As we were talking and having an intimate experience of friendship on the beach, I found my heart wanting more. I wanted to give my friend a hand job or blowjob. I was inclined to express my love for my friend in a sexual way that can make him feel good and feel loved.
This happens on a weekly basis. Sometimes daily basis.
It isn’t anything new. This is the walk of carrying a certain cross.
I pray God will take this desire away from me, but he doesn’t. So I just deal with it. Jesus is daily telling me I don't have to follow him. "You don't have to carry this cross," he says. "You need to count the cost before you decide to follow me. Don't complain either."
I tell most of my guy friends I have this desire to do something sexual with them whenever I do feel that longing in me. And they listen, pray for me, and still hangout with me. They carry the burden of my wanting to connect with them in ways that are sinful, but they also understand that I want to connect with them in deep godly ways.
As most Christians are debating gay affirming Christians on their theology, men like me are trying to figure out how to live under the tyranny of Idolized marriage or the Emperor called the orgasm.
As I have to listen to sermon after sermon on how great marriage is, how every example a pastor preaches is related to his marriage, how Jesus loves the church like a marriage, I am trying to deal with the fact that I can’t give my guy friends hand jobs or blowjobs.
And this is painful.
I feel the pain in my chest.
I feel the longing in me to connect with men in what feels natural to me, but God says it is wrong. It is disrespectful to him. To his creation. To what friendship is. I sit there and wonder, “Can I ever show my friends that I passionately love them?”
It is so annoying to hear what women say about men. Sometimes I feel like responding, “Hello! You can have sex with them! Fuckin calm down! Get over yourself. If you don’t want to be with them, no one is forcing you. You don’t have to get married.”
And this is the difference between those that struggle with homosexuality and those that don’t.
We are forced to be in community with people we are attracted too. And all our sexual longings we have towards men, these longing that we don’t chose, have to be controlled by us. There isn’t an outlet. This isn’t about an orgasm. It is about connecting a certain way that we are not allowed too.
Yea Heterosexual’s have to control who they want to have sex with, but they can eventually pursue those relationships. Those of us who struggle with homosexuality don’t get to do that.
It isn’t the same. Don’t compare both wants of sexual desire.
And this causes extreme dissonance within us. We are going crazy about this. This makes us do things that we don’t want to do. It makes us needy and trapped.
Sometimes I would rather die than deal with this dissonance.
I can be hanging out with a friend and all of a sudden I just want more in that situation. I want to touch him, experience him, express this deep passion in me that I love him. I want to give him pleasure. I want to give him a handjob, a blowjob, but I can't.
Imagine dating someone for two years before you get to have sex (for Christians that is an eternity), you get engaged, get married, but then you remember you can't have sex with them. Then you hear how they can still have sex with another person, but not you. That situation would suck right?
I think the correct response should be, "Fuck that!"
That is pretty similar to how us Side B Christians feel.
On top of it, we feel an indirect rejection because our guy friends don't want us to do something sexual with them anyways. Double burn. I used to wish I was a female so I can be wanted a certain way by men.
But there exist questions that someone is consistently asking me.
“Can you be transparent with my Church and share with them your sinful burden’s of wanting to give them hand jobs and blowjobs?”
“Can you grieve with them the heaviness of struggling with homosexuality?”
“Can you give up wanting an orgasm with them, and embrace the truth that it is a sinful desire?”
“Can you trust they will love you and take care of you as they include you in their family?”
“Can you trust not experiencing an orgasm with them doesn’t mean you are not connected to them in deep profound ways their marriage can’t offer?”
"Can you realize they are worth having in your life, despite this pain?"
“Can you be there for them as they talk to you about their marriage, sex issues, and good times of sex?”
“Can you look at them naked and not lust after them as you guys go skinny dipping and streaking?”
“Can you help them process dating, seeking my Kingdom first, being in their wedding, being okay with the lost of time you will experience as they get married?”
“Can you handle they will not be having sex with you, but they will be having sex with their wife?”
“Can you work on not getting jealous?”
“Can you handle they will at times idolize marriage, their family, and put you on the back burner and then come back to you because they finally understand you are important?”
“Can you forgive them, as I have forgiven you?”
“Can you be like the giving Tree”? ( I am not sure if the Giving Tree had good boundaries though)
“Can you make healthy boundaries and communicate your healthy needs and expectations and hold them to that?”
"Can you handle the topic of Singleness as the Evangelical Church avoids it?"
"Can you handle the church treating you like a child molester when I know you are not?"
"Can you trust my cross has brought justice to your situation and that I will settle this soon?"
“Can you cut off friendships that need to be cut off? Even if you want to have sex with them?”
“Can you love your guys friends you want to have sex with, want to give hand jobs too, blow jobs too, in a way I say you should love them?”
“Can you trust I am real, and I will meet your needs, and that you are in my Eternal Kingdom?”
“Can you speak against gay affirming theology and reject the unhealthy sinful nature you have and not give into your sinful desires?"
“Can you trust the pain you are experiencing cannot be compared to the glory you will experience when my Kingdom is fully present on Earth?”
“Richard, can you love your guy friends the way I love the Church?”
A lot of men who struggle with homosexuality avoid friends they are attracted too or avoid situations in which brotherhood occurs because they are afraid to deal with these heavy thoughts and desires. It causes to much pain. They end up losing out on great christian friendship.
My plea to the Church is you will pursue us and carry the burden with us that Jesus is asking us to carry.
This is really heavy for us, we need men and women that will hear our hearts, thoughts, longings, and still embrace us and not be afraid of us.
Give us a shoulder to cry on, a long five minute hug, a couch to sit by you on, a bed to share when we feel lonely, experiences of adventure and intimacy.
Please just help us, this burden is to much at times.
Sometimes it feels we are just trying to make it until the New Kingdom comes.