want to preface this with the Christian beliefs of vocations and the results of life.

ALL Christian tradition and culture has taught Christians have two choices for their vocation in regards to their options for New Covenant Sexuality.

(I define sexuality as the act of using your reproductive organs and your body, in general, to express eros for another and fulfill the reproductive responsibility of sex.)

It's either in marriage or celibacy.  Within these two pursuits, Chastity is commanded for all Christians.  There is Chastity in Marriage and in Celibacy. 

For Christians who can't find a spouse, this doesn’t mean they are pursuing celibacy, this means they need to understand how to live a life of Chastity as they figure out how to get married or whatever words I need to say to communicate that Christians just have to wait to get married sometimes or learn how to be a single person in their local church practising chastity. 

They are living in the results of not being married, being single. 

Let's get more into it. 

Recently there has been a discussion if Christians who are attracted to the same sex should combine all these words.  Specifically, the GAY word.

Funny note, Celibacy is more accurately defined or understood by Catholics and Orthodox Christians, but evangelicals don't care about celibacy so more drama has been about the word “GAY Christian” ignoring the word “CELIBATE” Gay Christian, as if that word isn't as important. 

So let's start off with the word Celibate and also compare it with some words I have to deal with in my life in regards to being Hispanic/Latin/Mexican/American.

Many of these “Celibate Gay Christians” only define themselves as celibate because they are abstaining from the sex actions they desire.  What I mean is they are trying to not have sex with the same sex or get involved romantically with someone of the same sex.  That's basically it.  As I have talks with these “Celibates Gays,” I never hear them talking about Celibacy in a way the Biblical writers are talking about Celibacy or the way Ancient and Traditional Christians talk about Celibacy, such as the Catholic monks, priest, nuns, and orthodox celibate priest.  

The old ideas of Celibacy come from ideas that relate to a Christian making a vow to not pursue a marriage relationship because they believe they can be of better service for the Church as a Single person who can in a healthy way live a life not participating in a biological family and living a life of chastity.   

Ironically,  Wesley Hills talks who calls himself a “Celibate Gay Christian” wrote this about celibacy which I think is spot on. 

        ...celibacy is an important reminder that love isn’t reducible to what we do in bed or over a candlelit table for two. It is a reminder that love exceeds the boundaries of the nuclear family. Celibacy is not about a heroic feat of willpower. It’s about giving up one way of expressing love in order to be able to love widely, profligately, indiscriminately. It’s about foregoing a spouse in order to love a community. It’s about giving up the possibility of children in order to become a spiritual father or mother in the family called “church.” It’s about being a little less entangled in the life of the world in order to be a little more free to celebrate the coming kingdom of God, in which none of us will be married and all of us will be spiritual friends with everyone else in the new creation that God will usher in. In the words of Ronald Rolheiser, “Celibacy, if properly lived, can be an important way to keep alive, visible             and in the flesh, that part of the incarnation which tells us that when one is speaking of love, the human heart is the central organ.”

I find it interesting that Wesley Hill gives a great description for the vocation of celibacy but he ties it to Side B Christianity.

But not all Side B Christians have the charisma to be celibate, but they are called to chastity just like other Christians are.  

Now, about 90% of Side B Christians I know, Christians who struggle with homosexuality or call themselves “Celibate Gay Christians,” or not trying to fulfill the vocation of being celibate.

Sure they are trying to love others well in their life, but ALL Christians in whatever vocation they are in are commanded to love others. 

But they are not fulfilling the unique calling of the Holy and Profound Vocation of Celibacy the way Wesley Hill Describes Celibacy.  

If these Celibate Gay Christians are actually fulfilling the Holy Spirit's empowerment for the charisma of celibacy for the Church, I'm not that impressed because all these Celibate Gay Christians just seem to be advocates for labels and are not fulfilling the role of a Celibate Vocation.

They are not a mother to the motherless, a father to the fatherless, a friend to the friendless, a light to the darkness, a little Jesus to the lost.

They want to be a GAY in the Church.  

That seems to be their main concern.  

Now, I'm generalizing here, so yes there are a some who are Side B fulfilling the proper vocation of celibacy, but my money is that most are not, at least the ones I know of. 

This is VERY important to distinguish so that way the Evangelical church knows just because someone is struggling with homosexuality doesn’t mean they are called to Celibacy, they are called to live Holy Chaste lives just like other Christians who are not struggling with homosexuality.  

Celibacy is a Charisma some Christians have, Chastity is a Command for all Christians.  It is a charisma the Evangelical church doesn't want to teach yet because they don't want to let go of sex and their lustful desires.  They are blinded by their own fallen sexuality not realizing they are worshiping an idol.  They too justify their own sex acts just because it is in the context of male and female.  They are not off the hook and many know that now because as we pursue more community and intimacy regarding this topic, we will visit the sexual desires of all Christians and question the intention, ethics, and teachings regarding New Covenant Sexuality. 

They don't want to teach the Gift of Celibacy because they are afraid of the sacrifice.  They are fine putting that on others, especially Christians that are struggling with homosexuality, but they won't put that on Christians struggling with heterosexuality. 

There is a lot more I can get into here, but I'll stop for right now.

But Just like I can't fully qualify as being “Hispanic,” but I come from a Spanish descent (which qualifies me for half of the definition of being Hispanic)...

...I can't qualify for being a “Celibate” because I can't give the type of Holy and Profound love Christians who are celibate can, such as priest, nuns, monks, etc.  

I'm not Celibate, I'm just a single guy trying to practice chastity, and so are most of you Side B Christians.  Let's learn how to do that together.  This is why I created the 4TS and the Church website. I want the local church to know how to walk alongside us Side Bers as we are single living chaste lives that have deep same-sex intimacy needs that have to be met.  

Also, we can meet their needs too! 

We are the bride of Christ.  We are in a covenant together married to Jesus.  

Now let's talk about the word “GAY.”

I grew up in Los Angeles in a Hispanic (I'm glad we have that defined) culture and I work in West Holywood every weekend and on some weekday nights.

If you are a Christian and you tell someone in West Hollywood you are a Gay Christian, what do you think they will think or say?

This - “OH! That means you are attracted to the same sex but you don't pursue a Romantic relationship with the same sex because you think it is unchristian and sinful.”

Hell no! 

They would think you are simply looking for eros love with the same sex just like others are looking for eros love.  (they wouldn't use the word eros)

This is not only a descriptor for what you are attracted too, it is a descriptor for what you are pursuing in regards to what you think humans can participate in, gay sex, and adding Christian to it doesn't even matter. 
 
Culture, words, geographic location, all add to what a word means.  I don't know what all the “Celibate Gay Christians” think, but at least here in So Cal, the word “Gay” doesn't mean what Side B Christians are saying.  It means what it means.   

GAY 

That God made you like this.  That your want to have sex with the same sex is good and doesn't need to be redeemed.  

Now, this word is also tricky because, in the history of English language, it was never tied to someone who wants to have sex with someone of the same sex.  It meant carefree, bright, friendly, happy.  

Not until the late 19th 20th century did this word get tied to the social construct word “homosexual” which is a scientific word to describe someone sexually attracted to the same sex. 

Then the word straight which originally meant “upright, serious, not caving in got tied to another social construct word, heterosexual, which means sexual attraction to those of the opposite sex. 

So all that to say, When Side B Christians say they are “Gay” they are not using this new modern word the right way.  They are trying to, like how Christianity has always done, take over culture and use the word the way they want to. 

Just like if I was to start calling myself “Mexican.”  But I'm not Mexican, even if I wanted to be, I'm not from Mexico and I don't even have citizenship there. I can call myself that, and some Hispanics would be happy if I did, but I'm not truly Mexican.

If you are a “GAY” Christian, you can call yourself that, and make Side A and Side B people happy who relate to you, and go to gay pride parades and participate in a “GAY Celebration.” 

But don't kid yourself, you're not really gay and you are not celebrating the same thing the Gay community is celebrating.  

Now, if I want to be Mexican, I can go to Mexico and try to get citizenship there and if I did get citizenship I can call myself Mexican! I can even call myself Mexican/American! 

And so if you want the identity of a “Gay” person, you can accept the beliefs and cultural definition of the Gay word, which is someone who affirms that gay relationships are sociologically acceptable and good for humans and that God made you like that. He made you with a desire to have sex with the same sex and that is all good. Then you can call yourself a Gay Christian.  

Good for you! 

But overall, Side B Christians who really want this label to communicate their experience as a Side B Christian are not helping the overall discussion of how can the church meet the needs of Side B Christians.  

If anything, you are making it worse for us and them.  

Before we can even talk about needs, they want to know why you are calling yourself gay?

And they too are wrong for using social constructs such as the word straight and heterosexual to say this is how God wants things to be.

The Nashville Statement shows how Christians are still misinformed about language, culture, and even the faults in their own theology and anthropology.  They condemn Freudian words used by Side B Christians to communicate their experience yet use Freudian words to describe their own experience and say it's good. It's Holy.  

but let us not walk in their steps, and let's point out their wrongs for doing that in a constructive way.  

At the end of the day, I think these damn labels are messing everything up.  We are not keeping to the rules of language and society and we are confusing people.  

And worse, the gospel and redemption that God is doing in the lives of Side B folks are getting lost as we fight over these words.  

Fine, Christians are not going to understand us.  But even if they let you identify however you want, so what?  

What happens now?

You think they understand us now?

I hate talking about this topic because it reminds me of how uncharitable Christians are to each other.  Everyone is talking about the same shit using different words and creating tribes over this stuff.

Fine, if you want to call yourself a “GAY CELIBATE CHRISTIAN,” go ahead.  

I don't really care because I know I have to ask clarifying questions to understand where that person is coming from. I'll do that, I don't mind.

But to my Side B friends who want to call themselves “Celibate Gay Chrisitan,” don't think you have authority to say this is what all Side B Christians should call themselves.  

I've already been through enough fucked up shit in the Church, I don't need to submit myself to a word that has caused me so much pain in my life because of the experiences I have living here in California.  You don't get to say what words I need to define myself as, especially if you want to redefine words that are not in sync with the Christian tradition.  

I'm not fully Hispanic and I'm not Mexican. 

And I'm not Celibate, but I'm trying to be chaste, and I'm not gay.

I'm not lying to myself, 

I'm not deceiving myself about who I really am,

I'm not acting like I'm not a part of a sinful human family,

I'm not acting like I don't have a strong desire to have sex with men,

I'm not acting like I don't find men aesthetically attractive, 

I'm not picking sides on what Side B label I should have, 

I'm not going to disassociate myself with Celibate Gay Christians, 

I simply want the Church to be a team,

To communicate well,

To understand each other well,

To meet each other's needs,

To be a little Jesus in this dark, broken, sinful, rebellious, needy world,

To bring the good news of Jesus,  

To talk about what he conquered and how to be in his Kingdom,

I'm simply Christian.

How the 4Ts can Display the Father’s Love to our SSA Family by Jeremy Driggs

Hi, my name is Jeremy Driggs. I am a Christian, married to Lindsey Driggs for about 2 years, and I have been friends with Richard Padilla for 6 long years. The 4Ts have been foundational for my experience as a pastor, husband, friend, and son. I really believe there can be freedom, joy, and hope when these 4Ts are embodied by a local church.  I hope to be able to share some of those thoughts with you, but for now, I would like to introduce myself and offer some hope.

I grew up in the Bay Area and started following Jesus when I was 15, I spent the next 6 years following a road to pastoral ministry, serving at a church, studying theology, ultimately I found out how little I actually knew.

Click on the Picture to see more pics of Jeremy's Pastoral days over the College Ministry

By 22 I was interning at a church and on my way to a pastoral position. Before I turned 23 I was serving as a young adults pastor, again realizing how I did not even know what I did not know. While it was humbling, it was extremely grounding for me, much like being friends with someone who struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA). *Disclaimer*: these labels are simply to distinguish our Christian family’s unique experience in this life. 

Richard is a persistent guy, so he relentlessly pursued me as a friend. Note, friendship is important and should be a two-way street, but sometimes you have to humble yourself and be the pursuer for an extended season, this is what Richard resolved to be. 

IMG_8152.jpg

Before meeting Richard, I was naive to the way SSA Christians experience life within the church. I thought being SSA was a choice, so by faith and grace, God could make you not gay or SSA. I also had not met someone who was so honest with his true self; his longings, his anger, pain, selfishness, hopes, dreams. In short, Richard was a lot to handle, but luckily I just graduated college, had quite a bit of free time and had time to get to know Richard. 

That first year of our friendship we spent a lot of TIME together. This was foundational for building our friendship. We also hugged each other a lot, although Richard is a really awkward hugger. I learned to trust that my friend Richard needs TOUCH, and it is up to him, to be honest with what he can and cannot handle. Touch is an easy one for me because I grew up in an Italian family that was always physically affectionate.  Over a long period of time, we pursued TRANSPARENCY, as we shared our hearts with one another, prayed, shared our dreams and even went to the Korean Spa together. The nudity one was easy for me because I think being naked is hilarious and liberating, but I know that is not true for everyone, as this is one of the most sensitive and controversial subjects in the 4Ts. 

 Vegetables are funny to us. 🍆

Vegetables are funny to us. 🍆

Lastly, while my friendship with Richard has had its ups and downs, it has sustained itself because Richard has pursued a TEAM to surround him and hold him. A mentor of mine always taught me that every person needs a web of support so that if one strand breaks, they can still be upheld. Teamwork has kept me from throwing in the towel on my friendship with Richard because I know that I am not alone. 

 It was a great dinner when these two studs met each other.  Sith is a big support in my life.  I was glad Jeremy got to meet him.

It was a great dinner when these two studs met each other.  Sith is a big support in my life.  I was glad Jeremy got to meet him.

 My blessings in my life, friends that I can talk to about struggling with Homosexuality. 

My blessings in my life, friends that I can talk to about struggling with Homosexuality. 

My friendship with Richard has taught me how little I know about the human experience, especially with those who are SSA. While it has been a humbling and frustrating process, it has kept me close to the main things, forcing me to trust in Christ as the cornerstone. 
One thing I have learned is that as a Christian that has been invited into this New Covenant, I have a lot of liberties, but my liberties are not my cornerstone, Jesus is. I have the liberty to get married, be single, drink alcohol, dance, watch movies, make stupid jokes, have children, adopt kids, save my money, give my money away, etc.  However, I find myself often embracing the liberties I have as the source of life, instead of allowing the source of the universe to be life for me. 

 Our current living situation! It's fun! 

Our current living situation! It's fun! 

 One married couple + one single guy + one ssa guy = Christians living life together 

One married couple + one single guy + one ssa guy = Christians living life together 

When it comes to all relationships, we as Christians have liberties to be in or out of a lot of relationships. When it comes to marriage, friendship, blood family, and neighbors we can choose to pursue those things or not. However, we must all be careful to not make the pursuit of any of those relationships our central source of hope, life, and joy. Ultimately, those things become the cornerstone, instead of Jesus, because our hope is in the vibrancy of those relationships instead of in the Resurrection. 

I invite you, as we journey to walk faithfully, to ask yourself, where is my hope? Why am I so willing to sacrifice for something other than Christ? What might it look like if I embraced my hope, loosened the grip on my liberties, and looked for ways to love those around me? There is grace as we walk by faith. 

The Father is patiently waiting for us to believe that he loves us. The Father is patiently waiting for his children to walk in love with hope.

May you have HOPE where you are today.

Sometimes the relationship between our SSA family and the church can feel hopeless, complex and confusing. It may feel like our SSA family is too needy for us heterosexuals. As if the SSA followers of Jesus are the pinky toe of the body that needs to grow, but we can do without the toe.

May I ask my heterosexual family this question:

What if you are just as needy, but you have a space for those needs to be met in a “traditional” system?

What if our SSA family has the same needs but can’t satisfy them in the “traditional” way?

What if you could do something about this?

When we allow ourselves to be loved by the Father to greater depths, we may be able to offer this radical grace to those around us. Maybe the 4Ts is a pragmatic application of Jesus’ promise that the world will know we are his disciples by our love for one another. 

I want to end this post with a scripture verse that came to mind as I was writing this. 

“My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God. My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us—perfect love!”
1 John 4
(The Message)
 

Transparency: Admitting to yourself being alone won’t kill you. You may actually like it.

I’m currently in a smelly hostel wide awake at 4am in Barcelona hearing four men snoring so why not write on my iPhone?


In about 2 days I’m going to start a walk called the Camino de Santiago. Which is a 500 mile walk throughout Spain! I found out about this as I was doing some research for the 4TS and googling friendships!

I ran into a story about two best friends who did the walk. One man has a disease similar to ALS and asked his best bud if he would want to do the walk with him and his best bud said, 

“I’ll push you.”

And he pushed him the whole 500 miles in a wheel chair.

Doing an event like this with a friend or more importantly with a “best friend” would have meant the world to me.

It’s something I long for.

Something I dream about.

But that’s not what I get to experience. In fact, the longing for a best friend or loss of a best friend is something I have been trying to let go of or wish didn’t exist in my life.

But as I’ve been preparing for this trip I read something about the Camino that someone wrote that I haven’t forgotten.

It said

“Don’t be afraid to do the Camino alone, and don’t be afraid to like it.”

And it’s the last part that has been getting to me.

“....Don’t be afraid to like it.”

And the truth is, I’m happy I’m doing this alone. But I don’t want to tell myself I like it because I feel like I will lose!

I will lose the battle I have against the Church for better community!

I will lose the battle against the Church for friendship to be more valuable.

I will lose the battle against the Church that I can’t always be “alone with God.”

I will lose the battle against the Church that I wasn’t made to be alone with God.

I will lose the battle against my friends that I feel have screwed me in the past.

I will lose the battle against my own thoughts that if I do things alone I will die a slow lonely death.

If I like this I’m afraid that means I can still keep living life and find fulfillment not getting what I want.

And worse of all, if I like it, that means struggling with homosexuality doesn’t mean it’s a struggle that feels like a lonely death everyday.

Instead liking this will be a submission to a death that leads to resurrection.

Christians who struggle with homosexuality have a fear of being and dying alone.

But the reality is, everyone dies alone. It is the one thing that we all do alone.

Sometimes I wonder if we try to run from this truth.

A truth that has been going on since the beginning of humanity.

We run to love to get away from this.

Most humans long for a companion. Even today I was talking to a 26 year old Argentinian who also came to Barcelona alone and visited the sights, he said he didn’t talk to anyone for 8 hours and he needs to celebrate the beauty of Barcelona with someone and he didn’t have anyone.

Now today we are going to tour Barcelona together.

Being alone and doing things without my friends or a best friend sounds like the end of the world to me.

As most of my guy friends had a dream and longing to be married and the Church being the best place for this to happen....

I, with some same sex attraction, struggling with homosexuality, masculine identity problems, and the longing for great friendship, wanted to go on adventures with my friends and right now the Church seems to sometimes be the last place for this, not always though. Things are slowly changing, especially with more and more singles being a part of the Church.

But this new found idea of “liking” things I do alone is scary to me.

And let’s start with my death. I wonder if I should like it since it is the door to resurrection.

The door to being like my King.

My God.

Dying to my fears opens up doors.

Doors that lead to more discipleship and friendships.

Doors that lead to knowing God more which is scary.

Doors that lead to more responsibilities and knowledge.

Doors that lead to sacrifice, risk, and thrills.

As a church kid I was never taught to do things alone. I was actually taught I would get married one day and fulfill God’s will for my life.

Even at biola I had to hear so many men and women explain to me that the way life works is that God puts two people together (usually a husband and wife) and sends them out for mission.

Boy was that bullshit.

I’m learning more than ever that God is bound by no human idea and seems to be bound by his own pursuit of beauty and wildness.

He isn’t the husband that wants the American life and comfortable career.

He is the husband that married a whore.

The God that became a man.

The God that became a human king.

The God that debates with humans.

The God that speaks without sounds and holds without hands.

The Father that opened his house to everyone who wants in.

I’m learning that God isn’t afraid to get risky and adventurous.

But I am.

And liking the Camino as I do it alone feels like I’m giving in to the ways of God.

It doesn’t mean that community isn’t important. Actually the Camino is all about community.

It doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t important, which I know many feel like I disregard just because I lower its value in the church.

It doesn’t mean I don’t need friendship, which I actually do because I would not be a Christian without my friends.

Right now it seems liking the Camino as I do it alone Might mean that I need to not find comfort  in what I want for my life (a best friend, or “the one”) but find comfort that in any circumstance,

especially the circumstance of death and loneliness, the most scary of circumstances,

God has already walked that part of the road before me and he is waiting for me on the other side.

He doesn’t want me to find comfort in having a companion the way evangelicals read the genesis account.

He doesn’t want me to be “truly loved and known” the way the gay community and evangelical community teach marriage apparently accomplishes.

Actually since I have been getting older, I’m Realizing  most married folks don’t know their partners fully. And that is okay.

If anything, God wants me to find comfort in his great commission!

“Go to all the world and preach the gospel.”

“Make disciples.” (Not nuclear families, he didn’t say that. Like Jesus didn’t say to all his followers, “you all need to get married,” like he didn’t say that at all. He didn’t say we all deserve to get married and date. I’m exhausted hearing the gay community and evangelical community tell me we all deserve “true love.” The true love that marriage offers. They are trying to sell me an idol and I’m trying to call “bullshit” on that one.

Making disciples is a rough teaching when you think about it.

That means Jesus made a point of reference for a christians life whenever a Christian is trying to figure out their purpose in life.

God’s Kingdom come, his will be done.

And the beauty of following Jesus’ great want for his followers to accomplish is that we don’t really walk alone in life.

Making disciples, spending time with people that don’t know the gospel, inviting them into your life, into your Netflix chill nights, your vacations, your pains and suffering,

all that means is that you get more friends and more ways of being known and more ways for humans to know their king.

Well, I have 500 miles of walking ahead of me.

Actually, before that. A 6 hour bus ride, than a two hour bus ride. Then 2 days, then I’ll walk.

And the first lesson or two I’ve learned is.

“Don’t be afraid to do things alone.”

“And don’t be afraid to like it.”

IMAGE.JPG

Teamwork: Pastors, Let's talk about married male church members having affairs with other men using Grindr.

My generation is extremely comfortable with gay men and women. Christian teenagers are easily convinced that being gay is natural and that God made them that way.  Being gay is nothing new anymore.  There is gay and straight and life goes on.  

A Christian young adult that decides to embrace their desire to have a same-sex relationship decides by the age of 22 -24, sometimes sooner.  They usually don’t get involved in a traditional marriage because they realize it doesn’t fit their sexual preference or orientation. 

But for the older generation, I would say 45 years and older, there are some major issues taking place now and days.  

Many men are having secret affairs with other men.  

And many are using one specific app, Grindr.  

According to research in 2017 by Quantcast (A company that does research on apps), it reveals the most searched dating app In Every U.S. State.  

“Grindr performed well in coastal states. The gay dating app ruled California and Maine, but also proved popular in states that are traditionally less LGBT-friendly. Grindr was also the most searched service in Nevada, Missouri, and Mississippi."

Grindr has 27 million registered users with 30% of them from the United States.

That leaves about 8 to 9 million users in the US. 

If you simply download the app, you will see many men that describe themselves as married that are DL.  

DL meaning secret, down low. They can be married, or not out yet.  

Many of these men have children, full-time jobs, they are lawyers, police officers, pastors, judges, youth leaders, etc.  

I receive many many emails and facebook messages from older men that have lost their families and careers because they got caught hooking up with another man from Grindr or craigslist. 

There is one common thing that all these men have in common. 

They all long for male intimacy.  

They love their wives and children, but they also long for male intimacy.  

And they are not getting it from their current lives so they try to find it in a community that is supposedly all about male intimacy, the gay community.  

But let’s put this topic on hold for a second and go for a detour.

There is a book called "The Buddy System, Understanding Male Friendships," written by a professor of sociology names Geoffrey L. Greif.

This book goes through the life stages of the modern American male. 

Males have close buddies as children, teenagers, college students, young adults, then when they get married everything changes. 

They lose it all. 

They move away from friends and family for a job, their marriage, they start the American dream.  They have children and now all life is about their wife and children with none of their male needs for same-sex friendship being filled. Many of these men get depressed, suicidal, they feel lonely, etc. 

Another book that supports this epidemic, is the book Tribe written by Sebastian Junger.

He writes about the unity that takes place in communities that experience war and trauma.  

But he also states many men are going through great periods of loneliness because they are not connected to their male peers the way men should be connected. He gives stories after stories and research findings of PTSD and sexual abuse that men go through and how it is connected to men not getting the community they need.

My male generation has been given the tools and resources to reach out for help and live a gay or straight life if we want.

The older male generation, with all their shit they have been through, still played the part of the nuclear husband and father and denied their same-sex intimacy needs they have.  

Now, many of them are trying to find ways to meet those needs.  And sadly, not all are going to the church for those needs. 

Why? 

Well, the church right now doesn’t represent the safest place to express feelings because the Church is quite concerned with truth and holiness and somehow the Church seems to be a culture where everyone needs to be perfect, married, and happy. 

Not all church, but most! 

Older men were raised in the time period where they were not allowed to express their feelings, insecurities, etc.  

They were told being gay is the worse thing in the world as a man.  Gay men were faggots, sodomites, the lowest of the low on the spectrum of masculinity. 

Men need to be tough, married, have a good job, successful, church leaders, small group leaders, etc. 

The church became a place of perfection. 

But older men were not taught how to express the needs in their life or are too afraid to or just don’t even know how to put their needs into words so they do what feels so natural,

they turn to sexuality.  

They turn to the most pleasurable experience that sometimes makes us feel comfort, safety, power, and being known.

Especially being known.  

Some men start hooking up with women to deal with their stress and wanting to get away from the stresses of life and other men started going to men to deal with the stress of life and the want to get their same-sex needs met. 

Since male friendship aren't important in the Church right now, men who need same-sex friendships are going to a place where it's only filled with males,

Grindr.  

So, pastors, church leaders, priest, we need to fix this.  We need to step into this dark world of men hooking up with each other just to get their needs met and bring them into our homes, our hobbies, our vacations, our freedom.  

Let’s start talking about this over the pulpit, podcast, men’s retreats, men’s conferences, etc. 

Some of you guys reading this won’t believe half of what I am saying in this post, and that makes total sense to me.  

But do your own research, download Grindr and start talking to the multiple men using it that are married who are hurting and trying to find a quick feel-good moment because they are in pain trying to feel loved at the same time by other males.  

Humans are sinful, broken, messed up.

And Jesus comes into this place and breaks us even more so we can be healed properly.  

When you encounter men doing this, shit is going to get real, but it needs too so these men can be saved from the clutches of darkness. 

Some men will still lose their marriages,

their jobs, 

their long-term dreams,

friends,

maybe have to go to another church, 

but this stuff is all temporary, painful, but temporary.

God still has a purpose for them, he wants to love them and have us love them.

He will make a new home for them.  He wants to give them a new community of men to be loved by. 

He wants the Church to be better than Grindr. 

And it is.  

We can give them better intimacy than an orgasm can.  

We can go camping, watch movies, travel, share the same bed, give them hugs, work out, have coffee dates, worship God together, we can know them and they know us.  We can tell them we love them, they are important to us, and now and days we can say,

"Hey, I like you.  You are a cool guy. Let's keep hanging out. You mean a lot to me."

We can do what Jesus does, 

We can love them the way Christ loves the Church.  

What the Ex-Gay movement and Exodus International forgot to talk about - Beauty

What the Ex-gay movement and Exodus International did wrong, and what the Christian Church can do right! 

When I was 6 years old I remember thinking, “I like that boy.” 

When I was 9 years old I remember thinking, “That boy is cute, I want to see his private.”

When I was 12 years old I remember thinking, “I struggle with homosexuality.”

When I was 16 years old I was reading about Exodus International and Ex-gays.

When I was 17, I understood I would struggle with homosexuality for the rest of my life, THAT WHO I AM IS SINFUL and I needed the healing, redeeming, purifying love, grace, and discipline of the Holy Spirit and I was okay with that, and I wanted to follow a teaching from the Apostle James. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail."

As a 17-year-old, without any Biblical education, hopefully, I have at least some now, I thought, “Oh, I need to talk to my friends about my struggles.” 

And I did just that.

And it’s been an okay process. Ups and downs.  I just thought I had a sinful nature just like everyone else. I would find my friends attractive at times and I would talk about it with them and process it with them and just live life with them.  

Be Christian brothers.

Little did I know other Christians that struggled with homosexuality had a whole other agenda. 

They wanted to be straight.  They wanted to be heterosexual.  They wanted to be attracted to women.  

They were going through reparative therapy to go through healing, learning, and eventually waited to be attracted to women or men.  

Exodus International was the biggest “Ex-gay” ministry that was out there.  

I first heard about Exodus when I was 18 at Biola.  

I first loved the ministry and I sought out principles that I was learning from reparative therapy advocates.  I read Dr. Nicolosi’s work, Richard Cohen’s work, and listened to hours of lectures and testimonies of men explaining their process of reparative therapy.  

I related to a lot of their stories.  

But there was one thing I had tension with early on in my findings.  

There was this eager desire to become straight. To be attracted to women. 

I think a lot of reparative therapy and ex-gay theories are actually good. 

And I think the goodness has been lost in the messy narrative its been included in when politics and theology debates are leading the charge on this topic. 

For those that really know what reparative therapy is, I would say here are the good points, 

1.  Let’s talk about our upbringing and hurts and pains that took place in regards to our own existence as a male or female.  
2. Let’s talk about attachments in our lives.  Are they healthy or good?
3. Let’s talk about your own perception of your gender qualities. (that’s right, I believe in only 2 genders and that there is a healthy way to express those in a certain culture)
4. Let's address the hurts and pains with people that have harmed our existence.
5. Let's work on healthy attachments with parents or those that were in authority in your childhood. 
6. Let's work on building confidence in our own gender insecurities.

I think I can keep listing a lot, and I would argue, all these points are really good for any human to go through.  

What lost my interest was this passion or urgency to get rid of same-sex attraction and be opposite-sex attracted.

The Christian theological premise that God made men and women to be attracted (spiritually, emotionally, and physically,) to each other I can accept.  Especially the physical part.  There is a sexual and aesthetic attraction men and women have for each other. 

But there was never a Christian theological premise that men and women cannot be attracted to their own biological sex or find beauty in them.

And this is where things get messy.

Same-sex attraction isn’t all sinful.  This is where the aesthetic and sexual attraction needs to be distinguished and talked about. 

Brad Pitt? Hawt or not? Most say Hawt.  Doesn’t mean sexual.

I think Michael Fassbender is good looking.  Does that mean I want to have sex with him?  Actually, sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t.  Depends how far I let my mind wander.

Cameron Diaz, I think she is hawt and I don’t care how old she is.  

Women are allowed to comment on the beauty of men and women. 

But men are not. 

All that to say, what has been lost in the Evangelical conversation about this issue is the topic of beauty.

God made beauty.  

And we are allowed to be attracted to it.

Now, we need to learn how to process that attraction as we are being redeemed.  

When I was following Exodus International and ministries like the Gay Christian Network, all I kept hearing was debating about did God make people gay or not. And if God did, we don’t need to change that because God made us like that. Luckily Justin Lee denounced that idea at a seminar I went to where he and Wesely Hill chatted with each other.  

But a big focus, and it is still a focus today, is the topic of orientation.  
There is an idea that what we are oriented to sexually means we are allowed to pursue that.  

But even more intriguing to me is the idea that we can't accept our fallenness and our same-sex attraction. Even in Alan Chamber's apology letter after exodus closed down, he mentions that he never admitted to others that for years he still had same-sex attraction because during this time same-sex attraction was only considered sinful.  And they didn't distinguish between the godly intimacy desired in same-sex attraction and lust in same-sex attraction. 

And Exodus International seemed to be all about “change.”  But to be fair to Exodus International, it was treated unfairly and so was Alan Chambers.  Exodus at the end of its days wasn’t all about reparative therapy.  

But many many, now Side A Christians, blamed Exodus for telling them they can be straight if they go through the process of reparative therapy.

But what I heard as an 18-year old was....

“How can we not be attracted to Beauty anymore?”

“How can we get rid of the fact that men and women are attractive?”

Exodus was focusing on childhood trauma, which isn’t bad.  But got lost in the truth that as God is redeeming us, we need to learn how to process his beauty the way he wants us to.

What does that mean?

Well, it means as a man who finds other men beautiful, I need to make sure I distinguish between my want to experience intimacy with this beauty and lust with this beauty. 

I need to search my heart and see the sin in my life, despite whatever childhood trauma I have experienced, and lack of attachments I may have and experience the Holy Spirit's guidance as we get to experience the goodness of the Kingdom.  

And the means experiencing the Church! 

Experiencing Friendships! 

Experiencing the goodness and beauty of touch.  

Experience the goodness and beauty of healthy emotional dependency and affirmation from our same-sex friends.

Telling each other, “I love you.”  “You mean a lot to me.” “Let’s make some friendship vows.” 

Crying with each other.  Celebrating life events with each other.  

Let’s Experience the goodness and beauty of each other’s bodies.  Let’s go camping, hiking, traveling together.  Let’s sleep in the same bed with each other.  Let’s go to the gym together.  Let’s sit close to each other, arm and arm, leg and leg, and Chill and watch Netflix. Let’s hit the locker room together, communal showers, spas, etc.  There are many ways to experience the goodness and beauty of each other’s bodies besides sex.  

Sex is good, but right now it is an idol in the church and I’m over it. 

Let’s experience the goodness and beauty of community. 

Let’s live together, vacation together, have each other over for dinner.  

Let’s sacrifice our American dream and nuclear family so the Kingdom of God can start invading the lives of people in our communities. 

When I heard that men and women were trying to become straight,  I thought that was silly. 

When I hear Side A Christian men, blame Alan Chambers and Exodus international for “damage they have done.”  I think it is silly.  

One of the number one principles in the world of Psychology is that were are responsible for our choices.

Most Side A Christians became side A because they couldn’t “Change.” 

 But why would anyone want to change their attraction to beauty? 

Maybe it was the fault of the Church and Exodus international because they didn’t address the topic of beauty. 

I receive a lot of pushback about the 4TS because I challenge people to embrace the environments they belong to such as the locker room.

God doesn’t get rid of beauty when it is stained, he redeems it.  He purifies it.  He sanctifies it.  

God doesn’t want you to turn your existence away from what you should be experiencing if that is what you should be experiencing.  

A husband to a wife, a wife to a husband, a friend to a friend, a Christian to a church, an artist to a painting, a chief to food, a human to nature, a man to challenge, a woman to motherhood, women to business, etc.

God tells us to resist sin.  Resist what doesn’t belong to us.  

But he never tells us to change our attraction. To change our belonging.  

He doesn’t say, “You don’t belong to the locker room.”  “You don’t belong to communal showers.  “You don’t belong to deep same-sex intimacy.”  “You don’t belong to a community.”  
“You can’t see your same-sex friends naked.” 

What he says is to pursue all that is good, righteous and loving. 

Let your mind be renewed and changed into his perfect will, which is to love Him and others. 

Too many Christians buy into the lie they can't learn to control their thoughts.  This isn't the Christian message of sanctification. Sanctification calls us to confront our sins, our lustful attractions. And that is dealt with differently for different sins and different time periods in the life of a Christian.  

And this is what the Christian Church can do.  

Let’s pursue goodness, truth, love, and now let’s pursue

same-sex beauty.  

This isn’t something we need to change.  

We don’t need to be like the Side A Christians who tried to change their attraction to beauty.  

and let's not be like Exodus International and its related ministries that tried to avoid the sin of homosexual desires so much that it becomes gnostic in its pursuit of holiness.

Let’s be Children of God that are being redeemed and being shown how to have proper desires and experiences of all beauty. 

It paid off to live in the dorms and see so many friends naked and their penis’.  I was taught to not sexualize them and see them as my bothers.  

I was being sanctified and being taught how to see beauty the right way.  

“On Community” By Kolby Atchison

A community is a basic human need, I would argue. Every emotionally healthy person I know is part of one (or two or three) and receives indispensable nourishment from the experience. By joining hands with like-minded men and women, social goods of friendship, acceptance, and belonging are unlocked, and the result is nothing less than a refuge from an otherwise lonely and estranged life.

Unfortunately, not everyone receives these life-giving benefits of belonging to a community. In fact, I suspect that many do not. Despite modernity’s lofty promises to lead us to a better world through faith in reason and the inevitably of human progress, it seems that one aspect of progress modernity could not ultimately secure is the experience of true and healthy intimacy. While advances in technology have provided us with a variety of novel ways to connect to one another, through social media, for example, these means leave us frequently thirsting for more. We are more connected to each other than ever, it would seem, and yet we cannot escape the sneaking suspicion that the gap of isolation continues to widen.

This desperate need for community applies to everyone, including those men and women who experience sexual attraction to their own sex. Century after century, our world has not known what to do these with these people and, sadly, this uncertainty has engendered programs of persecution, alienation, and marginalization. These men and women were labeled as aberrations to the norm, dangerous to society, and therefore, to be avoided at all costs. This despicable treatment of human beings endowed with the image of God requires, first of all, heartfelt lament, and subsequently, genuine repentance. Reparation must be made: our only hope is to trust that God will forgive us through His gracious work in Christ, and permit us the opportunity to correct our wrongdoing. In other words, to do justice in the land.

But how can justice be done and in what sense is this related to the idea of community? As the family of God and the torchbearers of His kingdom, it falls to the church to lead the way in welcoming these men and women back into society. If Christians are going to remain committed to an orthodox view of marriage and sexuality, which they must if they are going to remain at all, then they need to open the doors to their homes and let those with same-sex attraction in. They must vigilantly care for their marriages and families in order to use them to be a blessing and bastion of a community to those who may never make the vow of matrimony. They must look beyond the noses of themselves and, indeed, the noses of their immediate family members, in order to look on with the compassion to the needs of those attracted to the same sex. 

As the clock keeps ticking, the universe keeps expanding, and our world keeps marching further along into the uncertainties of the modern age, the church must lead the way in practically caring for these men and women. While the Age of Faith is behind us, and quickly with it, the Age of Reason, the Age of Feeling simply cannot carry this burden for long. Feeling is too transient, too immediate, too flimsy. It may empower the LGBT community to temporarily fulfill their own self-prescribed needs and desires, but it will not only ultimately fulfill them. It was not intended to. Rather, the church must show these men and women with same-sex attraction that a spirit-saturated, Christ-led community of Touch, Time, Teamwork, and Transparency is waiting for them just as the Father waits and prepares a place for the church.  

My Mormon Brothers, lets talk about your members who struggle with Homosexuality.

To my Mormon Brothers, Let’s talk about your same-sex attraction and your theology of marriage.  

A couple of years ago I took an EMT course and became friends with someone that grew up Mormon.  I remember when I walked into the class, heard the instructor say we needed to find a study partner, I looked around and saw a good-looking guy there and told myself, “I want to be study partners with that guy.”  

He eventually moved in with me and my Biola buddies and we had hours upon hours discussing the differences between Mormonism and what I will call Traditional Christianity.  There was a very interesting observation I saw with my buddy who was Mormon, he starting reading Christian Trinitarian authors' books about marriage and was thrilled to find out we don’t believe a Christian needs to be married to enter into Heaven to live with Jesus and the Father, and I will add, The Holy Spirit. 

4 years later, we are still friends. 

I got to learn from him about Mormonism and he got to learn from me about how we nonmormons see Jesus Christ and Marriage. 

At the end of the day, Mormons see Jesus differently than how historical Christianity says he should be seen.
 
But I’m not going to get into that.  

And I want to apologize for how Christians, especially evangelicals, have treated you guys.  My evangelical family is very passionate, but also very arrogant in their portrayal of how they see the truth about doctrines.  We do have fundamental differences, but those differences should be communicated with much more grace and time with each other. 

Sorry for being rude to you guys and acting like jerks. 

Please forgive us.

What I want to address and what I am very passionate about is the fact that many members of the LDS Church struggle with homosexuality.  

And your Theology of marriage is hurting them. 

It is forcing them to enter into marriage covenants for the sake of entering into the highest Heaven.  

Of what I know, the Celestial Kingdom is the highest of the three kingdoms of heaven in Mormon Doctrine.  The other two kingdoms are the Terrestrial and Telestial. In the Celestial Kingdom, the righteous will live with God and Jesus Christ. 

In the Celestial Kingdom, the glory a Mormon receives is broken down into three levels.  In order to attain the highest degree of glory, there are many requirements. 

1.  A Mormon must have a testimony of Jesus Christ.
2. Be baptized by a person with the proper priesthood authority. 
3. Keep the commandments. 
4. Receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. 
5. Overcome temptation and worldly things through faith. 
6. Become perfected through the atonement of Christ. 

But the most important one, which is what I want to address, is this belief, 

If a person wants to receive the highest glory in the Celestial Kingdom, that person needs to be in an eternal marriage. 

The Doctrine of the Covenants explains that marriage is the highest order of the priesthood and that eternal marriage is also referred to as New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage.  Families live together in the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Heaven. 

And I have a pickle with this belief! 

and I am talking to the Mormon Church leaders here.

Why?

Well, part of the Christian tradition, which you guys say you are a part of, says that you don’t have to be married.  

Jesus says when we live with him in paradise we will be like the angels in Heaven who are not married.  

The apostle Paul also spoke about this and encouraged his Church members to not be married so they can do more for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus.  

And so to the LDS Church leaders, why are you teaching something that goes against the teaching of Jesus and the Apostles?  

And do you not see that your LDS members who are attracted to the same sex are going to have a hard time getting married because they don’t always relate to the heteronormative standards that Mormonism places on its members? 

This is really hard stuff. 

How would it feel if you felt pressured to marry someone of the same sex because your community says that needs to happen to be valued and to enter into the highest of Heaven's glory? 

That would suck, wouldn't it?

 Mormons who struggle with homosexuality and your singles have a lot of pressure on them to enter into a relationship that might not work out for them. That actually might be unhealthy for them. 

They may need their human relational needs met in a different way than what Joseph Smith and your Church leaders teach.  

I have quite a few Mormon Followers following the 4TS and the Church, not because of my Trinitarian beliefs, but because they are trying to figure out how to experience godly, holy, same-sex intimacy outside the behemoth in your religion called Marriage and want to experience healthy platonic intimacy in friendship.

Friendship is also eternal.  Jesus and his apostles taught that it was eternal.  

You see, The LDS Church has also made marriage an idol just like my evangelical friends have done.  

Although my evangelical friends don’t believe marriage is eternal, they sure do act like it is.  

And this is what you guys have in common, the evangelical church and the Mormon Church is so focused on marriage that it forgot to take care of its members that struggle with homosexuality.

It forgets to meet the needs of those that Jesus calls his own.  

It forgets to meet the needs of those that are baptized in his name.  

It forgets to meet the needs of those that are pursuing righteousness and holiness.

It forgets to meet the needs of those that have received the Gift of the Holy Spirit.

It forgets to walk alongside those that really want to follow Jesus.  

I think the fact the Mormon Church is what basically paid for Prop 8 to be one of the most debated laws in the U.S. shows that it cares more about the definition of marriage in a political sense and doesn’t care about the laws of Jesus regarding loving those within his church.  

Many Evangelical Christians and Mormons who struggle with homosexuality leave our churches to get these deep platonic needs met because our churches are not offering to them the relational needs they need to be a human.  

The 4TS is one way to meet their needs. 

Please, start talking about how you can give your Mormon brothers and sisters touch.  Healthy platonic intimate touch.  Touch goes a long way for every human.  Sex isn't the only way to experience loving accepting touch.  

Please, start talking about how you spend your time with your Church members.  If they are valuable to Christ, then they should be valuable to you! Jesus once said, “His brothers and sisters are those that do the Father’s will.”

Please, start talking about healthy ways of transparency and vulnerability.  Talk about the body, what does it mean to be attracted to the same sex and what does it mean to lust after the same sex.  How can you guys be more emotionally connected with each other in friendships?  A transparent connection is very important to someone who struggles with homosexuality.  

and lastly, be the CHURCH! Establish Teamwork.  Start inviting your singles in your Church over for dinners and family vacations.  If you believe that family will be eternal, then there is no reason why you can’t spend some earthly time with those that are single or struggle with homosexuality. You have eternity to be with your family, at least help your members who may feel lonely by including them into your circle of love that God has given you.  Value Church community over family.  I am not saying that family isn’t important, but what I am challenging is the priority of a follower of Jesus. The Church and its members are just as important as your immediate family.  

Jesus wanted his Church to be the relationship that his followers would get their needs met, 
Why? because it is through his Church that he actively works on earth. 

So, to the LDS Leaders, you have members that struggle with homosexuality.  Start talking about it.  Start asking God to show you how to love those that struggle with this in real practical ways.  Don’t assume marriage will solve all the issues and help you guys not have to deal with this. 

Sometimes I feel like my evangelical family does that to me.  

Don’t be like them.  

Follow Jesus, he is your savior, teacher, and God.

Why not teach what he taught?

"Love your neighbors as you love yourself."  

The Day My World Got Bigger - By Kolby Atchison

My name is Kolby, I’m a 27-year-old married man, and I’m on board with the mission of the 4T’S: to help the church practically love men with same-sex attraction in the 21 st century. Once in a while, I plan to write on this site to offer my perspective, not as someone who struggles with SSA, but as a friend of those who do. In my friendship with Richard over the past several years, it has become more and more apparent to me that those followers of Jesus who courageously strive to live according to what the Bible teaches on sexuality, but find themselves attracted to the same-sex, need fellow believers to come alongside them and openly support them. It is my hope and desire to be one of these supporters and, more importantly, friends.

 Chilling out in Chicago when it was about 12 degrees.

Chilling out in Chicago when it was about 12 degrees.

 Eating some great Chicago deep dish pizza.

Eating some great Chicago deep dish pizza.

In this blog, I’m going to take a walk down memory lane as I recall the moment I discovered that my new friend Richard was same-sex attracted. I was nineteen and a sophomore at a Christian college in southern California. I had grown up in a strong evangelical Christian home where I was raised that sex was a gift from God that came with one key perimeter: it was reserved for marriage between one man and one woman. This perimeter was admittedly fine by me as I had only ever experienced attraction toward the opposite sex and, as a believer in Christ, I was committed to saving myself for marriage.

In high school, I didn’t have any gay friends (that I knew of) or Christian friends that claimed to struggle with same-sex attraction. All I basically thought I knew about “homosexuals” was that they were human beings who needed the gospel like everyone else…and perhaps an introductory lesson on biblical ethics. I honestly didn’t consider them worse sinners than anyone else but that was probably because of a deeper problem: I didn’t consider them at all.

Within the first two months of college, I had made a good group of friends, one of them being a particularly enthusiastic guy named Richard. Richard was a ton of fun to be around—he was smart, funny, opinionated, and competitive. His passion for the gospel, heart for ministry, and enthusiasm for life in general was exhilarating and we hit it off as friends immediately.

 That game you play with salt and sugar at a Denny's when you're 18 and 20 years old.

That game you play with salt and sugar at a Denny's when you're 18 and 20 years old.

After a year and a couple months of being friends, I remember one fall evening my sophomore year when Richard approached me and asked if we could talk. We went on a short walk and as we did, he went on to tell me something that no one had ever told me before: he, Richard, was sexually attracted to guys. At first, I was taken back. We were alone on our night walk and I wasn’t sure what would happen next. I had grown up hearing about people who had this attraction, but I had never met anyone personally who did. Admittedly, I was pretty cautious at first. Questions began to reverberate in my mind:

Was Richard attracted to me?

What would he do next?

Was he going to try anything?

I’m ashamed to admit that I had these concerns in the first few seconds of hearing the news, but fortunately, I recovered quickly.

Richard continued to talk, sharing about his life, including some abuse he had gone through, and explained more about the struggle. The whole time I listened silently, taking everything in and trying to process it as best I could.  After just a few minutes, it dawned on me that although I learned something new and important about Richard, he was the same Richard standing in front of me. I didn’t view him as lesser, weird, or someone I didn’t want to be friends with. On the contrary, I felt that I now knew Richard on a deeper level and that our friendship had become that much stronger.

That evening my world got bigger, my views on homosexuality became nuanced, and my appreciation of Richard grew. Having learned that Richard didn’t choose to have these feelings of attraction, but simply found himself with them, I experienced compassion and empathy for what my friend had to battle on a daily basis.

After our conversation, Richard and I went in for a hug. This was the true test. For the first time in my life, I was knowingly embracing a man with same-sex attraction. It was a formative moment for me. At first, the thought hit me that I could potentially be putting him in a tempting situation, but this thought was immediately supplanted by a stronger one:

Richard is my friend and I trust him.

I want to keep being his friend. I had nothing to fear and so much to gain. Richard had been a great friend to me my freshman year and this new information about him couldn’t change that.

As we finished up the hug (it was a good one), we walked back to our dorm and parted ways for the night. Little did I know, this night would be a pivotal moment in our friendship—and for my life. It was that night that my world truly got bigger and my understanding of the mission of the church expanded.

 When we went on vacation together to Zion National Park and climbed Angels Landing.  The fun lady in the pic is Kolby's wife Bethany and the other dude is Tyler, Bethany's brother. 

When we went on vacation together to Zion National Park and climbed Angels Landing.  The fun lady in the pic is Kolby's wife Bethany and the other dude is Tyler, Bethany's brother. 

 This happened 5 minutes after Kolby told me if I wanted to switch with him.

This happened 5 minutes after Kolby told me if I wanted to switch with him.

Eight years later, Richard and I are still great friends and I have seen first hand how touch, time,
transparency, and teamwork can provide greatly needed intimacy for SSA men in the church…the sort of intimacy Christ talks about in John 15 when he tells his disciples that they are no longer his servants, but his brothers.

I, as a straight man in the church, am so excited about the exciting work the 4T’S is doing today and look forward in anticipation to see how it continues to gain ground in the future.

Part 1. When Struggling with Homosexuality ruins your friendships.

Christians who struggle with homosexuality know how this story unfolds.  I have heard it countless times. Even from men I look up to like Henri Nouwen, Tim Timmerman, and Wesley Hill.  

We long for deep connection to our brothers.

Belonging.

Oneness.

We feel as we are walking the dark hallways of a hospital because we are broken like everyone else looking for belonging. We pass by rooms looking through glass windows and we see rooms filled with family, laughter, pain, attachment, best friends, marriages, children etc.  

We then ask ourselves,

“Do we belong anywhere? Does someone get us? Does someone want us?”

Then randomly, a Christian brother walks into our lives and connects with us.  Attaches to us.  
Hangs out with us.  Loves us. Likes us.  Includes us.

He gives us TOUCH. Long hugs, shares a bed, nut taps you occasionally, places his arm around you as you sit on a couch together.

He gives us TIME. Watches movies with us, goes camping,  he lives with you. You guys are roommates.  You get some pillow talk.

He Gives us TRANSPARENCY.  He shares his life with you, talks to you about the girls he likes, his sin struggles, he changes in front of you and doesn’t care, he trust you, he makes you go skinny dipping with him.  He trusts you even after you tell him you have an attraction towards him.

He gives us TEAMWORK. He plays ultimate frisbee with you, soccer with you, he does Christian community with you.  He defends you, he supports you.  He calls you his best friend.  He includes you in his gang of close brothers.

He pursues us.  We love it.  We look forward to this.  We get excited when he calls or text us and says, “Hey buddy, let's do something!”

He doesn’t care that we are attracted to him.  He knows the complexity of our struggle. He feels it with us.  He asks us questions.  He wants to know what struggling with homosexuality is about.  

We ask him questions.  We want to know how the straight guy world is and how we can participate in it.

He offers the warm safe security we felt when we were 5 years old sleeping between our parents.

We cling to this friend and become joyful, loyal, we grow in our faith, we grow into a more healthy person. We learn from him about masculinity.  We learn how to be a man.  We are included in the locker room.

We start to become our own man.

Henri Nouwen describes this friendship like this,

“….Among my many friends, one had been able to touch me in way I had never been touched before.  Our friendship encouraged me to allow myself to be loved and cared for with greater trust and confidence.  ….it brought me immense joy and peace. It seemed as if a door of my interior life had been opened, a door that had remained locked during my youth and most of my adult life.”

Wesley Hill describes it like this.

“……my friend and I had become especially close.  We liked each other from the time of our first meeting, and our friendship had deepened through many evenings, spent talking late into the night.  I HAVE NEVER HAD A FRIEND WHO LOVED ME SO DEEPLY, OR WHOM IVE LOVED SO MUCH,…..my good lock to be loved like this.

OR

we can become unhealthy.

We become like a parasite that can only survive with him.  We get mad when he doesn’t hangout with us.  We get super jealous when he hangs out with others. We wonder why he won’t move in with us, why he won’t have coffee with us or watch a movie.  

and the worse

When he starts dating……..the gates of hell open up.

This is when our brothers stick it out with us

or

they walk out.

And this is when it gets super tricky.  A loss of one of these friendships devastates us. Makes us question our existence.  Not all the time it is because we are unhealthy, but our friends, the ones we thought would be there for us for life, walks away for whatever reasons they have, Good or bad, and it is pure eternal agony.

Henri Nouwen describes his experience like this,

“What happened?  I had come face to face with my own nothingness.  It was as if all that had given my life meaning was pulled away and I could see nothing in front of me but a bottomless abyss…..the enormous space that had been opened for me could not be filled by the one who had opened it.  I became possessive, needy, and dependent, and when the friendship finally had to be interrupted, I fell apart. I felt abandoned, rejected, and betrayed.”

Wesley Hill described is experience like this, (this is when he realized he wasn’t going to be close to his best friend anymore after he started dating this girl)

“ I was unprepared for what happened next.  My hands were shaking as I placed the phone on the desk.  And the tears came almost immediately.  I knelt down and folded my knees under my stomach.  Gripping the side of the bed, I sobbed.  My eyes stung, I cried so much….The next day I stepped into the shower.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I covered my face with my hands, feeling the hot water cascading over my fingers, seeping in with the tears.”

Tim Timmerman said this,

“I had a conversation with a friend who was like a brother to me that would split my life open as if with a hatchet…..the dearest friend in my life would begin putting an end to a brotherhood that literally had saved my life and that I had staked my life upon.  When the conversation was over, we walked back down the trail along the craggy edge of the mountain with an uncomfortable silence.  At the time all I could think of was how the stones down below would feel if I jumped and threw my body upon them.”

When we lose this friend, this friend that means so much to us,

life doesn’t seem worth it anymore.  

Christians don't understand that 75% of struggling with homosexuality is just a very deep same-sex connection.  Attachment.  Inclusion.

TEAMWORK.

 This longing in us doesn't go away.  It is our best friend.  It is our eyesight. Our ears. Our skin.  

It is our hearts.

And it doesn't plan on leaving us anytime soon.

But the New Covenant has room for this type of expression within the Church and within friendship.

But we are not there for many reasons.

And it is painful to walk with this everywhere we go.

We ask God, “Father, why can’t I just have this brotherhood? I am not lusting after him. I am not making him an idol.  I just want to have a friendship but the way I connect with him is not the same way he connects with me. The way I connect with men, in general, is not the same way straight men connect.  How did this happen to me?  Why do I have to deal with this? Can you take this away from me?  I didn’t pick this.  I didn’t ask for this.  Why do men in the Church get to walk away from men like us? WHy can they reject us and not have any consequences? Why does marriage get to be the only covenant practiced in the Church?  What about friendship covenants?  What about loyalty among friends?  We want to love others too! We want to offer our love.  We want to know them too and let them know us.  

Father, can you just help us make it? I’ll give you whatever you want.  I just don’t want this longing in me anymore if I can’t be given the space to demonstrate this love you have put in me.

Why Father?  

Why?

Why are you silent about this deep desire in us to connect so deeply?

or

Maybe you are not silent.  Maybe you have already spoken about this,

but we are ignoring you.

Teamwork: I'll Push You, A journey of 500 Miles, Two Best Friends, and One wheelchair

"I never thought that one day I would ask my best friend to hold a urinal steady so I could pee, or wipe my backside because I could no longer hold toilet paper or reach.  But this is now my reality.  The first time I asked Patrick to help me use the bathroom, I hated it.  I felt like I was a burden. Part of me was back on my front porch, wresting God.  But Patrick, just like Kristin, has never thought twice.  He has always been happy to do whatever needs to be done. Just knowing that he can make my life a little easier brings him joy-the same joy I see on the faces of these people who are now carrying me up this incredibly steep mountain trial…..”When you deny someone the opportunity to help you, you deny them joy in life.”  I've had to embrace a lot of help over the past several years, and I have seen this truth play out in the lives of others time and time again.  There is so much joy in giving, in helping others.  A joy God intended for all of us to experience." - Justin

    The 4TS and the Church are about meeting the needs of those struggling with homosexuality within the Church so they can live the New Kingdom lives full of love, care, and trials Jesus foretold.  What better way to experience the 4TS than in friendship.  

Three months ago I was doing my weekly routine of researching about male friendships, specifically, male best friendships. I stumbled across these two best friends.  Patrick Gray and Justin Skeesuck.  

These two best friends have known each other for their entire lives.  They were born two days apart from each other.  Grew up in a small town and were able to experience childhood friendship and keep that friendship alive and well.  They have many funny, and heartwarming stories of how great their friendship is.

And what I think is most cool about their friendship is they simply love each other, care for each other, pursue each other.

They are Best Friends.  

They recently wrote a book about their 500-mile pilgrimage in the Camino De Santiago (which I plan on doing next spring now).

Ill-Push-You-978-1-4964-2169-2.jpg

 

The Book is called, “I'll push you.

But there was a unique pilgrimage about these two, one is disabled and lives in a wheelchair and has no muscle movement, that is Justin.  

Justin’s portion in the book talks about his experience losing his muscle movement that will eventually take his life according to his doctors.  

As I read his experiences, I couldn’t help but parallel his life with those that struggle with homosexuality.

Justin is totally dependent on the people around him to care for him and meet his minute by minute needs. He had to learn how to depend on his community, his wife, children, best friend, church, and many others.

That is the same thing that men and women who struggle with homosexuality have to deal with. They have to trust their brothers and sisters in the Church will care for them.  Give them touch, give them time, give them transparency, and give them teamwork, in this case, really deep lifelong friendship.  

Patrick, on the other hand, had a harder time dealing with his best friend’s life situation. Patrick experienced times of anger towards God concerning Justin.  He had a longer pilgrimage to understand what it means to let go of the things you can’t control in life.  God definitely heard a mouthful of bitter anger words from Patrick concerning his best friends lack of ability to love on his wife, children, and other life’s many blessings that require muscle movement.

As I was reading this book I started to mourn the falling out I had with of my best friend.  I started thinking about all the Christians that struggle with homosexuality that live in the darkness that don’t have friendships like Justing and Patrick.

 I started to ask God questions like Patrick was sort of asking,  "Why these men and women?"  "Why do they have to struggle with homosexuality?" "Why can’t men and women be in same-sex relationships and have a spouse, children, etc." "Why can’t they experience the many blessings of eros love?"

Even though I believe that same-sex romantic relationships are sinful, I still desire to have one.  I get jealous seeing other men who are gay enjoying their marriage.  Kissing, laying down together, experiencing a very caring loving relationship.  

On the other hand, because of the complexity of this topic, I see something that Justin talked about and that Patrick overheard.

Justin was asked, “If you could receive physical healing right now, would you choose it?”

Think about that question for a second.  If he were to receive healing, he could play with his children, hug his wife, play the sports he loved playing.  He would be able to do a lot more than he could now.

I wonder how many of us ask those questions in our lives?   “God, if you could just heal me in this area of my life I will be good. “

“Can you just take away this attraction towards men?”

But Patrick was shocked to hear Justin’s response to the question.  

Justin responded with a, “no”.

And this is where Teamwork comes in.

As Justin realized his life wasn’t going to change, he was able to understand the joy, blessing, and responsibility of needing the help of others.  

And Patrick learned that he was so focused on praying and asking God for a miracle, that he was missing Justin’s real needs, someone to step in for him and fight the real battle. Justin needed Patrick's hands.  He needed Patrick's feet.

He needed someone to shower him on this pilgrimage, change him, hold a urinal, carry him.

 “The miracle had already happened,” according to Patrick.

“That's when I realized that, more often than not, the miracle isn’t the absence of struggle, disease, or pain; it is the presence of grace and certainty, the ability to face strife, the unknown, or a slow death, without fear.  My obsession with divine intervention had distracted me from the truth that God had already intervened.  

We desperately want provision to make sense on our terms-…..but simply waiting on God and being angry when he doesn’t show up the way want him to is a perverted sense of provision….”

For those of us who struggle with homosexuality, I hope you can see Justin and Patrick as an example of how we can handle pain.  

As Justin learned, this was his life.  

How can we make the best of it and love God and other’s along the way and be okay with being a needy person attracted to the same sex?  I know for those of us that struggle with homosexuality we are needy.  We need touch from the Church, We need Time with our brothers and sisters in the Church, We need to experience very deep moments of transparency, and we need the Church.  

We should stop asking God to take away our same-sex attractions and let others love us in the unique way we need to be loved. Let’s accept our neediness because it will bless the Church with Joy!

As Patrick learned, this was life. He needed to stop praying for a miracle and experience the miracle that God had already done using him.  

If you are a Christian that knows of a Christian brother or sister who struggles with homosexuality, don't pass them by.  You are missing out on being the miracle that God wants to accomplish.  But this will be a sacrifice for you.  It won't be easy.  It will interrupt your life, your dreams, your goals, your family.

I know for those of us that struggle with homosexuality we want a miracle.  But we miss the point of being in the Church.

Let others join our battle.  Let’s join the battles that others are facing.  Let’s sacrifice and go against the life society says we are to live.  Society says we are allowed to be in romantic relationships.  That God approves of it and blesses it.  But we know that isn’t true.  We know friendship and other relationships are ways we can have our very deep needs met.  Let's trust the miracle of the Church is the way God is moving in our lives.  

And most importantly, let's make friendships a thing in the Church!

Let's pursue each other in very deep ways!  

May we get to know each other in ways that make us feel vulnerable and dependent on each other.  

May we establish Best Friendships! and I am not talking about Marriage.

One thing I love about this specific best friendship was they reserved that term for each other, not their wives.  

Friendship needs it’s place in church now.  

May we let the Holy Spirit grow those relationships that have traditionally been valuable in the Church at one time in its history.

“If I’m going to embrace a life of faith, I must embrace the gifts of provision that God gives to me.  I must embrace the help of my wife, my neighbors, my friends-and even complete strangers. I must welcome the helping hands of people I’ve only just met,…., the crew of pilgrims who hauled us up the mountain today,….To live a life of faith, I must no longer trust solely in my own strength; I must let go of safety and learn to trust the strength of the people God surrounds me with.
I walk up to Justin as he continues to look out from atop this beautiful mountain landscape.  Hearing my approach, he looks up at me, and a smile spreads across his face.  

“Can you believe we made it?” He asks.

“Yea, I can.” - Justin

4 reasons Biola is a safe place for Christians who struggle with Homosexuality.

Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork, 4 words that defined my experience at Biola University!  As I walked along the long hallways of the best floor ever, HEAT! And lived in the best dorm ever, HART!  I experienced the joy of seeing so many of my friends day in and day out.  It was a blast.  God showed me the very meaning of what it means to live in community as we walk alongside each other in our brokenness.  

 At the age of 18 I already knew I needed to share with others I struggled with homosexuality just like the scriptures say to do so you can be loved, forgiven, and healed.  

I was able to share with my friends Jordan, Derick, Ryan, Geoff, and some others my first 2 years at Biola.  

Eventually, my community expanded and I was able to share with Ben, Kolby, Geoff, James, Sith, Anil, Kris, Jeremy, Christian, Ryan, Jaken, David, Nate, Josh, Levi, Matt, Stevy, Tank, Campos, Matt, Matt,…

If you don’t get the point, I was able to share with my community, my friends, my brothers, that I was sexually attracted to men.

I was accepted into the team of Christian brotherhood, although the team wasn’t perfect, I was loved and treated like a normal brother.

It was great.  It was love. It was trust. It was a community.

At times, life got really hard, but you have to expect that in life.  I was happy life got really hard in the safety net that Biola was and is.  

So here are 4 reasons I believe Biola University is a great place for a Christian Student who struggles with homosexuality to attend and belong to.

Reason 1:   You can receive a lot of healthy TOUCH.

One of the deepest needs in our lives as humans is touch. Especially for someone who struggles with homosexuality.  We don't want sex, we want to know our bodies, who we are, are accepted and loved because we are also made in the likeness of God, just like your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband. Touch is a way of being known, loved, and liked.

Because of the social narrative American males are going through in regards to touch, especially for me as a Hispanic male who struggles with homosexuality, touch isn't something that is regularly available to me.

But for this next generation, men and touch have been more accepting of each other.  

Especially in the University.  

Here is a great article about the change in how men have been experiencing touch.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/01/straight-men-cuddle-guys-study_n_5241953.html

“According to a new study out of Britain on the changing social habits of heterosexual males. Published in the Journal of Men and Masculinities in March, the study revealed that 98 percent of the study’s participants — all white, college-age male athletes — have shared a bed with another guy. In addition, 93 percent also reported having spooned or cuddled with another man.”

 And all humans need touch,

We long for it,

I was longing for it.

to some extent, I believe that is why a lot of men get into relationships with women, so they can experience very pleasurable touch.  

But I was blessed to receive oceans of touch from friends at Biola.  Even now when I step on campus, I pay attention to the students and I love to see so much joy and friendship taking place as they give each other platonic touch.  

Hugs, kisses,  arms around the shoulder, etc.

The Biola Community offers it.

I had friends jump in bed with me as I was sleeping in the morning.  I had friends give me hugs upon hugs. I loved sitting by all my bros on the couch in the dorms as we watched movies and episodes of the office.  A couple of times, out of necessity because we were cold as we camped, we even cuddled. It was great. It was friendship, it was a brotherhood.

And most of my friends that knew about me were completely fine giving me touch.  Even the ones that knew I was attracted to them.  

They were not afraid of me.

They hugged me.

Reason 2:  You get to experience precious amounts of Time together.

The time at Biola to enjoy friendship and community is unbelievable! This time is extremely rare outside of a Christian University context.  Plenty of Christians who struggle with homosexuality deal with loneliness and are asking the question, "Who is going to live with me as I use this time that God has given me?"

Growing up I longed for brotherhood and to live on a floor with 50+ of your closest friends was awesome! We got to play ultimate frisbee, soccer, debate theology and politics, watch new episodes of lost and the office, go to class together, travel around the U.S. and have great road trips visiting each other’s houses and national parks. Reading the scriptures together, worshipping, evangelizing, crying, praying, going to lectures together. Going to the library to talk and laugh.  Trying to stay overnight in the library or going to the library dance parties.  

The list is huge of all the types of Time you get to experience with your friends and community.

One of the struggles with homosexuality is loneliness.  Sometimes loneliness is the heart of struggling with homosexuality.  Remember, "God said it wasn't good for humans to be alone."

We need time together.   

The Biola experience gave me an idea of how far and how much friendship can have in regards to time.  

Time, friendship, and community are synonymous in my vocabulary.  

Reason 3. You can experience the intimate act of Transparency ( emotional, spiritual and physical transparency).

Christians who struggle with homosexuality long to be connected emotionally, spiritually, and physically with their Christian family.  

In regards to transparency, that depends on your friends and community how transparent you want to be with each other.  I was blessed to have a community that pursued transparency.  It is hard work to do especially for young men.  

We cried together, shared our sin struggles with each other such as porn, sex, drugs, idols, friendship insecurities etc., We argued and confronted each other. We lived together. We told each other how much we cared and loved each other.  The emotional and spiritual affirmation I longed for in brotherhood that I received and gave at Biola was such a good experience for me.  

I was even able to share with some friends that I was attracted to them and we processed what that meant for our friendship.

When it comes to physical transparency, that was interesting.  

When I first moved into the dorms, my lust levels were pretty high, not by my own choice, but because I didn’t really know how to be so close to so many males at one time. Living together, walking around naked too and from the showers, guys having morning wood, guys doing funny naked stuff.  Eventually, my closes friends would walk me through some normal healthy naked experiences that guys go through and it helped me see these men as my brothers instead of just bodies to sexualize.

 This was probably one of the most transforming experiences in my life at Biola,  

To finally see men as my brothers.

that is what sanctification looks like in regards to struggling with homosexuality.  

It doesn't mean becoming attracted to women, and if that is something anyone is teaching, it is flat out wrong.  Heterosexual attraction is filled with sinful desires and goals too.

When you struggle with homosexuality and you experience forms of normal healthy nakedness with your buddies, like the locker room, showers, changing etc. , it teaches you to be content and confident with your own body, it teaches you to say no to your heart when your heart wants to turn your brothers into idols, it teaches you to just calm down with the body and see beyond that, the person made in the likeness of God.

Reason 4.   The Teamwork at Biola is amazing!

For Christians that struggle with homosexuality, teamwork or community or brotherhood or friendship is very important! We want to belong to something bigger than ourselves.  We want fidelity, we want to give fidelity.  We want to be one with others the way the New Covenant says we are.

And you don't need sex or marriage to be one with someone and sex and marriage isn't the most intimate experience humans have together. It is one relationship of many Christians can experience together.

The New Covenant Jesus made with the Church is the most intimate and loyal relationship a human can experience this side of Heaven.

That is what you will receive at Biola.  From the Professors to the therapists, to your RD’s, your friends on the floor, from the staff, ministries you become a part of, and even the President of Biola.

You are part of the New Covenant with them.

I was able to find a great therapist to talk to about the complexities of my life.  From sexual abuse, my sins, how to handle living with guys, what did it mean to be attracted to my best friend etc.  

I was able to develop great relationships with professors as I sought out truth in my struggles such as Dr Lunde, Dr. Petitfils, Dr. Strauss, Dr. Grace, and many other professors I shared my life with. Recently Dr. Thoeness and I have connected and he is really cool.  I was able to vent to them about the hardships of struggling with homosexuality.

I was able to share my life with my RD Ryan Low.

I was able to develop a great relationship with Danny Paschall and Matthew Hooper who were the dean of students at Biola, and some other Biola staff members. During the very hard times, with Danny I was able to text him, call him, cry in his arms, not just cry, but sob in his arms. With Matthew Hooper I have been able to develop an amazing friendship that is still going on.  We have both been able to process this topic with each other as it affected both our lives differently. 

I was able to have a chat with President Dr. Barry Corey about where he was going to take Biola in this discussion concerning students who struggled with this and I was pleased with him.  

But most importantly, the community of brothers that I lived with in the dorms is what changed my life and showed me that God loves me and cares for me, a Christian who struggles with homosexuality.  Those are the hands and feet of God that have transformed my life into the person I am today.  I would literally die for most of my friends.  I'm sure they know that.  I can't even give to them what they have already given to me, especially Jordan and Geoff, I would be dead without them.  They were there along with all my friends at the times when I went crazy and become suicidal because of the pain this struggle causes in my life and how it messes up my friendships because of the complexities it creates in me.

Geeze, life can be real shitty sometimes.

But these are 4 simple words that I know Christians who struggle with homosexuality value and need in their life.

We long for these words as we see the Church and its leaders fight over the topics of marriage and homosexuality disregarding what friendship is and how deep and intimate friendship can be.

If you are a student that struggles with homosexuality at Biola, I hope and believe you can find the support you need there.  

It really is there.

Let me warn you, outside of Biola it can be a little rougher walking alongside a local church because Churches are still trying to figure out how to love those who struggle with this.  This is why I am writing about the 4TS.

But Biola really is a safe place. I would argue for my life it was the best place.
It isn't perfect. I had my times of great pain and sorrow there, but I also had my time of great joy, growth, intimacy, love, fun, adventure, oneness.  

I once met a student who struggles with homosexuality and decided not to live in the dorms because he was afraid of lusting after all the men.  

My response was this,

"Dude, you made a big mistake! It is in a community that God shows his love and redemption, his hands and feet.  God's will for you to be sanctified to see your brothers with love instead of lust, is more powerful and graceful than your struggle with homosexuality."

Transparency and Teamwork: To my Christian brothers, let's talk about our sexual abuse

“But if you are a poor creature--poisoned by a wretched up-bringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels--saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion--nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends--do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

“Hey Richard, can I share something with you?”

"Sure man go for it! I'm here."

“When I was younger, my older brother made me give him a blowjob.”

“When I was younger, an older Christian member of my church molested me.”

“When I was younger, my father abused me and raped me. He would hit me a lot.”

“When I was younger, my older brother and his boyfriend made me do sexual things with them.”
 
“When I was a kid, my youth pastor made us get naked together.”

“When I was young, there was this older man I became close with and one thing lead to another and we would have anal sex together.  He would do that to me.  (What would he do exactly?) He would....um.....he would....(You don't have to tell me) He would shove his penis in me. (Dang man, did that hurt?) ......um yea man. Eventually, I started to like it though.

“When I was a teenager, my mentor ask me to masturbate with him.”

“When I was 16, an older Church friend asked me to jack him off and asked if he can jack me off.”

“When I was 14, this older dude would suck my dick.”

“When I was 14, I would go to my friend's house and his older brother would make me suck his dick.”

“When I was younger, one of my friends would sort of make us get naked together and touch each other.”

“When I was 9, I went on my dad’s computer and I saw porn on it.”

“When I was 10, I saw porn for the first time at a friends house.”

“When I was 11, I saw porn on my dad’s computer.”

“When I was 12, I was online and a porn site come on and I saw a naked woman for the first time.”

“When I was 13, I saw porn on my dad’s computer. It's like he had it saved. I started watching porn that had to do with men being really violent towards women."

I usually responded to my brothers who gone through this like this,

“I’m sorry man. That is rough. Have you told anyone? (90% of the time they say no) How do you feel about that?

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel confused.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel bad because I liked it.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

I feel bad because I knew my friend’s brother would keep doing that to me, but I liked it.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel like my life was taken away from me.”

“I feel like my innocence was taken away from me.”

“I forgive him but I don’t understand why he did that to me.”

"I feel really embarrassed."

“I’m confused. I don’t know if I like guys or not. Some people think I'm gay.”

“I feel like I am weak.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel like I am gay, but I am attracted to women, but I want to hook up with men.”

“My parents found out I looked at porn and they got super mad at me.”

“ I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

Hey! I see you! I hear you! You are not gay, you are not weak, this wasn't your choice. It isn’t fair this was put on you.  You were a kid, of course you will like the pleasure.  Of course you felt confused, alone, ashamed, and scared.  

I am sorry you went through that.  I am sorry your parents didn’t know how to handle this.  I am sorry you have been in darkness for almost your whole life.

I am sorry this is affecting your marriage, your girlfriend, your opportunity to have deep male friendships.  

I am sorry this has made you addicted to porn.

I am sorry this is making you watch gay porn.

Your penis and their penis, the body part that is the key to maleness and unity in the male brotherhood, is now a symbol of darkness, loneliness, pride, isolation.  

But my dude, you are still alive. You are not going to drown in this.  I am here man. Jesus the King is here and sees what you have gone through.  He was abused and exposed in a way that his body shouldn't have been, yet, the Father made that into an event that brings Justice for the situations we have been in.  

I hope you can trust God.

Trust the Church.

I hope you can trust me.

And for the record, you are a man.  

To my Christian family, especially men, we have gone through sexual abuse.  80% of my male friends have gone through sexual abuse.  Some stats say 1 out of 6 men have gone through sexual abuse. As I have started this site, I have heard countless stories of men going through horrible sexual abuse as a kid.  I have heard pastors tell me stories of their students being abused by fathers, uncles, cousins, church members, etc.

Sexual abuse is as common as stealing, lying, affairs, etc.

We are a broken humanity.  We need to talk about this brokenness and not hide it.  We need to walk into the locker room together, be vulnerable, be one, trust each other again. Defend each other.  Be loyal.

Since most of my friends know I struggle with homosexuality, most of them have told me their deep darkest secrets because apparently, I have one of the worse sins to deal with so I can understand their shame, secrets, pain, darkness, addictions.  

I understand embarrassment.  

What saddens me is I see them try to deal with their secrets in ways that are not showing God’s redeeming work in their life.  Instead, we hid our secrets with hook ups, girlfriends, marriage, ministry, pride.  We think we can just move on and forgive.  We don't want to feel the feelings of weakness, betrayal, darkness.

We never deal with the pain that someone used our body the wrong way.

We never deal with the shame that there was a penis put in our mouth.

We never deal with the guilt that there was a penis shoved in our bottom.

We never deal with the confusion of liking an older male touching us when we were not supposed to be touched a certain way.  

We don’t know how to stop looking at porn when we never chose it in the beginning. It just popped up on our parent's computer when we were a kid.  Now we can’t stop or want to stop and we are married afraid to tell our wife or girlfriend because they will make this issue about them and not our own brokenness and sin.

Men, we are hurting and we are staying silent about it.

We are not being a team. We are not being transparent with each other.  

We are avoiding sitting down together, holding each other and saying,

"I need help, I was fucked as a kid." (because fucked is the best word to describe this experience)

We would rather pursue intimacy with a woman and avoid the awkwardness of being loved by fellow men, brothers, friends that will hear you say,

“When I was a kid, I gave another man a blowjob.”

“When I was a kid, some man put his penis in me.”

Men, I see you afraid and confused on how to connect back with the team you belong to.  You don’t know how to connect with men because you are ashamed of what happened to you and what you did. You feel like this takes away your man card.  Your penis is weak.  Your manhood is weak.  Your masculinity can’t fulfill its purpose because it was taken from you. Your dignity was taken away. Your strength. You feel like it was your fault.

When someones makes a gay joke, you feel the weight of it because you feel something gay happened to you. Your body was used the wrong way.  You had no control over the situation.

 Now you hook up with girls to feel like you are in control when really, you are still out of control and that little kid in you is begging for someone to come and defend you. To back you up. Protect you.

I feel sad about that. I hope you can mourn that properly and righteously

WITH OTHER Christian MEN.

I hope you can come back to the club, the crew, the team, the locker room

and say,

“Guys, I was taken advantage of when I needed someone there to help me.”

“I was used by another man. “

“He made me give him a blowjob.”

“He made me get naked with him.”

“It feels like he destroyed my masculinity.”

“I wish I didn’t look at porn when I was a kid.”

“I wish my parents knew I really didn’t know what I was doing.”

“What the fuck happened to me?”

"Can someone please just hold my hand and walk with me for a little?"

These questions are the questions ruling our hearts.

They control us.  They make us become prideful and stubborn.  They cause us to shrink and hide.  They cause us to only find intimacy in a woman.  But really, what you are looking for is a mother, but your wife or girlfriend isn’t your mom.  She is a helper.  But we know deep down we need more than a helper.  

We need a brother, a friend,

another man to look you in the eyes as you confess your heaviness and he responds with

“Hey man, I’m hearing what happened to you.”

“This is really shitty.”

“But my dude,”

 “You are a man.”

“You are a man with me.”

“I am a man with you.”

“Let's walk together through your pain and anger.”

“You can cry in my arms if you need to.”

“I will touch you the proper brotherly way men are suppose to touch each other.”

“I will be naked with you the proper way men are supposed to be naked with each other.”

“I will not use you or take advantage of your masculinity.”

“You are my brother, you are a man, and it takes a man to talk about this shit.”

So to my Christian brothers, let's be real with each other now.  Let's trust each other and cry together over the sexual abuse that is occurring in our lives and in the lives of little boys, young teenagers, and even men that get sexually assaulted.

We say we live in a messed up sinful world,

Well, let's start talking about that with each other and grow from that.

If you are a man that has been sexually abused, please email me. Contact me. I want to hear you, but let me warn you, I will challenge you to grow from that experience. Sometimes to grow from that experience, we also need to report that experience to the authorities.  So I will challenge you with that if you contact me.

 Our identity as men isn’t wrapped around what happened to us.  

It’s wrapped around the fact that you are a man because God calls you that.  

And don’t let this control your life. Don’t let it cause you to pursue marriage or romance to hide your pain.  Don’t let it cause you to use your wife or girlfriend just so you can feel like a man.

You are stronger than that.  

You are my brother.

You are my dude.

You can cry, be angry, be sad, mourn

and still be a man.

Join the team of men.  Be vulnerable with your friends, your pastors, mentors, trust that there are good men in your life that will care for you and respect you and your body the way it is supposed to be respected.

You have a penis, they have a penis.  That is a great thing! Let's celebrate that.

You are a man and you belong to the world of manhood.

Let yourself be loved by men. I know you have always longed for that.  

Why not let yourself have that now?

May you finally have the chance to hear another man tell you the most simple and profound words you have longed to hear,

"Hey dude, I'm here for you. I'll walk with you. Don't be embarrassed.

You are a man."

One Side B Christian's revison of the Nashville Statment

I will make a covenant of peace with them. It shall be an everlasting covenant with them. And I will set them in their landand multiply them, and will set my sanctuary in their midst forevermore.  My dwelling place shall be with them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.  Then the nations will know that I am the Lord who sanctifies Israel, when my sanctuary is in their midst forevermore.” - Ezekiel 37:26-28

Evangelical Christians at the dawn of the twenty-first century find themselves living in a period of history that shows God is using his Church to save the world from its fallenness. As Western Culture has become increasingly post-Christian, evangelicals have been increasingly corrupted by enlightenment influence and secularism in its pursuit of sexuality.  The world and evangelicals have strayed away from God’s original intent for sexuality and healthy physical intimacy within friendship, community, and marriage.

By and large, the spirit of our age within the Evangelical Church and the World no longer discerns or delights in the original intent of God’s design for friendship, community, and marriage.

Many deny that God created human beings for his glory and that his good purposes for us include our personal and physical design as male and female.

The New Covenant that Jesus put in place is bringing humanity back to its original stance, a temple for God to dwell in.

But in the evangelical world, it has been common to think that human identity as male and female is highly achieved in sexuality in autonomous preference disregarding the New Covenant and the Great commission that Jesus put in place.

The pathway to full and lasting joy through God’s New Covenant has been replaced in the Church with the idolization of sexuality and family. God’s good design for his people to show the world justice, love, truth, and hope has been replaced by the path of shortsighted alternatives such as the nuclear family, love ONLY between a man and a woman, and a disregard for local church family inclusion.

This secular spirit of our age presents a great challenge to the Christian church.  Will the church of the Lord Jesus Christ lose her biblical conviction, clarity, and courage, and blend into the spirit of the age? Or will she hold fast to the word of life, draw courage from Jesus, and unashamedly proclaim his way as the way of life?  Will she maintain her clear, cunner-cultural witness to a world that seems bent on ruin and idolization of sexuality?

We are persuaded that faithfulness in our generation means declaring once again the true story of the world and of our place in it-particularly as male and female being one in Christ Jesus because of the New Covenant. Christian Scripture teaches that there is but one God who alone is Creator and Lord of all.  To him alone, every person owes glad-hearted thanksgiving, heart-felt praise, and total allegiance.  This is the path not only of glorifying God, but of knowing ourselves.  To forget our King is to forget who we are, for he made us for himself.  And we cannot know ourselves truly without truly knowing him who made us.  We did not make ourselves.  We are not our own.  Our true identity, as a male and female person, is given by God and lived within the body of Christ, the Church.  It is not only foolish but hopeless, to try to make ourselves what Jesus did not create us to be, in a relationship with him alone without the Church.  

We believe that God’s design for his creation and his way of salvation serve to bring him the greatest glory and bring us the greatest good.  God’s good plan provides us with the greatest freedom.  Jesus said he came that we might have life and have it in overflowing measure.  He is for us and not against us. Therefore, in the hope of serving Christ’s Church and witnessing publicly to the good purposes of God for human sexuality, community, friendship, and marriage revealed in Christian tradition and scripture, I offer you the following affirmations and denials that I hope are better than the Nashville Statement.

Article 1.

We affirm that God has designed a New Covenant for humanity to be a covenantal, procreative disciple making, lifelong union of men and women, that Jesus calls his bride who he is in love with.  They are ONE and will seek out each other in love and care. This community will be made up of single men and women, children, widows, covenantal friendships, covenantal marriages, and holy celibates.  Each relationship has the potential to signify the love between Christ and his bride the Church.  

We deny that God wants us to value marriage over the Church, teach that marriage is the deepest form of intimacy, and value earthly covenants over the New Covenant.  In the Old Covenant, sexuality only between a man and a woman was once very important so Israel can reproduce and have children to be the light of the World.  Now in the New Covenant, Jesus wants his church to make new disciples so they can be the light of the world.  This is the age of the Church and it’s function here on earth.  Just as the Apostle Paul taught in his writings, sexuality is no longer needed but is still beneficial for the Churches mission when actually practiced selflessly for the Church and not for the sake of eros alone.

Article 2.  

We affirm that God’s revealed will for all people is chastity outside of marriage and inside of marriage with fidelity within marriage and fidelity to the Church and friends.  
We also affirm fidelity within friendship and the practice of laying down your life for your friends.  We affirm that friends can make covenants before God and the Church to demonstrate the love between Friends that the Holy Spirit has been so kind to give.

We deny that any affections, desires, or commitments ever justify sexual intercourse before or outside of marriage covenants, and friendship covenants, nor do they justify any form of sexual immorality, such as making out, touching each other's body parts in a sexual passionate way even though no reproductive parts are being touched.  Lust starts in the Heart.  

Article 3

We affirm that God created male and female (read Genesis) in his own image, equal before God as persons, and distinct as male and female.  

We Deny that the divinely ordained differences between male and female render them unequal in dignity and worth.

Article 4

We affirm that divinely ordained differences between male and female reflect God’s original creation design and are meant for human good and human flourishing.  

We deny that such difference is a result of the fall or are a tragedy to be redeemed and go through sanctification that sometimes we will not understand.  

Article 5

We affirm that the difference between male and female reproductive structures are integral to God’s design for self-conception as male and female and should be allowed to function properly without human interference to stop the process of self-conception within the realm of marriage and sexuality.   We will be consistent in our judgments and not condemn homosexuality and transgenders for “being unnatural” if we use methods that go against the integral reproductive structures. We will work on our own logs in our eyes before working on the eyes of others.

We deny that physical anomalies or psychological condition nullify the God appointed link between biological sex and self-conception as male and female.

Article 6

WE AFFIRM that those born with a physical disorder of sex development are created in the image of God and have dignity and worth equal to all other image-bearers. They are acknowledged by our Lord Jesus in his words about “eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb.” With all others, they are welcome as faithful followers of Jesus Christ and should embrace their biological sex insofar as it may be known.

We also affirm that singles in the Church are also equal to all other image-bearers and should be treated with equal respect as married Church members.  

WE DENY that ambiguities related to a person’s biological sex render one incapable of living a fruitful life in joyful obedience to Christ.  We also deny the singleness disqualifies your role in the Church and if anything, it should be more valued as the Apostle Paul taught about singleness. “I wish you were single for the sake of the Gospel.”

Article 7

WE AFFIRM that self-conception as male or female should be defined by God’s holy purposes in the New Covenant as he is redeeming humanity as revealed in Scripture.  When we enter into same sex friendships, we need to remember we are fallen and that attraction towards the same sex is a fallen state.  Also, a disregard for fidelity in friendship is fallen. That means we walk in a deeper community and go through the amazing redemption process the Holy Spirit has created within Church community.  If we enter into a marriage covenant we need to obey the standards that God has biologically designed in regards to sex and procreation.  Do not enter into marriage if you do not plan on fulfilling God’s purpose for marriage.  

WE DENY that partaking in a same sex romantic relationship or partaking in a sex change is consistent with God’s holy purposes in creation and redemption in the New Covenant.  Jesus wants us to be content with who we are, what we are, and to know we are being made into a new creation in him and not in our sexual identities.  He wants us to focus on the Great commission.

Article 8

WE AFFIRM that people who experience sexual attraction for the same sex may live a rich and fruitful life pleasing to God through faith in Jesus Christ, in strong, intimate, faithful, selfless, inclusive, family, Christian Community in a local Church and beyond, as they, like all Christians, walk in purity of life.

WE DENY that sexual attraction for the same sex is part of the natural goodness of God’s original creation, or that it puts a person outside the hope of the gospel.

We also deny that Christians with same sex attaction are always lusting and want a penis or vagina and boobs.  We are not vampires.

Article 9

WE AFFIRM that sin distorts sexual desires by directing them away from the marriage covenant and toward sexual immorality — a distortion that includes both heterosexual and homosexual immorality.

WE DENY that an enduring pattern of desire for sexual immorality justifies sexually immoral behavior.
We also deny a legalistic view of scripture in regards to direct actions that might not be mentioned in scripture, so if you are partaking in lustful physical connections only reserved for marriages, Stop, that is sexual immorality.  Take it seriously.  Stop making out late at night in your cars touching each other all over the place, save that for marriage.  They call that Forplay. 

Article 10

WE AFFIRM that some think it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval will divide churches.  We need to respect each other and go our separate ways and worship God as we believe to be right and allow him to be the final judge.  Gay affirming Churches need to do the same and stop pressuring others to believe what they believe too.  We need to know our boundaries and respect each other’s spaces.  

WE DENY that we can make statements for all Christians since there are many Great intellectual Church bodies such as the Catholics and Orthodox Christians that have kept to historical Christian theology that differs from the enlightenment influenced American Evangelicals.

Article 11

WE AFFIRM our duty to speak the truth in love at all times, including when we speak to or about one another as male or female.
We affirm that the Church has done horrible acts against the LGBTQ community.
We affirm that we have not practically loved and included Christians that struggle with homosexuality in our personal lives and have excluded them from healthy intimacy.  
We affirm that the truth we want to talk about is a truth that makes us comfortable.

WE DENY any obligation to speak in such ways that dishonor God’s design of his image-bearers as male and female.
We Deny any form of unhealthy sinful rejection of those that struggle with homosexuality or deals with sexual identity issues.  
We deny any form of sinful selfish marriages that work against the work of the Holy Spirit as he longs to sanctify the Church.  
We deny any form of truth being told without any practical love and care being offered.  

Article 12

WE AFFIRM that the grace of God in Christ gives both merciful pardon and transforming power, and that this pardon and power enable a follower of Jesus to put to death sinful desires and to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord.
WE DENY that the grace of God in Christ is insufficient to forgive all sexual sins and to give power for holiness to every believer who feels drawn into sexual sin.

Article 13

WE AFFIRM that the grace of God in Christ enables sinners to live in Church community as they process sexual identities issues and get their GOD LIKE needs met in the process, and by divine forbearance to accept the God-ordained link between one’s biological sex and one’s self-conception as male or female.

WE DENY that the grace of God in Christ sanctions self-conceptions that are at odds with God’s revealed will.

Article 14

WE AFFIRM that Christ Jesus has come into the world to be King and plant his Church on Earth and bring justice, love, hope, healing, forgiveness of sins and that through Christ’s death and resurrection, eternal life is available to every person who repents of sin and trusts in Christ alone as Savior, Lord, and supreme treasure.  
We also affirm that the Church is the hands and feet of Christ and is responsible to meet the needs of the lost, lonely, sexually fallen, sinners of the world and that they were not made to live alone with God, but through community in the church as Jesus loves her.  We affirm our Lords teaching that marriage will not be in Heaven and that we will all be one in Christ experiencing a heavenly intimacy that we can partially experience now through Church fidelity.

WE DENY that the Lord’s arm is too short to save or that any sinner is beyond his reach.  

If you were hurt by the Nashville statement I am sorry.  I was too.  I wrote this to remind myself I am responsable for my feelings and actions and I don’t need to agree with statements that Christians make.  I also want to speak out to these church leaders that seem to be culturally insensitive when it comes to the timing, wording, lack of definition, theology, and inclusion of this statement.  I am Side B.  I do have a conservative stance on this topic.  I long to be gentle in this conversation because there is great pain that not many Christians understand.  I hope you find peace and hope in the New Covenant of Christ that is taking place in Church community.  Without the Church we cannot experience sanctification.  Jesus is coming for the Church, not individuals. Not the nuclear family. 

To Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley from a Biola Alumni who struggles with Homosexuality.

A letter to these Biola Professors and why I am concerned and hurt they signed the Nashville Statement.

I want to start off by saying, I love the Church.  I love my Christian friends. I love my Christian family.  And I am trying to follow Jesus.  It is a hard calling.
I went to Biola and I loved it! Best times of my life happened there. I am 29 and I struggle with homosexuality.  I like to think Biola is what kept me founded on truth and love in my very complex struggle regarding homosexuality.  It helped me search for truth and taught me what the Christian life should be.  

Biola also taught me a couple of things concerning the Christian community and how it indirectly ignores Christians who struggle with homosexuality.  It taught me marriage is the relationship all Christians value over any other relationship, even over the Church.  I learned Christians don't really value Celibacy or caring for the singles.  I learned future Church leaders are going to be carrying on the idolization that sex, marriage, and family are.  And the scariest thing of all, Biola taught me many Christians are not willing to lay down their life for their friend, especially if they struggle with homosexuality, but they are willing to speak up against homosexuality.  

At first, I was frustrated with my friends, but I realized they are only following their Church leaders, their mentors, their professors, their Bible professors.  Biola even has a program called the Center for Marriage and Relationships. 

Any programs happening soon to promote celibacy and singleness for the sake of the gospel?  Do Church leaders really want to talk about this? It seems we avoid those parts of scripture a lot.

A good handful of my male friends were Bible majors or students who wanted to be in ministry.  Most of them all wanted to be like Erik Thoennes. Dave Talley, JP Moreland, Matt Williams, basically any professor who was married and played sports.  

They wanted to get a wife by the time they graduated college, have kids in about 3 years, and work in ministry.

They wanted to lead the Church.

Teach the Church.

Have sex.  Lots of it.

Feel loved.  Feel successful.  Feel like they made it.  Be like their professors, mentors, and Church leaders.

Besides, they had professors and pastors talking about how great sex and marriage is in all their sermons and lectures.  How their wife is the hottest wife around.  Every example of true love I heard at Biola or at a Church was how they met their “best friend” and married them.  

Eventually, this affected me.  As I was learning about what it meant to struggle with homosexuality, I realized Christians didn’t really know what to do when they met me.  They thought I was hungry for a penis all the time.  Or that I am always lusting or that I am called to Celibacy or that marriage was going to save me somehow.

Because marriage was going to do that for them.  Marriage fits the successful Christian life standard and they needed to defend marriage too!

Save it from the liberal gay movement.  

Because sex is for a man and a woman.  

We have to speak out against sexual immorality, but really speak out against the gays, even though all my friends made out with their girlfriends until they got an erection or started lusting.  

It’s like you can make out until it gets lustful.  Heterosexual standards are silly sometimes.

But for sure we know homosexuality is wrong.  

And Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley signed a statement today to remind us that it is wrong.  

And this statement did the very thing that the church has been doing for the last 30 to 40 years.  

Reminding people like me that Christian leaders care about getting the truth out in the open but do not invest any time or energy to actually teach about how to care and love Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

As I was reading the Nashville Statement, I agreed with mostly everything, but the more I kept reading, the more I was wondering when is the Church going to come in?

When is the Church going to be responsible and do its job?  

As I read each article, hurt and pain started to build up……

Article 1 -  God has designed marriage to be a covenantal, sexual, procreative, lifelong union of one man and one woman, as husband and wife, and is meant to signify the covenant love between Christ and his bride the church.

(This is interesting because I have many friends and Christians I know that are on birth control that are married and don’t want to have kids, but just want to be in love and not spend any time with Christian brothers and sisters but want to live that American romantic life)

Article 2 -  God’s revealed will for all people is chastity outside of marriage and fidelity within marriage.
that any affections, desires, or commitments ever justify sexual intercourse before or outside marriage; nor do they justify any form of sexual immorality.

(but you have thousands of Christian couples making out like crazy, cuddling, having very intimate physical moments with each other even though their bodies don't belong to each other.  Do we just want to ignore the fact that men get erections when this happens? is that not sexual? Will you address this? Is this a double standard?)

Article 8 - people who experience sexual attraction for the same sex may live a rich and fruitful life pleasing to God through faith in Jesus Christ, as they, like all Christians, walk in purity of life.
 We deny that sexual attraction for the same sex is part of the natural goodness of God’s original creation, or that it puts a person outside the hope of the gospel.

(And I want to know how do us Christians deal with this in the Church? Tell us, please.  Stop reminding us that homosexuality is wrong.  We already know it is, but tell us how to fit in a church that idolizes the nuclear family, spends all their time with their girlfriends or wives, doesn’t care how dating effects the community, doesn’t know how to care for single people.  Christians don’t even value celibacy or singleness.  Please tell me who can I call at night when I feel alone?  Who can I experience touch when I just need a long hug or a shoulder to lay my head on?  Who can I live life with if all Christians care about is being married so they can have sex and feel one with someone? )

Article 9 - sin distorts sexual desires by directing them away from the marriage covenant and toward sexual immorality — a distortion that includes both heterosexual and homosexual immorality.

(Are you guys ever going to discipline couples that cross these boundaries? Or can couples just do everything they can physically before they start using the sexual body parts? Doesn’t lust start in the heart? Why do you pick on homosexuality so fast?)

Article 10 - it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval constitutes an essential departure from Christian faithfulness and witness.
WE DENY that the approval of homosexual immorality or transgenderism is a matter of moral indifference about which otherwise faithful Christians should agree to disagree.

(you bring up faithfulness here, but the Church doesn’t care about being faithful to those that struggle with homosexuality. Take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the speck out of someones else’s. I can make a list of my fellow Christian brothers who struggle with homosexuality and share with everyone all the friends that have abandoned us because walking alongside someone who struggles with homosexuality cost to much.  We cost to much time, energy, we get in the way of their heterosexual plans)

Article 11 - WE AFFIRM our duty to speak the truth in love at all times, including when we speak to or about one another as male or female.
WE DENY any obligation to speak in such ways that dishonor God’s design of his image-bearers as male and female.

(this is the most heart breaking statement of all, please tell me how you guys are doing this in love? How are you loving those that struggle with homosexuality?  Why are they leaving the Church in waves?  Writing a statement doesn’t do anything.  This isn’t love.  You say you see us as image bearers, yet we are treated like second class family members in the Church. Do you really think you guys are loving us by writing this? Really? 

Article 12 - the grace of God in Christ gives both merciful pardon and transforming power, and that this pardon and power enable a follower of Jesus to put to death sinful desires and to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord.
WE DENY that the grace of God in Christ is insufficient to forgive all sexual sins and to give power for holiness to every believer who feels drawn into sexual sin.

(Erik Thoennes, Donna Thoennes, JP Moreland, and Dave Talley is the church even a part of this?  Is sanctification just an individual experience? Isn’t the Church suppose to be a part of this process?  This is so dangerous to make someone who struggles with homosexuality deal with this between themselves and God. This is so much more complex than a systematic theology statement.)

 Article 14 - Christ Jesus has come into the world to save sinners and that through Christ’s death and resurrection, forgiveness of sins and eternal life are available to every person who repents of sin and trusts in Christ alone as Savior, Lord, and supreme treasure.
WE DENY that the Lord’s arm is too short to save or that any sinner is beyond his reach.

(Why didn’t you guys bring up the Church?  Is there no responsibility on the Church? Do you not see how this is going to have major implications on Christians that struggle with homosexuality?  Do you see how you guys put all the weight on someone who struggles with homosexuality to deal with this by themselves?  What happened to carrying your brother's burdens?  Feed my sheep? Is the church the hands and feet of Christ?  Do you think repenting of homosexual sins is the thing that will save them from their sin?  From a “lifestyle.”  Do you think we need more than just a personal relationship with God? Was I made to be alone with God?  Was it good for Adam to be alone with God?  If it wasn't good for him, why are you making me be alone?

Overall, do you guys not see that you pursued Truth without love? 

You used one hand to say “Stop, that's sin!”

and used your other hand to hide behind your back so you wouldn’t have to reach out and say,

“Please, come be a part of my life.  Let me be God’s hands and feet in your life.

 Let me be the person God will use to help you with your burdens.

Let me be the person who will hold you at night as you cry and mourn over this heavy burden.  

Let me be the person to hold your hand as you long for healthy same sex intimacy.

 Let my hand help you up when you fall.  

Let my hand be the hand that is holding a phone as you call and give me an update about your day to day life.

Let this hand be the hand that opens the door to my house as you stop by because you are family.”

Do you guys not see you just shut us out so you can say the “TRUTH?”

You wrote 14 articles, one of these articles couldn’t say one thing about the Church letting go of the idol of marriage and helping a fellow brother out?

I wonder if this statement should be applied to you guys.

"Woe to you theologians, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry and you won't lift one finger to help them." - Jesus  

This is serious stuff now.  The church and its leaders need to stop speaking for truth if it has no agenda to lift one finger to help.  

You wrote one statement, write one more about the Church being the hands and feet of Christ and talk about some practicalities now of walking alongside someone who struggles with homosexuality.  

Stop hiding behind systemic theology and use your hands to do something. Be practical now. Meet our needs and let us be a part of your lives. (look up the www.the4tsandthechurch.com)

Christians struggling with homosexuality are dying over here and you are just concerned about being right.  

Please, stop it now.  Change the story. Open up your homes and lives.  

Imagine if you guys wrote a couple of practical statements like, "Christians, we would be blessed to open up our homes, give our time, give those who struggle with homosexuality some good godly intimacy. Let's figure out what their daily needs are and pursue them."

The reactions to this Nashville Statement would be a whole different story.  You would have challenged hearts and inspired hearts. Instead, you drew a line and said, " Which side are you on?" And you forgot these statements that you apparently need to make on social media will effect my life and other Christians like me. 
I am not bitter, I am just a little angry, hurt, and afraid.

Afraid I will live under the umbrella of the idol called marriage that is controlling Church and I will be a second class person like I already am.

We just want to follow Jesus too! But you keep pushing us aside.

Why Gay Marriage is good for the Church

Why Gay Marriage is Good for the Church

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy, and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. - Jesus

In the last decade, or since the beginning of the sexual revolution in America, Evangelicals have fought for a definition of marriage they believe is historically rooted in the Christian tradition dating back to the Apostles.  

This became a culture war.  

A social political war that would define a Christian.  

As states defined marriage, courts overruling them, states approving of gay marriage, and the Supreme Court then making a national law, the Church felt like it lost a war for what true marriage was.  

As someone who grew up in the Church, went to Biola, and goes to an evangelical Church, 90% of the topics of homosexuality revolved around how sinful gay sex is, how it went against scripture, how gays are gross, how God hated fags, how marriage is between a man and a woman, how great straight marriage was, how great straight sex was, how great and intimate sex is, and how “God will judge our country for all the fags out there having sex.”

How they are wrong and we are right.

The 10% was if you struggle with homosexuality, you should trust in God, pray, be faithful to his word, fight your temptation, learn how to be single for life, because it is better to cut your hand off than for your whole body to be thrown into the lake of fire, really how it is better to cut your penis off so your whole body doesn't get thrown into the lake of fire.

Because one of the worse sins is gay sex.

and embrace this lonely struggle because that is your cross and God will reward you if you make it.

That was how the topic of homosexuality has been talked about in the Church.  

That is how Christians gave a tenth of their spices, their mint, dill, and cumin.  

That is how they followed the law.  

That is how they loved their brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality.

and that is still how they love their brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality.  

and this is precisely why many Christians who struggle with homosexuality become gay affirming and live a “gay lifestyle,” or really find a place to get their human needs met, although I am also arguing that sexual needs or not human needs.  Those are wants.  

The Church has not given, justice, mercy, and hasn’t been faithful or given fidelity to us Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

Christians have only been giving their spices,

not justice, mercy, and faithfulness

And so, why is Gay marriage good for the Church?

Because if we really want to save people from this sinful life that will lead them to hell, then we have to do way more than what we are doing now.

We have to redefine “our family” into the biblical New Covenant Christ-like definition of family.

If we want to fulfill the commands of Jesus and the Apostles, we need to actually follow the Scriptures.  

The same scriptures that say homosexual sex is a sin, are the same scriptures that say the family isn’t as important anymore.  

The Church family is more important.  

The same scriptures that say sin leads to death,

are the same scriptures that say “you are the hands and feet of Christ.”

The same scriptures that say stand up for truth,

are the same scriptures that say, “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”

The same scriptures that record Jesus saying, “let no man separate what God has put together (referencing man and women)

are the same scriptures that record Jesus saying,

“You can’t be a follower of mine if you don’t hate your mother, father, wife, husband, sister, even your own life.”

“My brothers and sisters are those that do the father's will”

“You will be like the angels in Heaven who are not married.”

and from the Apostle Paul - “It is better for the sake of the Kingdom you are not married…..live as if you are no longer married.”

Gay marriage is good for the Church because it is making us rethink, reread, and question our hearts, our agendas, our willingness to sacrificially give and walk with our brothers and sisters who struggle with this.

This may mean we need more single men and women in the Church.

This may mean we need more families to open up their homes and ask other Christians to live with them.

This may mean we need to value friendship and keep friendships in holy covenants.

This may mean we need to start valuing and teaching and creating a space for the gift of celibacy for straight Christians so this gift can finally demonstrate the power and resurrection of our God and how it benefits the Church. 

This may mean those that are dating need to be more aware of how that changes their friendships and community. 

Have we been too concerned about being right and following parts of the letters of the scripture over helping and meeting the needs of our brothers and sisters who struggle with homosexuality in PRACTICAL REAL LIFE WAYS?

I created the 4TS and the Church so Christians can actually meet the needs of those that struggle with homosexuality.

I want to keep talking about touch, time, transparency, and teamwork because that is what we simply need.

So to my family,

To the Church,

To the married Christians,

To those I am in an eternal covenant with,

A covenant more profound than your marriage,

A heavenly and earthly union we are in that surpasses your temporary earthly union,

Ask yourself, can you possibly be one of these teachers of the law or Pharisees that Jesus is addressing?

Can you be partially fulfilling the law but missing the more important parts of the law?

The parts of the law of Christ that say bring justice - standing up for Christians in need of love and care from same sex friends in the Church, these Christians that are being ignored.

The parts of the law of Christ that say have mercy - giving mercy to Christians that will require you to step out of your comfort zone to meet their deep needs of touch, time, transparency, and teamwork.

The parts that say show faithfulness - being faithful to those that struggle with homosexuality in friendship, in being there for them, letting them be there for you, investing in deeper community and fidelity with them.  Remembering that they deserve committed brotherhood and sisterhood. They are important too just as your spouse and children are.  

As Jesus told the religious community,

“Can you practice the latter of meeting the needs in practical ways of those that struggle with homosexuality without neglecting the latter of standing up for the Truth?

To my family, let's stop talking about how gay marriage is sinful if we are not going to be living sacrificially for Christians who struggle with homosexuality.  

If the Church is going to make defending the definition of marriage the main priority and if it is going to make marriage into an idol,

the church will lose the war of loving and meeting the needs of Christians that struggle with homosexuality.  

So, Gay marriage is good for the Church because it will make the Church focus on what is more important in its mission, being the hands and feet of Jesus who meets the needs of humans.  

Besides, the Church is here to stay on earth until the return of Christ, so it will eventually meet the needs of Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

The question is, are we going to be the age of the Church that doesn’t meet the needs and just stands for truth, or will your children or their children finally solve this issue?  

And if they solve it, then be ready to answer Jesus on why we didn’t care for the important parts of his message.  

Let's give touch, time, transparency, and teamwork to Christians that struggle with Homosexuality.

Let’s show the world what true intimacy is.  Let’s show them that Church intimacy in the New Covenant of Christ is more intimate and pleasurable than sexual relationships.

Want to support Richard going part time for the 4TS and the Church?

About 2 years ago I created a website called the 4TS and the Church.  The website is about The 4TS and the Church which are Touch, Time, Transparency, Teamwork and how Christians can practically care for other Christians who struggle with homosexuality.  

I created this site because I saw a fixable problem within the Church.  The Church wants to help Christians that struggle with homosexuality, but it doesn’t have a clue on how to do that and sometimes it ends up doing more damage than good, sometimes life threatening damage.

Since the topic of gay marriage seemed to be one of the main priorities of Churches in the last decade, it sort of forgot what was more important,

Loving and meeting the needs of its own that are in the church that struggles with homosexuality. 

Now that Gay marriage is legal, many churches are becoming gay affirming, and Christians that at one point struggled with homosexuality, are now accepting a gay identity. 

The Church sort of seems like it is losing.

It has been a rough couple of years. 

But now this is where the 4TS comes in. 

In my life, I have been blessed to have male friends go above and beyond “normal” friendship to meet the very complex needs that are in my life because I struggle with homosexuality. 

There have been ups and downs and lessons that have taught me very important truths about society, the Church, sin, redemption, and what it means to be a Christian that struggles with Homosexuality. 

And those truths get summed up within the 4TS and the Church. 

A couple of years ago at Biola University a group of gay affirming students started a community that was putting pressure on Biola to change its stance on gay relationships.  The editor in Chief of the Biola Chimes covered this group, but she also covered my story.

Here is the story.  Please read it.

http://chimes.biola.edu/story/2013/may/09/biola-student-same-sex-struggles/

She was such a good listener of my experience being a Christian who struggled with homosexuality she was able to identify 3 words my friends gave to me that were very important to me.

TOUCH, TIME, and TRANSPARENCY.

As passion started to build within me for the Church to actually be a place where Christians who struggled with homosexuality can get their needs met,  I wanted to start something for heterosexual Christians who want to help Christians that struggle with homosexuality.  A place where Christians can finally say, “Oh, I can practical meet the needs of another brother or sister who struggles with homosexuality. I don’t have to vaguely “love them,” I can actually love them, care for them. Give them the godly, healthy intimacy they need.“

This site isn’t directly for those who struggle with homosexuality, but I know it does help them. 

But my passion is for the “straight church.”  The Christian communities that want to get their hands and knees dirty and actually love and offer deep intimacy for those that struggle with homosexuality.  And it will get tough.  Caring for a Christian who struggles with homosexuality isn't a walk in the park. See it as you being Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord and you end up getting hurt in the process, but this hurt increases your faith and trust in God. 

I thought of the importance of TOUCH, TIME, TRANSPARENCY, and TEAMWORKand how these 4TS gave me hope that I can be a Christian who struggles with homosexuality and have my deep longing for male intimacy met in healthy godly ways.

I can still be a part of the church and care for the Church as the Church cares me.

It is my home.

Since I have started this site, it has been taking off.  I receive emails every other day.  People from Italy, France, South Africa, Australia, and of course the United States.   I have been able to talk to 3 churches and a men's small group (all that attended that group struggled with homosexuality) about the 4TS. 

Even though these words seem so simple, I actually dive into the very complex realities of these words.  For some Christians, the 4TS will be very challenging, sacrificial, it may show them their own selfishness, and for some, it might bring up pain and sadness in their own lives as they realize they may be lacking the 4TS in their life, even if they don’t struggle with homosexuality. 

I talk about how long periods of touch from men are important and healthy for a Christian like me, so we have to talk about touch.  Ways to touch, experience touch.

I talk about wow quality time is important.  This gets complicated because we then have to talk about how Christians use their time, especially when it comes to marriage and family. 

We talk about transparency. Spiritual and emotional transparency, and the most complex, physical transparency.  I talk about the importance of the locker room experience and how humans need to be known physically in nonsexual ways.  It is this area of conversation that we talk about what it means to be attracted to another same sex peer.

And I talk about how helping those who struggle with homosexuality needs to be done with teamwork or church community.  To some extent, everyone needs teamwork.  Even married folks.

The 4TS will stretch some Christians and take them to very uncomfortable areas they haven't been before.

Some of the blogs I have written are very detailed in regards to what same sex attraction is and how the desire of wanting to have sex with your friends actually plays out in my mind and why it does. 

Christians do not always have the most accurate understanding of this sin or fallen nature.  It isn’t just a sexual perversion, but a lack of communication on how Christians that struggle with deep same sex intimacy bond with the Church.

I have been able to do some writing, podcasting and one video.  Since then the site is becoming a little well known!

Here are a couple of emails I have received from readers and listeners

"Dear Richard,

Hey, I just stumbled across your blog and read a couple of your posts. As a college student who also struggles with homosexuality, I'm really thankful for your honesty and transparency. I've read a number of blogs, watched tons of videos, and listened to some podcasts, but your blog is the first I've seen to present such a unique solution to helping SSA guys in the church. I've never considered that it's actually alright (and even biblical) to seek affirmation/ affection from another man (especially physically!). I've always distanced myself from any situation that would involve physical intimacy with other men for fear of intensifying my homosexual desires and adding another scenario for me to later sexualize and fantasize over. My greatest desire has always been to just be "one of the bros," to engage in physical and emotional intimacy in a non-sexual way. Reading your blog has really encouraged me that my desire could become a reality.

That being said, if you're willing to respond, I had a few questions regarding this viewpoint and your thought process:
Do you find yourself only seeking help from guys you consider attractive? Would you ever ask for a hug from an unattractive man? Why/ why not?
Would you ever seek confirmation from a man who also struggles with homosexuality? Why/ why not?
How do you not sexualize/fantasize about physical closeness with another guy? Does it get easier the more you do it? Do you ask God for help?
Do you ever feel convicted about your interactions with other men? Do you ever feel like you went too far with someone?

Here is another email

I'm currently 49 years old. I am a mostly same sex attracted Christian man who grew up with a great father and mother. I had my first experiences of the locker room when I was 30 years old. I guess the thing I had feared the most all through high school and college was the very thing I had needed. Since then I've had many great experiences with men in all the 4Ts, but especially in transparency. One thing I try to get across to people is that pursuing transparency and the locker room is not only valid but important; even something to be excited about. It is basically filling in a gap left in lots of men's lives regardless of how they experience attraction.

I believe in traditional morality and sexuality from a Christian point of view. But I also believe men need other men and they need a comfortable and safe place to let their hair down and be intimate with room for awkwardness and goofups. The lockers provide this. I wish more OSA men knew the power they had in this regard. They could initiate tons of healing by creating experiences where SSA men could enter into to real communion. The locker room when approached naturally has such normalizing effects.

It's important to note that the 4Ts don't manifest the same way in every friendship. I have one friend for instance, I have some friends who are more Time or Touch, but not both. I have others who are mostly just one T to me. And one of my closest friends, the guy I do art with, is all 4Ts all the time.

And in closing, a quick message for you OSA/straight male friends. Thanks so much guys for being open and vulnerable. Thanks for your invitations to do life and intimacy. Thanks for seeing people like us as possibilities for friendship and not people to push to the edge. And thanks for sharing the 4Ts with us. You guys are the best!


I can't tell you how happy I was to hear the podcast on transparency.  I'm sure you are inundated with emails so I'll try not to be a bother, but if you or your podcast mates would ever want to share stories or hear mine I'd love to meet you guys. I realize it would be an email or social networking scenario, but I'm open to sharing. Also, for the record, I don't see men as gay or straight, just as men.

One more email

Hi Richard!

I just found out about your blog/site and have listened to a couple of the podcasts.  I totally relate to what you and the other guys are saying.   The 4 t's make so much sense.  It's really cool you have straight guys also speaking and sharing.  I'm an ssa guy who is 56 and only "came out" back in 2012 when my ex-wife left me.  I've had attractions to men since I was a teen but back then it was totally NOT ok to mention them at all." - (identity hidden)

Richard-
I came across your blog through Facebook and "Your Other Brothers" yesterday.
I listen to the podcast on the locker room and read through your writings.
I am 59 years old and it has taken me to this age to understand all the things you correctly share about ssa, men and the church. It has been a lonely journey for me.
I have always had ssa...had counseling for it... got married...raised a family...stayed married..never have been with a man...yet the attractions have remained. I am a Christian and have been active in the church and in a serious relationship with Jesus all my life. You are the first Christian guy that I have come across that speaks like he knows the me inside.
It was refreshing and encouraging for me to review your blog. It is like you know the me I keep hidden because it seems no one of my generation gets it.
Thank you for your transparency and courage to speak up with such directness (older Christian)


So...

 I can’t keep up with the writing, podcasting, videos and the many more creative ideas I have to give the church the necessary tools to love those that struggle with homosexuality because I work full time and have two other part time jobs.

I have been wondering for the last year if I should do this full time or part time. 

And now, I know I need to try this as least part time for at least 9 months. 

And I can only do this with the support of the Church, my friends, my brothers, and sisters. 

My desire is to cut my full-time job hours in half, do less valet, and stop being an uber driver in order to give 20 hours a week to this site and make this into something bigger and useful. 

I am hoping for at least 50 people to be committed to giving 30 dollars a month for 9 months starting in September and ending in May.  If I actually get more support than needed, I may go full time.

I will be reporting to 2 friends of mine. 

Matthew Hooper, who is the Dean of Students at Biola and walks alongside many men and women who struggle with homosexuality.  And my friend Kolby Atchison who is an Assistant Principal at a private school in Wheaton who has walked alongside me and has contributed intellectual dialogue, advice, and constructive criticism on how to improve the 4TS website and content.

And really, I talk to most of my friends about the 4TS so I am surrounded by many men and women who are always interested in how the site is going. So I have a lot of support and accountability taking place concerning this already.

At the end of the 9 months, I want to reevaluate the 4TS and the Church and see where it will be. 

If I should continue this or not.

Within the 9 months I want to create different content that explains the 4TS, hold at least 2 small conferences with Pastors and Church leaders,  write, and podcast more, especially with pastors and professors and start networking with Churches and Christian Professors to help them incorporate the 4TS into their church culture and lives. 

The reasons this will take a lot of time is because the 4TS is counter cultural.  There are a lot of conversations that need to take place in order for churches to understand homosexuality in a better way than just a sex sin.

Topics of friendship and marriage need to take place.

Topics about the human body need to take place.

It gets complicated and so this needs to be done well. 

I don’t assume God is behind this, but I pray and hope God blesses this.  With the amount of traffic and emails I am receiving, it seems to be touching many men. 

So I am asking you if you will be willing to journey with me on this. 

But there is a catch, I don’t want you to just donate and hope for this success.  I want you to be a part of it. 

I want you to write at least 4 blogs throughout the 9 months concerning each particular T.  It can be however long or short you want it to be and I will guide you on what would be the best topics to talk about when you write.  The reason for this is that I want the 4TS and the Church to be talked about, debated on, shared with as many Christians as possible. 

I want to use social media as one of my main platforms, but I would love for the Church to be the main platform for this conversation. 

The 4TS will only be successful if people take it to their local churches and bring it up, talk about it, teach it, discuss it, debate it, etc.

I will publish your specific blog post on the site and social media.

This is all I got for you right now.  If you decide you want to support me for 30 dollars (or more) for 9 months, please email me your concerns, questions, challenges etc.  I want to hear anything you have to say.

This is serious stuff.  I’m not just raising money to pay my bills and be lazy.  I realize the importance and potential of this conversation and the need the Church has for something like this.  I plan on contacting every Pastor and Christian Professor in the So-hcal area during the 9 months. 

Many people are killing themselves over this, getting diseases over this, crying in agony at night alone over this, accepting a gay identity over this. 

I want that to change.  I want the Church to be a place where humans who have deep same sex longings can actually experience that in healthy Christian brotherly and sisterly ways. 

I want the church to offer them TOUCH, TIME, TRANSPARENCY, and TEAMWORK. 

“Many men who have high same-sex needs eventually decide: “Being in the gay lifestyle is better than being in the church, Because in the gay life, you go into a bar and everyone hugs and kisses you. You go to a church, you don't get hugged and kissed by anyone. Some of them, the more artistic, the more politically astute, or maybe the more sensitive ones will do it......Christians are talking heads or praying heads. They can't get down to where you really need to be. Your skin is your largest organ in your body and they are afraid of it. They are afraid to touch, they are afraid to love, they are afraid to sacrifice, afraid to get messy. “Oh my god, what do you mean it's going to take 10 years for you to get better? I don't have time that kind of time.” So the gay life appears to be a whole lot more love, acceptance, and laughter.”- Tim Timmerman, A Bigger World Yet.

For those of you that have decided you can support me, I created a PayPal account that you can donate monthly too.

I asked those who want to support me if they can donate 30 dollars for 9 months from September to May.  

Here is the account email for PayPal the4tsandthechurch@gmail.com

If you are not comfortable with making a transaction through PayPal just email me back your concerns.  We can work out another method for your donation.  I would like to keep all the transactions in one account so I can keep track of it for taxes (that's right, I’m paying taxes for this) which is why I want to use PayPal.

Paypal is a safe monetary transaction company that my current job uses for its own transactions.  

If you feel comfortable donating to me please let me know if you haven’t already.

If you are comfortable, you can find the account on PayPal.  

If you can donate by the 15th of each month that would be great so I can know how much time I can invest in the 4TS before I add more valet shifts or Uber shifts to my life.

Again, thank you so much for the support you have given me.  It means a lot.

In the next week or two, I will be emailing you the specific plan I have on where I want to try to take the 4TS and the Church and how you can be involved as well.

I am excited for where this can go, hopefully, it can change the narrative of the Church and its relation to Christians who struggle with homosexuality.

Please email me if you have any questions, concerns, etc.

Your brother in Christ - Richard Padilla