One of the most difficult situations to be in as a Christian man who struggles with homosexuality is to be put in a box where you cannot express the passionate love you have for your guy friends.
Many Christians still think homosexuality has to do with just sinful desires, but many don’t realize the deeper issue is men like me are trying to figure out how to be connected to our Christian brotherhood.
We are trying to connect in a healthy “normal” way. Our desire to connect with our friends in a sexual way isn’t pure lust, but mixed in with love and deep Christian brotherhood.
We see the potential of how far friendship could go, but because the various factors contributing to our same sex sexual attraction, it is sometimes difficult to express that love.
And we want to passionately love our brothers. We want to be deeply connected to them and be a part of their life and have them be a part of our life.
Most friends in my life I consider attractive. I can write books about why they are attractive emotionally, spiritually, socially, and physically.
Where I’m at in my journey with same sex attraction is that I know I have bad lustful desires of having intimacy with my male friends and I have good godly desires of having intimacy with my male friends.
There is a split in me. God isn't redeeming me to be attracted to women, he is redeeming me to love my male friends and see them the correct way.
My sinful way of expressing my love for my friends is by wanting to show them passion through giving them hand jobs or blowjobs. Giving them anything they want without boundaries and making sure they are first in my life instead of putting the Kingdom of God first. I want to make sure they can have all the pleasures in the world without consequences. I want to experience sex with them and experience their heart beating rapidly as they are having an orgasm. I want to experience passionate lust with them.
I also want to passionately love my guy friends the way Jesus loves the Church.
Whenever I watch a soccer game I start to build up envy in my heart because I get to see these men on a team love on each other passionately whenever a goal occurs.
They are running all over the field. Hustling and battling as a team against the opposing team to score a goal. They are sweating, breathing hard, physically using their bodies to defend, attack and out play the other team. They know how each other work, they know who is fast, slow, and who can be there as they make the play to achieve the goal of scoring. They are yelling at each other, encouraging each other, trusting each other, building on top of each other’s hard work to make the play work and when it happens, when they score that goal, they celebrate that victory by jumping all over each other, kissing each other, hugging each other, experiencing the passion of victory and teamwork as they celebrate that goal. They don’t care they are sweaty, smelly, tired. They care about affirming their effort and teamwork through a passionate celebration.
I hope friendship can be like this one day. I hope men like me can express the healthy passion building up in us. I hope men like men can be accepted as normal men just wanting to connect with our fellow brothers in a deeper way than what the world understands.
Society allows passion to be expressed daily through art, cooking, sports, and most importantly romantic relationships, especially sexuality.
The church, in my experience, only allows passion to be allowed through sex, marriage, dating relationships, etc.
Can the Church start encouraging friends to show their passionate love for each other?
Can it teach passionate love of friendship is deep, meaningful, covenantal, and eternal?
Men like me, who have to separate our sinful passions and godly passion for friends, need an outlet for this godly passion we have. We were made to love and be loved. We are being re-created to love others the way Jesus loves the Church.
We need to be told yes about our passion rather than be put in a box and stored up for the coming of Christ.
If we can't express our passionate love for our friends, we will be trapped and be indirectly told our love, our being, our lives, our existence doesn't really matter.
The gay community is saying you can express that love by being in a romantic relationship. You can get married, have passionate sex together, and tell each other how much you love each other.
But I know that is sinful passion it teaches.
But I guess the next question is, Does the Church even want people like me to express this godly passion of friendship?
Would the church even accept it?
Will it only allow passion to happen through marriage? We know sex is passionate love at it’s best. Two straight people coming together with their bodies and passionately making each other feel good as they touch each other and get to experience an orgasm together.
There must be more ways of experiencing passionate love beyond an orgasm though.
I have seen enough porn and sex scenes in movies to see how most humans get to express their passionate love for each other, but I rarely get to see friends express passionate love for each other.
Can I kiss my friends (on the cheek or forehead) and tell them how much I love them and long to be connected to them?
Can I give them five minute hugs and feel their heart beat and tell them how important they are to me?
Can I write them letters and call them Beloved the way the Apostle Paul did to his friends?
Can my heart beat heavily at the thought of making them enjoy life by serving them in any capacity I can?
Can I jump for joy at the thought of hanging out with them and going on adventurous trips with them and tell everyone how fun we had together?
Can I brag about my friendships and tell everyone how great they are?
Can I teach them the joy and hope of the Gospel of Christ through spending long amounts of time with them reading scriptures and encouraging them?
Can I make them dinner and plan extravagant events for their birthdays, achievements, job promotions?
Can I mourn with them in sackcloth and ashes, and spend a week with them in silence as they ask, “why the fuck am I going through this?”
Can I show my friends Passion?
Can the Church allow this type of Passion?
Can the Church teach me how to love my friends with Passion?