The reason I am attracted to men or attracted to their masculinity is that I am intrigued by the male body. This experience is not just a sinful behavior of mine. God designed males and females with his beauty.
The list of beautiful male celebrities is long. We all know Chris Pratt is attractive. Brad Pitt. Scott Eastwood. And pointing out that men are attractive if you're a male doesn't mean it's gay.
And the beauty of a male doesn't just point out the aesthetic nature of their face.
It includes their body as well. All their body.
Philosopher Maxine Sheets-Johnstone wrote, "A male's body is not anatomized nor is it ever made into an object of study in the same way as female bodies."
The gay community has made the male body just that, an object, but an object that has not been studied but sexualized. When I experience nakedness with my friends, especially those I am attracted to, I can get to KNOW them and their bodies and not see them as objects. Can I choose to sexualize (Lust) them? Of course, but do I want to? No. I want to know them and accept them emotionally, physically, and spiritually as my brothers. I need to be accepted as well by them.
A friend of mine once gave me the experiences he had in the locker room that I had never had, which is why I thank him and my other friends that experienced this (locker room, spa, skinny dipping, etc.) form of friendship with me. I'm grateful they can give me that experience, an inner child need, and an adult acceptance that I belong to the guys. The world of men. They allow me to be part of the team, including the locker room. I am not treated as a vampire thirsty for a penis.
Let's talk about the penis; obviously, men have penises. Throughout world history, the penis has been perceived in many different ways. In Ancient Greece, a culture that stressed a high masculine role, having large sex organs was not ideal. Greece was a place that emphasized male self-control in sexuality. They saw large genitals as gross and ugly and were exiled to the lows of barbarians. The penis' that were huge were looked at as a penis absorbing all the sexual excess that the "civilized" Greek would not permit to have a place in his own self-conception."
Our culture does not see it like that. Males feel they need to be the big man in the locker room. Susan Bordo, who wrote what I think is a fantastic book on the male body, says, "But many men, like women, get their ideas about how big (penis size) they should be from the bodies of cultural icons. (porn, magazines like GQ, etc.)."
In her book, she wrote a great chapter called "Does size matter," and tackled many topics men struggle with. She mentioned one story where a young man pierced his penis to gain confidence about his penis size and said in the locker room that the attitude of "the big-size thing" develops in the locker room when you are a kid. The big dicked guys send out signals that say, "We're better, Were more masculine than you..." Because of this struggle, some guys increase their penis size by getting plastic surgery to feel more confident in themselves. This then begs the question, "Why do men identify so much of themselves with their penis?"
Think about it, men wake up and pee. We feel it when we sit down. When we play sports and get hit there, we see it when we change in the locker room or shower. We have morning wood. We are afraid we can get an erection in public. We have to make sure when we are having sex or about to have sex, we are prepared and ready to have an erection. We must ensure we please a girl and are firm and the right size for her. We must be more significant than the next guy in the locker room to avoid being made fun of. I can go on and on about the standards of what a 21st-century penis should be and do. Bordo says, "We live in a culture that encourages men to think of themselves as their penises, a culture that still conflates male sexuality with something we call "potency" and that gives men little encouragement to explore the rest of their bodies."
Whenever I go to the spa with my friends, especially the guys I am attracted to, they are vulnerable to me. I am with them, especially with all the cultural standards we must adhere to. To experience nakedness with a buddy to me is faithful and brave. Interestingly, according to our culture, the idea of what a penis should be is that it should be hard and big. Bordo says,
"Most of our metaphors for penises are...stiff torpedoes, wands, and rods that never get soft, always perform. These metaphors may be a defense against fears of being too soft, physically and emotionally.....they(metaphors) also set up for failure. For men don't really have torpedoes or rods or heroic avengers between their legs. They have penises. And penises, like the rest of the human body, feel things.....The penis knows, too, that is it not a torpedo, no matter what a culture expects of it or what drugs are coursing through its blood vessel."
Men are given this idea we need to be tough, we need to be hard, we need to be powerful, and we need to be bigger. With how often we think about our penis and experience it, how can we not attribute being hard, tough, big, etc, to our penis? But a small, soft penis, that is a wimpy penis. It is not manly.
Nonerect, the penis can give a sense of vulnerability, fragility, and security. The penis is not always big, tough, and hard. The penis is not just soft, it is really soft. When cold, it shrinks up. And when I experience nakedness with my buddies, and they are soft, small, nonerect, I'm experiencing them, I'm experiencing their bodies. I'm experiencing them being vulnerable with me. There is a risk I can make fun of them. They can make fun of me, I have a bigger penis than some of my friends, and some have a bigger penis than me. It is what it is. And if we accept each other and our bodies, it will help many men overcome many bigger insecurities in their life. They will not use women's bodies for their own insecurities.
I get incredibly annoyed when men boast confidence because they get a girlfriend. Stand side by side with another male naked without comparing your body and feeling you need to be bigger down there to be more of a man, then I will consider you strong, tough, big, and hard.
We need to learn to be comfortable with our bodies. I needed to learn that. Instead of trying to be like my attractive friends, who have better bodies than me, I need to know to accept my body. That has been the lesson I have had to learn regarding my masculinity. I hope my friends accept me and help me pursue the way I can be a man, and I hope I can help them pursue ways they can be a man.
What is interesting about Bordo is that she is a female sociologist who wrote about the male body and researched how men identify themselves with their bodies. She brought up an experiment that an evolutionary biologist did concerning women and what they think of the penis, and what he concluded was interesting. He reported that women, when it comes to the sight of the penis, are not really attracted to it. "The ones really fascinated by the penis and its dimensions are men. In the showers in men's locker rooms, men routinely size up each other's endowment."
What are some conclusions we can learn from our culture? Our culture wants us to define ourselves by our penis. And when we do and don't meet the standards that the media, porn, and others set, we feel like we fail. We are not big enough. So we hide. We hide from our wives, our friends, and ourselves. We are not okay with our bodies. Also, according to Greif, we can conclude some friendships are maintained at a physical and emotional distance because men fear emotional and physical closeness, which they can link to homosexuality. Because of this, some men can develop shallow friendships. Greif mentions that although men bond through sports, they hit each other, and there is more physical contact, it doesn't mean deep emotional friendships are formed.
When I go to the spa with friends, I experience the opposite. I feel accepted, known, and vulnerable. I also accept and give my friends affirmation by not making fun of their bodies. Once, I was with my friend Jack and my buddy Dave. Dave commented that his penis was smaller than the average size, and Jack said he had a good size. Now, this might be fun and even sound "gay," but what better way to lift a man's self-esteem and perception of his body than by complimenting him? Instead of using girls to make himself better, a friend said one encouraging statement that can go a long way for him and his confidence.
Men don't be afraid of other men. Be vulnerable with other men. Don't make excuses. Accept your nakedness (spiritually, physically, and emotionally) as well as the nakedness of your friends. It's not gay, but Christ-like. And that is why experiencing nakedness with friends, spiritual, emotional, or physical, is healthy. It mainly pushes us toward the love of Jesus.
Now I understand a question like this, "Richard if you are attracted to men and lust after men, is it healthy to be naked with them?" That is a good and important question. I know men want to avoid lustful situations, so men stay away and "flee from the devil." So now I ask this question, what happens when the community a man needs to be a part of includes men he is attracted to? Does he move on? Go to a different church? What if he is drawn to the pastor? And the pastor's good looks cause him to lust? Should he leave the church? Some can tell me, "Richard, why must you be naked with your friends? Why do you need to see their penis?" And then they bring themselves into the picture and say, "When I struggle with lust after a girl, I leave the scene or ask her to wear something that is not so "open" (I'm sure you get my point now).
I want to stress that a guy who struggles with lusting after women can go to a community of guys and talk to them about it and not worry about whether or not they feel comfortable about his lust for women because they all understand that. And that is a healthy, loving, and godly environment. And I believe those attracted to their male friends should have that same environment.
I don't have the option to run away from a situation because the same community I am in includes attractive men. Instead of running away from them, I run to them. I do that because these men are God's hands and feet in my life. And so I need to see and experience God's love through them. And as I do that, I no longer see them as sexual objects but as my brothers, my friends! Seeing them naked and being with them naked gives me the experience of being known, knowing them, and allows me to not lust after them but see them as they are, my brothers. It also solves the curiosity of their physical being. As I experienced nakedness with them, my attraction for them went away. I believe that happened because I was able to know them in a better and healthier way. I call this "locker room bonding." I do this because I can't just run away from every Christian guy I am attracted to. I need to deal with saying no to the sinful unhealthy desires in my life. And it hurts, and it is painful. But I need to do this because I will live with men and be in a community with them my whole life. I need to deal with the fact that it is sinful to lust after men.
This process is called sanctification. And it burns. It takes the sinfulness out of us. C. S. Lewis says something that refers to this process, "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character. Here again, we come up against what I have called the "intolerable compliment."
I have a hard time when men want women to wear specific clothing so they do not lust after them. Now the girls should be thinking about their Christian brothers, but guys need to grow a pair of balls and learn to say no to their lustful hearts. Trust me, I know it hurts, but you have to do this. It is a command from God. Don't start putting your burden of lust on women by having them change clothes. You need to change your heart, say no to it, and trust that God will provide you with what you need. Again. C. S. Lewis tackles this, "We may wish, indeed, that we were of so little account to God that He left us alone to follow our natural impulses- that He would give over trying to train us into something so unlike our natural selves; but once again, we are asking not for more love, but for less."
When I lived in the dorms at Biola, I would see attractive guys with their shirts off every day. I would see naked guys every day. And I realized I needed to say no to the lust in my heart and see these guys for who they were, my Christian brothers, my friends, children of God, and men. That is the higher calling God has for those who struggle with homosexuality. God wants to transform us into his perfect art.
Here are some writings from friends of mine that experience regular times of nakedness with me and their thoughts about it.
Scott, how is being friends with Richard as you experience physical nakedness with him?
Being naked around other men may not be a typical experience for every man in the US. Still, I would think it isn't something farfetched for a good portion of the male population. Most boys that grow up playing sports, spending time at summer camps, and male dormitories at college experience nude settings as a norm. Setting such as these may include locker rooms, communal showers, and even innocent pranks. For me being naked around other men is quite normal, even though as I get older, these settings are becoming rarer. None of this changes with Richard being in the room. He is just one of the guys. Over the years, he has earned my trust with loyal friendship. I understand that Richard did not have the same experience growing up as I had, but I like to point out that he is still a man. I can be naked around Richard because he is a man that I trust. - Scott
Kyle, how is it being friends with Richard as you experience physical nakedness with him?
It's been a journey and a learning experience. I'm not even sure I'm doing it right, but I know that God sees my heart, that I love this friend and want him to feel whole. Concerning physical nakedness, I was first very hesitant. Not so much because of insecurity about my body but because the idea of being naked with someone with same-sex attractions was counter-intuitive. But Richard was a major catalyst for me to challenge my thought process, as he does with many issues besides same-sex attraction. Was it counter-intuitive due to a cultural, social format I was brought up to believe? Was it Holy Spirit driven? What if this harmed him? made things "worse"? But what if there was good that came about from this? Would the benefit outweigh the harm? With many other issues I have wrestled over, I have sought the counsel of my trusted mentors. But I knew this was not like any issue they had faced before, so I was on my own.
The question kept ringing in my mind, what is my part in helping my good friend with his particular needs? It can not be denied that intimacy is an essential part of human interaction and enjoyable life. And intimacy can be met in varying ways, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. With my other male friends, we have, in a sense, found some intimacy with one another on all these levels. But the aspect of physical intimacy in question has been limited. At most, we joke about it and do stupid things like moon one another or flash each other (friends do this when they are comfortable with each other in very safe and secure settings)... There may be some merit to the saying, "guys will be guys." But anyways, I digress. I have never been fully naked with any of my male friends, let alone intentionally fulfill a specific need. We know that there are healthy intimacy and unhealthy intimacy. The question of what is healthy vs. unhealthy intimacy was the critical issue. And once I found healthy intimacy, why not explore that with Richard? It was difficult for me to see that line. But there was something inherently different from giving a guy a blowjob versus spending time together naked as friends talking about life. And of course, an inherent factor in this situation is that I did not have same-sex attractions. Yes, there's physical nakedness, but it was more than that.
After deciding to experience physical nakedness with Richard, I concluded that it was a healthy vulnerability that came about. It can meet the needs of friends who may struggle with a flawed view of nakedness only in the context of unhealthy sex. And this, I mean, also applies to those with heterosexual attractions, with unhealthy sexual desires. These were some of the many thoughts that ran into the mind, and yes, as one can tell, there are still holes in these thought processes. But I was unwilling to wait until every hole was patched up while my friend was hurting. - Kyle
Here is a text message from a friend as he was processing how we need each other’s bodies.
I gets to the heart of what I am saying. I need my friends. I need their penis. I need to know I am a man with them and they are a man with me.
This inner child and adult need for male affirmation is key.
Once I know I am in, there is nothing left to prove.