Teamwork: Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit…

“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.” (Ephesians 4:1-6).
 
Probably one of my favorite verses in the New Testament.
 
It’s Andrew again. After my previous post, my mind has continued to conjure what I wanted to write about next and I couldn’t leave the Teamwork perspective of the 4T’s.
 
Giving it thought, I realize why I love the teamwork aspect so much. Teams are about relationships. A team is a group of people, unified together by one goal, persevering with each other to obtain that goal.
 
What better way for the church to operate!
 
We all are in this fight together. The fight to build the Kingdom of God. It’s definitely no easy task on our own, let alone the amount of opposition the enemy will always throw our way. But has anyone ever heard of friendly fire?
 
Friendly fire is a dangerous thing. And as a team of Christians, too often we can let off rounds of friendly fire and not even know it. What am I eluding to? You can probably guess… Christian men who have a hard time being on the same team as a Christian man who deals with homosexual desires.
 
It’s unfortunate. I’ve experienced it first hand. I sat down with a staff member of the ministry I was a part of my second year in college to come clean with him. I told him I can’t handle same sex attractions AND call myself a Christian. Unfortunately, that time I sat down and talked to him was the last time I ever talked to him. He avoided the topic and avoided me as an individual at future meetings.
 
Trust me, I’ve forgiven the guy. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t.
 
So what does God call us to do? “[show] tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace…” So good. So true.
 
As a team all going for the same goal (the Kingdom of God), it is all too helpful to make sure your teammates are OK. There is nothing taboo about them because of their background. There is never any reason to avoid them because of their sin.
 
Be diligent to love one another. Especially your Christian brothers. This takes conscious effort – it won’t come naturally. But for men coming from a homosexual background, this effort can produce fruit tenfold.
 
Please. If you’re reading this and your straight. Know you have so much power simply loving a guy as a fellow brother in Christ.
 
If you’re reading this and you struggle with homosexuality, you CAN love a Christian brother. Chances are, he will probably love you back.
 
 As a church – the body of Christ – please, love your teammates. We don’t obtain the prize of Christ on our own. We must have people around us. Catching our blind spots. Going to bat for us. Loving us.

- Andrew

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Why do humans with a homosexual orientation commit suicide?

Why do humans with a homosexual orientation commit suicide, and why are they at higher risk of suicide than heterosexuals?

It is currently accepted by therapists, psychiatrists and public policymakers that rejecting one's sexual identity, especially one oreinted towards homosexuality, can lead to disastrous emotional and physical harm.

Since the American Psychiatric Association no longer considers homosexuality a mental disorder, it is alarming there still exists a high rate of homosexuals dealing with suicide, especially gay males.

Many humans with this orientation are still not "out," so accurate stats are hard to find since we might not know how many people who commit suicide are gay. But from accurate reports, many LGBTQ that are "out" still deal with suicide.

The gay community blames the shame that has been given to them by society for being attracted to the same sex. They say the rejection of one's sexual identity has disastrous emotional effects on a human, which can lead to suicide. The lack of social, religious, and interpersonal acceptance of homosexuality is still the cause of one not wanting to live in this type of environment.

And I agree

But I interpret the stats and research differently.

I affirm there exists a very harsh world for someone attracted to the same sex, especially for someone in a conservative religious community, aka a Christian Church.

Christians have passionately worked against the gay community and the gay community's want for political and moral acceptance to be in same-sex relationships. Even though Christians use the Bible to argue against them, most of this passion for speaking out against the gay community is not because of love or standing up for righteousness but out of fear of who they are.

Of who WE are.

I am sometimes amazed at why people are so passionate about a topic, especially if they are Christian.

As a Christian, seeking the Kingdom of God is our primary goal, and being a Christian (little Jesus) is our primary identity. Early Christians in the 1st century died for that identity. In Scripture, you do not see many verses talking about how important sexuality is to Christianity. You see how one should be willing to die for the name and teaching of Jesus.

But we have an issue here.

Many Homosexuals are still committing suicide, especially in the Christian Church.

Why?

I want to argue that they are not receiving the 4 T's.

They are not receiving Touch – every human needs touch

They are not receiving time – every human needs time

They are not receiving Transparency – every human needs intimacy

They are not on a Team – every human needs a community

These humans within the Church with this orientation are afraid to say they are attracted to the same sex. They keep that hidden in their hearts. We all know what happens when we hold a big secret in our lives,

It causes a deathly isolated self-destructive mind.

Or once they have told people they are attracted to the same sex, Christians do not know how to interact with them. Christians start thinking they want to have sex all the time or grab their genitals. So Christians stay away or withdraw from them. They don't associate themselves with them. Christians don't hang out or treat them like humans, but more like diseases.

When people who are attracted to the same sex see this reaction, they also withdraw and stay quiet.

This destroys any chance of someone experiencing the 4 T's, and they NEED IT!

They will not get TOUCH

They will not get TIME

They will not get TRANSPARENCY

And they are definitely not on a TEAM.

So why live? Who wants to live a life of isolation and pain from rejection?

No one wants to live with us.

Everyone is afraid of us.

Who will look into our eyes?

Who will spend time with us, watch a movie, and put their arms around us?

Who will show us affection? Friendship?

Will anyone think we want something other than sex?

I don't believe humans commit suicide because whom they want to be in a relationship with is not being accepted by society.

People commit suicide because their needs are not being met.

If the gay community is saying gay suicide rates are high because they are not being accepted for who they are and whom they want to have sex with, and our society is not accepting their want to be in a monogamous relationship, they have just made us the value of our sexual worth.

We were human and valuable before sex came into the picture, before marriage came into the picture, and before a society that said true love is only found in a romantic relationship controlled our value. Adam represented the image of God before sex was created. Adam and Eve represented God before they engaged in sexual intercourse.

If we accept the idea that the lack of acceptance of one's sexual identity can destroy a person's life is a fact, then we have made humans into animals.

If we can accept that humans need

Touch

Time

Transparency

and Teamwork

We see humans the WAY GOD sees humans.

Either it is their fault for not voicing their needs or society's fault for overreacting to people's lives.

And the Christian community is no different.

The Christian community must understand that Christians with this orientation are not all about sex. They need to be loved at a fundamental level.

And if we are not loved in simple ways, we turn to the gay community for love and acceptance, or we can turn to the Evil Spirit of Suicide.

So please give us Touch – long hugs, kisses, simple affectionate Touch, sleeping in the same bed, etc.

Please give us time – movie watching, coffee shop time, beach walks, sunset views, etc.

Please give us Transparency – tell us your fears, desires, hopes, locker room, everyday life, boring life,etc.

Please give us Teamwork – we are here for you guys too! We can make promises and covenants with you guys too.

Then let's see what would happen to Christians who deal with suicide when they encounter this type of love and acceptance.

Let's love each other the way Christ loves the Church

Let's not let the gay community get away with thinking people commit suicide because of the rejection of one's sexual identity.

We had a human identity before sex came into the picture

That should be enough for us to live.

(Obviously, suicide is a very complex issue. I had to admit myself a couple of times. However, I argued with the institution's therapist because they wanted me to accept the idea that homosexuality is normal and healthy. However, I went in because I was dealing with the horrible pain of rejection from friends whom I wanted to be accepted. Some homosexuals deal with suicide, not because of homosexuality but because there exist multiple issues in their life. I am addressing the popular opinion that homosexuals commit suicide because their sexual identity is not being accepted. Gay-affirming pastors and theologians believe this, and it is simply wrong and unbiblical. We were humans before sexuality was created, according to the poetic account of Genesis and merely looking at Jesus' life)

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Teamwork in a church? Uh, Yea.

Hey everyone, my name is Andrew Walker.

I came across the 4T’s and spoke with Richard about how awesome I thought the goal of this blog is. I wanted to contribute to it based on my own experience with God and being attracted to the same sex.

God gives us so much to grow with and I know if this small piece of my life encourages someone else, glory to God!

I remember coming into the church that I am a member of now and amazed at how well this group of guys called the ‘ushers’ ran.

Seriously, like a well-oiled machine every Sunday.  All the equipment needed to run an entire church service was brought in and torn down as we don’t have our own building. Whoever these ‘ushers’ were, I wanted to become a part of them.

For a guy like myself struggling with attraction to other men, the concept of being a part of a team and truly feeling included was always a difficult task.

In high school, music was always a very inclusive group of people and I often found that sense of belonging to a team in the form of being a part of an ensemble creating music.

This was temporary though.

So for a guy like me in college struggling to find his 'team' and not into music anymore, this ‘team’ was hard to come by. I didn’t get too involved in church or campus ministries because I had my priorities out of line. Essentially putting myself before anyone else including God. Not very team-like, right?

How would the church help this? The church to a guy like me was a place where I would be exposed, singled-out, and very uncomfortable.

No team I wanted to be a part of.

Fortunately, when I cried out to God for a church that could truly help me in my walk with Him, God didn’t fail. I came into the church I’m at now and immediately knew this was a team of people I wanted to be on. I knew they were going to help me along my walk with God.

Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

As a man struggles with being attracted to the same sex, the concept of iron sharpening iron is beyond him. As far as I was concerned (and I’m sure a lot of other men dealing with this) letting another guy into my life to help sharpen my dull path to Hell meant taking huge risk and riding a steep learning curve.

Yet! There ARE men out there willing to do this!

They are sensitive enough, capable, and inclusive!

The church can foster this in such a way that men become mighty men of God, no matter what path they came from. For why would any man walking with God look at his brother and reject them because their sin may be taboo?

Forget his shortcomings and help him out, encourage him, and pick him up when he stumbles on his walk with God.

So as an usher I work with other guys in my church to set up and tear down for church services and prayer meetings. We all come together as a team to serve the bride of Christ – the Church. Week in and week out. I can’t tell you how much this comradery has helped me in my walk with the Lord. Beyond the fact we are serving the church, it provides so much opportunity to fellowship and get to know other men. O

Open up to them, feel supported and loved, and love back!

As for the teamwork aspect of the 4T’s, I can’t advocate enough for how important this has been in my walk with the Lord. I love the guys I serve with.

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The Church can love Christians who struggle with Homosexuality

Where is the Church now when it comes to meeting the needs of those who struggle with homosexuality?

It has been years since the legal battle for Same-Sex Marriage on a national level was decided by the U.S. Supreme Court. Many of my Christian friends felt discouraged that day. For the Church, it felt like a loss. My heart felt a little heavy, and I am not anti-gay marriage on a politically level. However, when it comes to God's design for human sexuality, sex should still be between a man and a woman within the marriage relationship.

But my heart was heavy for another reason; I was concerned this event would make the Church shrink back into its already fearful place of meeting the needs of Christian brothers and sisters in the Church who struggle with homosexuality.

After I read the U.S. Supreme Court's opinion on why Same-Sex Marriage should be legal in all 50 states, I was extremely upset about one particular paragraph that was written.

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were,"- Justice Kennedy.

This paragraph caused a rage within me. Whether you are a gay-affirming Christian or not, this is not a Biblical-Christ Centered view of marriage or even true when it comes to the "highest ideas of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family."

As the Church lost a legal battle over a state idea of marriage, the Church CAN NOT lose the battle to meet the needs of Christians who struggle with homosexuality. All the energy once used to keep a supposed "Biblical definition of marriage" can now be used to meet the needs of Christians who struggle with homosexuality practically. And where can we start?

THE 4TS

Suppose you are a Christian, whether layman or leader, you can help your fellow brothers and sisters that struggle with homosexuality. It may seem too complex, or you are getting involved in something you have no clue about, but let me set this straight, we are just humans that find the same sex attractive. We can use that attraction to lust or love in a Christ-like way; that is the battle we deal with. You come in simply by loving us and meeting our deep needs for brotherly and sisterly intimacy. You can start with the 4Ts. That is all there is to it.

We long for touch, just like everyone. - Hugs, kisses, random physical touch of brother/sister/ teammate, let us cry in your arms.

We long for Time, just like everyone. - Travel, camping, dinner, movies, shopping, TV Shows.

We long for Transparency, just like everyone. - Treat us like you will treat a "normal" person. Tell us your deep scary secrets, hopes, and dreams. Also, don't be afraid "to have a body" in front of us when that context appears, such as swimming, skinny dipping, streaking, working out, changing, etc. We are not always lusting; we are pretty average. It just hurts when we are treated differently. Let us in the locker room with you. We deserve to be there. We are female and male and need to be guided in becoming more female and male. We need to be given a choice to treat you like a brother or sister, not a lustful object. That takes practice and discipline.

And We long to be a part of a team, just like everyone. - Babysitting, helping out with family needs, giving financially, or helping out as best we can.

We can lead small groups, church programs, worship, mission trips, and be senior pastors of local churches.

Our needs are the needs everyone has. Our need for Touch, Time, Transparency, and Teamwork are just a little more intense and require intentionality from a community that understands we are valuable and need to be included in the everyday lives of the Christian family.

When you see us, hug us, and drop a kiss if you are more secure in who you are.

When you see us, invite us over for dinner and start deep, debatable, loving conversations.

When you think about us, plan a trip with us and let's go camping or travel to another country.

Share a bed with us. It is always nice to sleep next to someone.

When you see us be honest with us, tell us you might be uncomfortable with us, and process that with us. Don't back away from us, but draw near to us. Tell us your insecurities, and give us something that is a part of your heart so we can love you back well and take care of you guys. We want to love too and meet the needs of others in the Church.

Tell us about your sex life. Are you good at it? Bad?

We can be there when you are sick and need someone to take care of you.

Watch a movie with us, sit on the couch with us, and put your arm around us. I'm not telling you to be our boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm just saying that giving us affection means the world to us. It is almost as if Jesus himself is personally loving us at that exact moment. Giving someone affection is not giving someone sexuality.

Write us letters of brotherly love like the Apostles did to each other. You have all their letters. (the BIBLE)

As big of an issue as this has become, meeting the needs of Christians who struggle with homosexuality is quite simple. However, it becomes a problem when it is not done well, especially in an environment where fear and distrust is the ruler.

There is a point at which you have to trust us. We are not trying to have sex with you, but we want a deep intimate friendship.

Church, we can give that to each other. Let's cross the line of fear and the unknown and meet men and women giving up their sexual desires and carrying a cross as they follow Jesus.

I will warn you, our cross is heavy, we feel pain, we cry, we are angry about struggling with homosexuality, and we don't always like our needs, but we have them. We are also strong. We can love too.

Please meet our needs and let us meet yours.

Let's love each other the way Christ loved the Church.

Let's give each other the 4Ts.

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5 Books Christians should read so they can love Homosexuals

I recently joined a small group and had a meeting with the leaders. I shared my struggle with homosexuality, my ideas on how the Church can practically love Christians who struggle with it, and I shared with them the 4T'S  website. Since that meeting, we have continually been texting and meeting up about this topic, especially about how to actually love Christians who struggle with homosexuality. Then I had this idea, I should lend him my books. Now I think I should just tell people what books would be best to read and get your mind going when it comes to the calling and the ability the Church has to practically love Christians who struggle with Homosexuality. 

So here is my top 5 books I think Christians should read to get a very deep and holistic idea of the life of a Christian who struggles with homosexuality and how to actually (with practical ways) love them well. 

Not every book I recommend talks about homosexuality, but I think it helps Christians who struggle with this (and don't) understand how to be Christians who are told by Christ to pick up their cross and follow him.

1.  A Bigger World Yet: Faith, Brotherhood, & Same-Sex Needs by Tim Timmerman (It is a light read yet you learn so much from it, everyone should read it)

"Connection with our own gender is something we all require. Brotherhood and sisterhood is an innate element of being human...Why, look at Jesus; he touched and needed and enjoyed affection from his disciples. By no means are all of our needs the same - some require more touch, some require more time, some want a consistent buddy to go running in the morning, some want a listening ear to vent their frustrations to - but regardless of what our specific needs may be, men and have been made to, by their very nature, be a part of each others lives. We need our gender-mates. Part of being a man is coming to terms with what you need from your brothers and asking to get those needs met." Tim Timmerman

This book is my number 1!  I really think every Christian should read it.  It will open up your eyes to the needs of Christians who struggle with homosexuality.  It goes through the writer's personal story (he struggles with it as well), he talks about needs humans have such as touch, time, intimacy within friendship and marriage, fears the church my have towards Christians who struggle with this, and how the Church can be the Hands and Feet of Jesus.  It is full of encouragement, hope, rebuke, honesty, and a push for deeper intimate friendships.  My friends who have read it end up learning a lot about themselves as well.  As one author who also struggles with this said, "The Healing of a Homosexual is the healing for all men and women." Here are some of the chapter titles that can help you understand where the author takes you

Chapter 5 - A five year - old in a thirty-year-old body

Chapter 6 - Beloved Friend

Chapter 8 - Jesus with Skin on

Chapter 9 - The gift of being needy

2.  Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships by Geoffrey Y Greif

No matter how they are defined, friends and Friendships are vitally important to men's lives and are based on being understood, trust and loyalty, dependability, and doing things together.  Some men feel they do not have enough friends and want more of them.  Others are torn between wanting more friends and believing their first obligation is to their families or their jobs - Greif

This book was one of my favorites to read because it is filled with tons of research regarding male friendships within America and the internal negative effects of having shallow male friendships. Many Christians have made their marriage their most important human relationship and this book with multiple sources of research, stories, and examples illustrate how that is a very unhealthy habit for a human.  Besides, Jesus and The Apostle Paul taught the Church is the primary relationship that Christians have with each other.  This book is a good read to understanding Male Friendships. 

3.  The Male Body: A New Look at Men in Public and in Private by Susan Bordo

"Where do men get their ideas about how big their penises "ought" to be? Some, .......get them from a child's-eye view of their father's penis.  Some get them from other guys in the locker room.  Some become convinced they are too small because a partner has told them they don't measure up.....To be exposed as "soft" at the core is one of the worst things a man can suffer in this culture.  - Bordo

This book has to be one of the most intriguing books I have ever read in my life.  It was written by a female self-proclaimed agnostic who believes in evolution, but the thing is, she got it right!  She accurately and articulately explained how men feel in their bodies in a culture where porn says how big your penis should be, how the environment effects your body image, and how men tend to be insecure about their bodies around other men.  I have seen so much insecurity in the church concerning the body.  We are a religion that believes the body is good and from God, yet it would seem we are the most isolated and insecure with it.  This book takes you in depth about this and she isn't even a Christian and yet presents a reader, especially a Christian reader, with the idea that you need to be confidant with your natural body.  This is related to homosexuality because Christian men need to be more secure with their bodies to love other men in a godly healthy way with their own bodies (hugs, kisses, locker rooms, physical affirmation etc).

4. Spiritual Friendship: Finding love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian by Wesley Hill

I imagine a future in the church when the call to chastity would no longer sound like a dreary sentence to lifelong loneliness for a gay Christian like me. I imagine Christian communities in which friendships are celebrated and honored—where it’s normal for families to live near or with single people; where it’s expected that celibate gay people would form significant attachments to other single people, families, and pastors; where it’s standard practice for friends to spend holidays together or share vacations; where it’s not out of the ordinary for friends to consider staying put, resisting the allure of constant mobility, for the sake of their friendships. I imagine a church where genuine love isn’t located exclusively or even primarily in marriage, but where marriage and friendship and other bonds of affection are all seen as different forms of the same love we all are called to pursue.

This book is amazing! He stresses the potential intimacy that friends (married and single) can have with each other within the Church.  He tells the stories of C. S. Lewis and his childhood friendship, he talks about the same sex struggles the famous Catholic writer Henri Nouwen went through and he brings up the old Church traditions when monks would make vowels of lifelong friendship to each other. 
He talks about these topics because he wants the Church to welcome back the value of friendship that was once praised within the Church. 

I think the most important topic he goes over is the intense falling out of him and his friend.  He also goes over the story of how Henri Nouwn went through the same thing.  This is important because many Christians who struggle with this have a hard to keeping deep intimate friendships because both parties sometimes do not know how to handle them.  There are rarely good examples of great deep well known friendships that many in local churches can model and experience together. 

5. Crazy Love

Lukewarm People tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict.  They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives.

Lukewarm People don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.  They don't genuinely hate sin and arent truly sorry for it; theyre merely sorry because God is going to punish them.  Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one. 

Lukewarm People will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give

This book is probably the most difficult to read because he simply brings this question up,  "Do you really want to serve Jesus? and if it is a yes, are you really going to do it?  And if you are, don't complain."

I think this is important to understand when walking together with Christians because each of us is called by Jesus himself to carry THEIR CROSS which leads to death than leads to life but it seems today that people don't want to do that.  They want to skip the cross.  And this book puts you back in the position to be asked are you willing to give up your sins and selfishness to love God and love others.  And for Christians who struggles with Homosexuality, they need to understand they cannot complain about following Jesus and dying to their sins (not just homosexuality, they are more sinful than just that) and for Christians who don't struggle with homosexuality, the need to understand how to give up their free time, want for marriage, want for success, and devote themselves to helping others and loving God selflessly and in turn God will supply your needs according to HIS riches in by Christ Jesus, everyone needs to do that! This is a true thought I have, however God takes care of his Children in the Middle East who are being killed and tortured for the name of Jesus, he is definitely taking care of his Children in America. 

Other books that are great to read are all of C.S. Lewis books, especially Problem of Pain.  NT Wright's book Surprised By Hope, and Rob Bell's book ( you don't have to agree with everything you read, but we read to learn and think better).

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Christians who struggle with Homosexuality need TOUCH and the CHURCH can offer that.

After we returned from lunch, we went to my friend's room to take a communal nap as we watched an episode of the office. It was something we did as a tradition on a Sunday. As I lay on his couch and he was on his twin-size bunk bed, he said, "Richard, come on up!" "Are you serious!" I replied. "Yea," he said. I jumped to his bed, and we positioned ourselves to get comfortable.

Then we started DOING IT!

We were cuddling.

Think about this, my friend, who is not attracted to men, who had a girlfriend, was cuddling with me, someone who was attracted to men. I was attracted to him, and he knew I was.

And we napped together.

Now I wonder how many of you already feel uncomfortable with this story.

Is it because it is "GAY?"

Or is it because it is not what is culturally normal?

Do you feel like I sinned? Was God angry about this?

A couple of months before that joyful nap, some friends and I went camping, it got freezing, and all of us (8 of us) crammed into a four-person tent. My friend and I slept by each other, and we spooned throughout the night. One time I lifted my head, and I saw another friend lying on top of another friend's chest, and I laughed, and my friend responded, "There is no other way Richard." It was hilarious.

When we returned from that trip, I told my friend it felt nice to sleep with someone and be that close to someone I emotionally feel close to. He said he understood and that he enjoyed it too. And that is when I asked him, "Can we do that again sometime? Like cuddle or something?"

Humans need touch. As babies, we need it! If we don't get cuddled and held as babies, we stop growing and can even die. If we don't receive touch as a child, it can have long-lasting effects as an adult. As adults, if we don't experience touch, we don't share releases of oxytocin that tell us we are being cared for and loved. Research suggests sports teams can win more games if they touch each other. It can calm cardiovascular stress and helps us have compassion for other humans.

Hugs can help us strengthen the immune system. Hugs stimulate the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's white blood cells, keeping us healthy and fighting disease. (I got all this touch research from Psychology Today)

Physiologically we need TOUCH!

As Christians, we need TOUCH!

And as Jesus commands his followers to meet the needs of the World, that includes TOUCH!

GAY PEOPLE NEED TOUCH!

CHRISTIANS NEED TO TOUCH GAY PEOPLE! It is not an option.

I believe the reason a lot of Christians who struggle with homosexuality turn to the gay community is because they are longing for intimate experiences of touch (cuddling, putting their head on someone's shoulder as they watch a movie, sleeping in the same bed, and long hugs). However, they are not getting that from the Church.

Go to a gay bar, and you see everyone touching each other with hugs, kisses, and pats on the butt, and all of this is done in a non-sexual way. They dance together and have a good time, filling their touch need. And since they are having a good time, laughing and dancing, why not hook up with the guy or girl that wants to give more touch? Why deny something you are longing for? You will not get it from the Church. Why not get it from other humans that will touch you?

Go to a Church, and the only people you see continually touching each other are married folks or couples dating.

So if you are someone who longs for same-sex touch and you need it, and long for it, and not getting it causes pain, why not get it from a community that offers it, right?

Whenever my friends touch me, it is so enjoyable. I feel so loved. Recently, there has been a shift in touch within the young crowd of America.

There was a study done in the 1960s by Dasher Keltner, a Psychologist. He went to study friends at coffee shops, and in America, the two friends touched each other twice. In Britain, they touched each other zero times. In France, the number shot up to 110 times per hour. In Puerto Rico, friends touched each other 180 times.

I'm sure there are many reasons why we shouldn't be touching everyone. However, when it comes to our friends, especially fellow brothers and sisters, we need to embrace each other more than the norm physically. We are losing out because we are holding back.

Women tend to be more comfortable touching each other and kissing each other. For men, something interesting occurred in the 60s and 70s. Historians have written about a time when men used to be more comfortable with touch. However, when the sexual revolution took place, men backed away. They didn't want to be identified as gay. So they stopped touching each other. Recently, with the acceptance of homosexuality, men have been able to show more bromance with each other and physically have been more open to touch.

But in the CHURCH, we are still far from that.

Let's bring back touch in our lives!

Let's share beds!

 Let's hug longer!

Let's be open to physical closeness, even if it might feel awkward for a while.

You don't need to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend to get a long-lasting intimate touch.

If you know anyone who struggles with homosexuality, ask them how much they want touch, they might feel awkward about that, but I bet you 1000 bucks they want touch from friends.

Back to the beginning of my story, my friend let me share the same bed and cuddle with him a couple more times. It was so warm and comforting. To be so close to someone you love and know loves you. There is no sex, and there is no sexual tension. It is simply a form of love being given to another human in need of healthy touch. I felt extremely loved by my friend. Don't we all want to feel nice and warm next to someone? Why does it have to be a spouse? One time he reached around me and told me that he loved me and to have a good night.

Isn't this what we are all fighting about? What can love look like? The Jesus kind of love?

Not everyone is ready to help people in profound, uncomfortable healthy, Godly ways. However, they can do it, and it will take time. One time I asked, and he said no. And I was okay with him saying no because I already knew he was trying to love me and meet the deep physical needs in my life.

But we have to ask each other for touch.

It is scary but worth it.

We will hear yes and no.

I have been fortunate to have friends who let me sleep on their bed with them and have some pillow talk before we go to bed, embracing each other. It is pretty nice.

I wonder how many men and women go to sleep asking God if they can have someone next to them to ask them about their day, embrace physical friendship and say good night?

As a human, I would love that.

Hopefully, the Church can offer that.

If the gay community can, I don't understand why the Church can't

The Church is more loving than the World

It is God's HANDS and FEET.

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Biola Underground should have heard my conversations with Rob Bell, Oprahs Producers, and Robbie Rogers.

I'm extremely grateful for the life and work of Rob Bell.  I learned about Rob Bell when I was in High School because of the Nooma Videos he created. I love those videos and own all of them.

Rob Bell's amazing rhetoric and thoughtful questions taught me an essential skill to have as I live in a society in which the scientific method is the number one authority for answers -

how to question

Because of the questions I have about God, life, and my same sex attraction, I believe homosexuality goes against God's creative, beautiful, and self-reproducing art. And I like to thank Rob Bell along with my other favorite writers for helping me come to that truth.

But there has occurred a very interesting dilemma in my life, since I believe homosexuality is sinful, I am put in the same box as the conservative church,  "We hate homosexuals and discriminate against them." 

And what is ironic about all of this is I am attracted to the same sex and I am a part (a very unique part) of the homosexual community. 

As I have tried to understand gay affirming theology by listening to gay affirming Christians who are gay and in relationships, it does help me see the other side more clearly and at times makes me wonder if it is really wrong to be in a godly, loving, gay relationship.  As of right now, I still believe it goes against Gods creative, beautiful, and self-producing art.

But interesting things occur when I try to tap in these small communities, such as the BIOLA UNDERGROUND or whatever their new name is called, I end up being DISQUALIFIED from their group because of my beliefs.  I was going to attend a conference where gay college students where going to share their stories of persecution as they attend a conservative christian school, but I was not allowed to attend because the Biola Underground said I wasn't a safe person.  They told a director of the conference that I would snitch on them or something like that.  Apparently, I'm a gay hunter.  I was confused for the longest time about why I wasn't a safe person and I think it was really because of my beliefs.  I was told I would be escorted out by security or the police if I attended the conference. 

Biola Underground, you want people to accept your beliefs but you reject other Christians who btw are also attracted to the same sex and think they are going to snitch on you, what are we in 3rd grade? 

Guys isn't that frustrating? You try to learn about other people's beliefs but they don't let you and yet they say you discriminate against them.

So as I am related to the gay community, and live in the conservative Christian community, gay communities such as the Biola Underground and their "allies" say things about ME that are not true, very offensive, disrespectful, and worse of all NOT CHRIST LIKE. 

A group like the Biola Underground preaches "the church" is not accepting and rejects gays from their communities, yet the Biola Underground did the same thing to me as well as others.  

So, I needed advice and I wanted to talk to leaders that are leaders of gay affirming theology.

So why not talk to ROB BELL? 

One day he posted on facebook he was taking in applications for people who wanted spiritual advice from him. So I applied.  And I was chosen. 

One day I was talking to the producers of the show and it got a little heated. 

I explained to them my story and belief system and one of the producers right away objected to my views.  I told her I understand.  Then she asked a question I got really angry at,

"Richard, don't you think you deserve to be loved in your life? Have TRUE LOVE?"

I replied with an angry sarcastic chuckle,

"I find it very offensive you think I can't be loved by my friends or even have "TRUE LOVE" with them."

Isn't this what this whole debate is about? What love is?

If I read my DAMN Bible right, isn't the primary form of LOVE found in CHURCH Community and not a temporary human way such as marriage? Like what the Hell did Paul try to do? PLANT MARRIAGES? Is that what he died for? JESUS and MARRIAGES?  Is that what Jesus died for? Marriages and not the CHURCH COMMUNITY?

The producers stayed quiet and again reminded me they disagreed with my views.

Then the day came and I was able to chat with ROB BELL!

I walked to the desk that was set up on the beach and was so excited to see one of my favorite Christians standing to greet me! We shook hands and sat down.

I shared with him a little about my life and told him I grew up in a conservative Christian home. 

He told me he heard of those before.

Then I explained to him the dilemma I was in. 

I told him I'm a Christian who believes homosexuality goes against Gods ways but I also struggle with it.  And so I get confused on what to do because I see gay communities that attack the very communities and friends that love me and meet the needs in my life. I think it is unfair of them to reject me and also attack the communities I am a part of. Rob (i really called him by his first name) what should I do?

He told me

He knew many Christians who are on both sides of the line that find love in their church communities concerning this topic, so he "totally 100% agreed" these gay communities need to respect the boundaries of Church beliefs.  It isn't fair that the community that loves you is being called a bigot. What you should do is set yourself apart from them so it doesn't cause you distress.  Don't get involved in fights about this.  Something people need to learn is their boundaries and that we can go to which ever place fits for us to worship God the way we think we should worship God. If you think it is immoral to live a gay live find a community that can help you flourish in that, and if you think it is God approved to be in a gay relationship then find a community that can help you flourish in that.  Lets respect each other and have boundaries.

I was in love with his response because it reminded me that humans have a hard time with respect, especially Americans.  Entitlement bleeds out of us.  

I wish the Biola Underground can really admit they are not fit for the theology of Biola just like I wasn't fit for their theology.  But they won't. 

Then a couple of months after I got to talk to Robbie Roggers (the first gay athlete to come out, he plays soccer)

I told him I read his book "Coming out to play" and I read it in one day. And I loved it! I also connected with him very deeply since we both love God and are part of the Christian community.

He talks a lot about his faith in the book. I told him I am also gay (I don't really like saying that because it usually means something I don't agree with, but for the sake of communication I said that) and I am a Christian.

I said I landed on the other side of the conversation believing it's immoral to act on my attraction. I continued saying it is already hard being in the evangelical community, it becomes worse not being accepted by the gay community, which I am also apart of, because of my belief of it being immoral acting on my attraction and so how do both Christian communities come together on this topic.

He replied with a really calm, kind, and respectful way.

He said he obviously disagreed with me and believes God made him that way and everyone can experience true love. And he said it is frustrating when a community stresses being open minded but they themselves are not. He said he doesn't know what to do but he can see how it is frustrating.

I really admire Robbie Roggers and think he is awesome. I just wish he didn't think marriage love is the "True" love. I wish I can have coffee with him or something. Maybe that can happen one day. I would love to talk with him one on one

Well sorry for the long post, but I wish gay communities can respect the beliefs of others.  It would be nice if they can be more tolerant of the communities that love someone like me who is attracted to the same sex. 

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Best Friends

Today I was presented with a friendship between two dudes I know that caused great joy and pain in my heart. It brought great joy because I value friendship to the degree I find other Christians don't. Seeing best friendships naturally occur and have excellent fruit gives me hope that my idea of friendship is accurate. But it also causes great pain because I long for a "best friendship" that can last years. And for many reasons, I can't handle that type of friendship, or the expectations I have for it are not the same standards most men want in their friendships. But today is about the friendship I saw, and I want to encourage others to have that type of friendship within the Church to benefit the Church.

I am not too close to the guys I am talking about. However, I have spent some time hearing them talk about their best friendship and some incredible stories about their friendship with others. And honestly, scroll through their Instagram account, and you will see how great this friendship is. It is full of affectionate posts towards each other. It is awesome!

These two guys grew up together and have played soccer since they were 8. In their pictures, they are either hugging, carrying, doing something fun, laughing, or saying very affectionate comments about their love for each other. They always write, "My main man, best friend, brother, I miss you, I have been with this kid forever, etc." Apparently, in their senior year, they won "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER."

One of the guys' most recent posts on Instagram said this,

"Laying on the beach in December with my day one. Ten months ago, I got selfish and flew up to Washington to bring you down to Biola so that I could play one more year with you. I wanted to end my last college season by playing with the best friend I've ever had."

The comments under the picture and caption were funny. Friends pointed out their friendship was better than the Twilight love story, and another wrote "#relationshipgoals." This friendship is sweet, and I pray to God that it never ends. If any transgression occurs, I hope there is an endless amount of forgiveness.

What I find interesting about social media is that most people like posting pictures of themselves with friends, family and what their community looks like, especially around the Holidays. Some ideas exist that if your photos look fun and happy, your life is excellent. There are many blogs about this type of false reality. However, I am most intrigued about whether people posting these pictures have deep, committed communities and long-lasting friends. Do people have friends that will stay loyal and back them up when the time is right? Or do they post this stuff to feel good for the time being?

In one of my favorite movies, Good Will Hunting, there is a scene in which the math professor is asking a therapist why this extremely smart person hangout with these low-life losers, "retarded gorillas?" The therapist responds, "Because anyone of them if he asks them to, will take a fuckin bat to your head. That's called loyalty."

How many of us want that?

Loyalty

When I was at a soccer game where these two dudes I am talking about were playing, there was a little scuffle. I saw someone from the other team push one of the friends, and the other friend stepped in right away to defend him and was even ready to fight. The goalie grabbed the heated friend (they were on the same team), that stepped in to calm him down. It was a pretty cool scene. The next day I met the goalie at the Church I attended, and we talked about the game that had occurred the night before. We talked about the scuffle that broke out, and the goalie said, "When I saw 'so and so' get pushed and 'so and so' was there, I grabbed him because I knew he would get furious and want to fight the other team or something. You don't mess with his other half." I thought it was awesome. That is a sweet and loyal friendship right there.

Many of us want this type of loyalty. We want someone to back us up, be there for us, and show us affectionate time, touch, transparency, and teamwork. We want these friendships, but many try to find this loyalty in a marriage instead of friendships. Especially with Christian conservatives and gay communities arguing about what marriage should be and how it is the most important relationship a human will have, it makes sense that there will be few people searching and staying committed to life long friendships. Besides, best friendships don't offer sex, which is an upset for us pleasure seekers. I get sad when best friendships/friendships are put at a lower level when it comes to relationships humans can have with each other. Here is what Justice Kennedy said about marriage this past summer when he ruled in favor of gay marriage legalization.

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were,"- Justice Kennedy

If this statement is true, friendship cannot be as profound as marriage.

If this statement is true, friendship cannot keep up with the ideals of the highest love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In a marriage, two people become something greater than they were.

For the record, friendship can do all of this! If you are a Christian and believe what Justice Kennedy said, I would question your wisdom and knowledge of the Church community and how Jesus Christ wants it to be.

Friendship is a fantastic form of love, devotion, fidelity, and sacrifice. It is a beautiful human relationship. You can live with each other, give each other haircuts, spend much time together, back each other up, and confidently say you know your friend will get a bat and hit someone in the head if you ask them to do it. Please, Christian, pursue it.

My two friends, I am talking about always call each other friend/brother, other half, etc. They have something very few have and are lucky to have. I hope that many can have this. I want this. And Church, if you're going to help those who struggle with homosexuality, give them deep, loyal, committed, lifelong friendship. It starts with this. And I mean lifelong.

If you were to ask most of my friends who are gay or who struggle with homosexuality if they would want a best friend or someone who is always there for them, calling them brother, other half, family, etc., they would say yes in a heartbeat. Besides, isn't that what gay people want when it comes to marriage? Someone to live life with? Deep, lifelong friendship would meet the intense longing for loyalty that all humans long for.

Lifelong friendship is beautiful. Give it a try.

And if you have a best friend, don't ever replace it or be reckless with it. You may not know how life-giving it is for you until you lose it. Most people don't have friends like that, so they try to find it in their spouse and then end up being too needy in their marriage, which can mess things up. Keep your friends, love them, give them your time, give them your physical touch, and give them transparency and teamwork. Point them to Jesus and help them live a life for Jesus.

Love your FRIENDS the way Christ loved the Church.

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A letter from a Christian that believed homosexuality was wrong and now believes it is good

Hello there,

I had a great day today, mostly because I got to hang around really cool and funny Chinese kids because I am working at a Chinese Family Camp. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and it was cool to see families I know post pictures of their Thanksgiving feast. I started thinking,

"This is how the celebrations in the New Kingdom, that is already here but not fully, will look like."

I also remembered some of my friends (although they are having a "great family thanksgiving feast") are in pain. They want and need more than a feast. To some extent, I feel that pain. I need more than family, friends, and sometimes Church. There is some deep longing in my being to connect with humans that don't seem possible. The only thing that makes sense is if this longing is satisfied when Jesus comes down to earth and humanity becomes fully one in him. And what the heck does that mean anyway?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about why I think Christians who are SIDE B turn to SIDE A. I got a response from a Facebook friend (who I haven't met in person yet) and what he thought of my post, and I thought it was very thoughtful, provoking, and convicting.

If I understand his beliefs correctly, we disagree on what it means to be attracted to the same sex and how that plays out in the CHURCH. But I think his response to my writing is fantastic. I asked for his permission to present it to you guys.

"Hey, Richard!

I know we haven't talked for a while, or even met in real life for that matter, but I've been following your blog posts, and the last one struck a chord for me. I felt it was very relevant for me, considering I'm one of those people who had a theology like yours. Then it became entirely necessary for me to shift (for my mental health and happiness) (although whether God cares about our happiness and mental health has also been up for debate I suppose).

Anyways, I was really fascinated by the message of your post. A half a year ago, I would have written something similar. But I only got to writing things down when I got really angry at all the blog posts that appeared over the summer when gay marriage became protected across the US. Do you remember when everyone's profile pictures, including mine, turned into rainbows? It was a tense time for me, both because I was on the fence on this whole topic theologically, and I just couldn't stand all the damage that was being done on Christian side of things. I got really angry, and I wrote this piece if you'd want to read it. I never intended on sharing it with anyone. It sounds a bit like your posts except its a lot less encouraging, much harsher, and has a very angry and fed up tone.

"This past week I have seen a lot of well-meaning Christians posting things that just don't help anyone. I have seen a lot gay people celebrating and reblogging sassy responses to things conservatives have written, which don't help anyone either.

This is my very harsh critique of the Christians vs. the LGBT situation. It is very harsh. But I'll say the same thing the picketers and the bible bangers do.

I share this in "love." (wink emotion)

Because, isn't "true love" sharing the hard truth?!?

I hope you can handle it. I don't think you can.

I was raised a Christian and although I denied it for years, I am "gay", or "same-sex attracted", or a "flaming homosexual" or whatever your local culture calls it these days. I've spent years praying the gay away, dreaming of being straight, and fighting every part of me that felt natural. I have said prayers millions of times. Hundreds of people have said prayers for me (and continue to do so.) But guess what. I AM STILL GAY.

I've spent years searching Christianity's literary darlings - the Bible, Augustine, Bonhoeffer, Lewis, Merton, Nouwen, Hill to name a few - for answers on how to practically live "celibately", or in "singleness" or whatever your local culture calls it these days. I've spent years trying to figure out what the fuck God wants from a person like me.

Even more shocking – living openly in a traditional Christian sexual ethic does not protect you from the spiritual and emotional abuse that is so prevalent between gays and Christianity today. The number of "Christians" who have questioned my faith, motives, my salvation and even my "relationship with God" has been as common as the young straight men who struggle with pornography - I've been in enough men's bible studies to know how pitiful you guys really are.

The loving types have been rare. Apathy and ignorance are plagues. It doesn't matter if you're as pure as the Pope – haters gonna hate.

Today I have no confidence in the ideas that well-meaning Christians continue to repost. The ideaGod wants me to remain single and celibate for the rest of my life – while I keep hoping he'd somehow make me straight and putting up with the idiocy of individuals – and perhaps someday be "delivered from those urges through the blood of Jesus so that (I) can find the mate of the opposite sex that God always intended for them to come together with." (John Piper)

I used to have confidence. But after years of "trusting" God I can go no further. Resisting "temptations" for emotional intimacy, romance, love, dating, (since when were those temptations???) on top of all the other sexual interests it has been hell on earth. No one seems to have any practical advice on how to resist these things for potentially my ENTIRE LIFE. No one can make up for or ease the pain I feel in every song on the radio, every film, every advertisement and every church service. I have been continually let down, the target of stupid comments, the victim of ignorant and foolish talk. And God? Despite all the time I spend with Him, and pray to Him and yell at Him, He does not seem to comfort me.

Do not tell me that my problem is "my little faith". I've had plenty of faith. It's a miracle I didn't completely lose a faith years ago. The problem is not my confidence in God.

If the Church was a woman that pursued me at a party, I would decline her advances for obvious reasons.

But, this would be our conversation.

Church: "you know it would help if you just had a little more confidence."

Me: "No, what would really help, is if you were actually beautiful."

To all you Christians who genuinely believe same-sex marriage is not part of Gods desire for an individual who experiences "same sex attraction" or a "gay orientation" or the "fallen nature of homosexual desire" or whatever your local culture calls it these days - I dare you to love so radically gay marriage will pale in comparison. Make the "Christian family" or "body of Christ" or whatever your local culture calls it these days, so beautiful we would all have to be idiots not to join it.

You need to get so fucking creative the "Christian lifestyle" looks nothing like the materialistic cisheteropatriarchy that you currently advertise. The mainstream Christian home cannot only be a straight couple and their offspring. You need multigenerational homes. You need diverse homes. You need sustainable homes. You need homes so full of diverse and complicated people they look like hotels. You need a community so large, energetic, and caring that it can respond to the modern mobile nature of today's youth.

A church that insists on the traditional paradigm for families should have celebrations of celibacy, singleness, friendship, adoptions, siblinghood etc. that rival that of weddings. If your old folks are faraway or gone - adopt new ones nearby. If your children are gone or never came - adopt the orphans and NEVER give them up. If a young person moves to a new city and wants a Christian family but can't because maybe they're gay, then adopt them as a new family member and invite them to live with you. This would also only be possible if your Church was a place LGBT people felt comfortable enough to be open about their situation, but based on the HUNDREDS of closeted individuals I've heard from over the years who struggle in isolation, almost all churches are whitewashed tombs of lies.

Basically, unless something changes someone like me will just live alone in apartments struggling with loneliness and singleness (trying to find intimacy at your weekly dinners and bible studies) until we join the LGBT community and its "technicolor fiesta." And that community has this "realism" and "love" and "acceptance" stuff down to a science. Your potluck dinners, worship nights, and coffee dates are pathetic pastiches of real intimacy. You're afraid of people judging your housekeeping skills and having people over when you want to just stroll around the house without pants? Get over your obsolete southern hospitality and have people in your home even when its not perfectly cleaned with all the candies in the crystal bowls. (or if you're really a try hard, you can figure out how to always have a perfect house with the open door policy!) Real intimacy isn't planned on a calendar. It just happens. It is usually rather quiet and mundane. You have to creativity figure out how being pantless with visitors in your crazy messy fun house is somehow not socially awkward. Because that's intimacy... Its usually awkward at first!

If ALL Christians were to understand this and live more creatively maybe I'd believe it when you say God has a "wonderful plan" for my life (that does not include gay marriage)…

But that's not how it is. In our solitary nuclear cisheteropatriarchal Christian family "lifestyle", there is no room for the "least of these" and certainly not a gay person. At least not for an extended amount of time. We can visit as guests, for years even, but we'll never be family. You will always leave us behind. We will always be forgotten. Your house isn't clean enough. The city and social norms is designed to make us feel lonely and isolated unless we fit in. The structural system of churches simply won't allow us to be part of God's children.

Do not tell me that my problem is that I need to "give Christians a little grace because we're human". I continue to hope and forgive. I have ark-loads of grace, if I didn't I would have left the Church and gotten a boyfriend years ago.

The fact is, you are not trying hard enough.

You do not love Jesus enough to save anyone but yourself.

And the funny part is, you can't even save yourself.

When you say "I disagree with the courts, but I don't hate the gays" I can't help but say loudly - "no shit, but you don't love us in any way, shape or form either. You are ignorant at best, and bigoted at worst!"

I dare you to love. I dare you to educate yourself. I dare you to get creative and treat each other in such wonderful way that people will scream, "I want to be part of His family!" Care for all people! Care for the environment! Care for the least of these! Open the arms of the ENTIRE Church and finally let the prodigal sons/daughters (and everyone in-between – yes that means the transgendered and genderqueer too) come home. Prove to us that the Church is not a whore, but a beautiful mother with a warm embrace. PROVE IT. Not to God, but to humanity. Do this by living so creatively, cleverly, lovingly, and all embracing of other Christians as actual blood-family. And I hope we all understand whose blood I'm talking about.

Otherwise, what you currently recommend for gay people is nothing but a cruel hypocritical blog repost.

And my LIFE, is not a blog repost."

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The Church is the Hope for humans that struggle with Homosexuality

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his interests but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name so that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, in heaven and on Earth and under the Earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - The Apostle Paul.

Today I heard another Christian who "struggled with homosexuality" accept the idea that God blesses same-sex relationships. This is one of the most frustrating and sad news for me to hear. Whenever I hear this type of news, I get mad, sad, and frustrated with the individual and the Church. This reminds me of the existence of the large gap between those who have deep same-sex needs and the Church practically meeting those needs. I hope this will one day change. This isn't blind hope though. This is a hope built off of the correct theology of a local Church Community!

Church! We are the hope to those who struggle with Homosexuality! God allowed us to be like Jesus and love others selflessly. Jesus never told others to go to the Father when the crowds went to him for help. Sometimes, Jesus would get some quiet time to relax, but he was always back to work helping others. With the help of the Holy Spirit, the Church can do the same thing! We need to stop sending people to "God," aka isolation. The Holy Spirit's primary way of working on Earth is through the Church. We are the hands and feet of Jesus. We should stop changing God's plan. The Holy Spirit leads us to help, support, and love others like Christ. He isn't sending others into isolation. He is sending us into each other's arms to experience the here but not yet arms of Jesus. Let me remind you, as a Christian struggling with same-sex attraction, my needs and wants are not about changing my same-sex attraction. It's about establishing healthy, GODLY same-sex friendships and intimacy, so I don't lust after the same sex. Again, as I've said in previous writings, same-sex attraction and same sex-lust are different.

We need to evaluate our "wants," "blessings," and "boundaries" and see if we can include others a lot more in our lives (watching Netflix, homemade dinners, family time, family vacations, the beach, Disneyland, physical touch, etc.)

Many people turn to the belief that God "blesses" same-sex relationships because their needs (Time, Touch, Transparency, and Teamwork) are not being met within the Church. So what do they do? They change their theology to meet their needs. They either suffer from great heavy depression because they are extremely disconnected from other humans and are not experiencing humans the way they need to experience humans or the other option, which many sadly act on, is that it is better to kill themselves.

And that's very sad. We should grieve about that.

But if we can change our "wants," "blessings," and "boundaries," we can be the hope and the working hands and feet of God!

We can touch those who need touch! Give hugs, long hugs, kisses, shoulders to rest our heads on, and hands to hold to feel close to another human. Sex isn't the only way to feel close to another human, and that's not what we who struggle with homosexuality want. We want physical affection from the Church. Jesus would give it.

Christians who struggled with Homosexuality but changed their theology and now believe God supports homosexual relationships would not have done that if they received large amounts of touch from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. That is how important touch is.

We can give time to those who need time to feel valuable! How many people do you hear complaints about the amount of time they receive from their friends and community? Americans struggle with loneliness and isolation. American Christians can avoid that by getting married and spending all their time with their spouse and family. It doesn't always solve loneliness, but that is not a Church community. That's on the edge of being called an idolized marriage and family. Instead, you can spend your marriage time with others in the Church, your first family, having triple dates, and Disneyland dates with single Christians. Nights hosting slumber parties (guys say spending the night), dinners, road trips, vacations, etc.

Christians who struggled with Homosexuality but changed their theology and now believe God supports homosexual relationships would not have done that if they received a large amount of time from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. That is how important time is.

We can be Transparent with those who struggle with Homosexuality. We can be honest and expose deep emotional parts of ourselves within our Church Community. Not just with our husbands and wives. We can show emotional affection for those in the Church! We can tell others how important they are to us. We can prove it by the actions of expressive languages. We can be honest spiritually.

And most importantly, we can be transparent with our bodies, like in locker rooms, and when the body is a point of experience that is not sexual. (I'm not going to go into detail about that in this post, but please think about what that can look like in a healthy context. There is a reason why we who struggle with Homosexuality think the body is a beautiful sight, and that's good!)

I truly believe Christians who struggled with Homosexuality but changed their theology and now believe God supports homosexual relationships would not have done that if they received a large amount of Transparent experiences from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. That is how important it is to be transparent and vulnerable with someone who struggles with Homosexuality.

Lastly, when we are a Team at Church, we are solid and feel like we are something bigger than ourselves, and that is what being a part of the Bride of Christ is all about. Humans were never made to be alone with God. When John Piper, and my favorite Christian pastor, Francis Chan, say things like, "Would you like Heaven if all your friends and family were there except Jesus?" I cringe at that question because they created a world that even God didn't like. We desperately need other humans, not for salvation. Only God can do that for us, but to experience the community (Church) Jesus has established for those saved and adopted in his family.

Christians who struggled with Homosexuality but changed their theology and now believe God supports homosexual relationships would not have done that if they received a large amount of Teamwork experiences from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. That is how vital Teamwork is for someone who struggles with Homosexuality.

For those who struggle with Homosexuality, please don't give in to sinful theology. We are God's artwork. We have no authority to change the big painting that God has designed. God is Holy, Just, and Graceful. Live in that. It is challenging and painful, but that is the part of sanctification we must go through.

As C.S. Lewis said, "The Christian way is different: harder and easier. Christ says, "Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

And for those who believe it is okay to live in a romantic relationship with the same sex or teach it, please cut it off and understand that it is not the artwork that God has made you or wants you to teach. It's the extreme opposite and goes against the Church community (along with Christian couples who idolize marriage). I come from no place of higher ground. If anything, I'm pretty low. I am battling to understand God's grace, justice, and sanctification in this process. I am not the artwork that God made me be. I hate it. As Augustine wrote, "Lord make me chaste but not yet." In other words, my daily prayer is, "God, please take this sin away, but not yet. I still love it." Please pray for me in this.

Church, we are the storytellers of hope and the light and salt of the world. We are God's hands and feet for those who have deep same-sex needs. For Christians who struggle with Homosexuality, meeting our needs is as simple as giving us large amounts of touch, time, transparency, and Teamwork. We are the Church. You are the Church. We can do this together. That is our God's plan right now. We don't have a choice.  

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"I got to be on the Team even though Im attracted to the same sex!"

Today I saw a soccer game one of my friends was playing. My friend is a leader on the team, and many of the guys look up to him. He is a pretty relaxed and likable dude. But today, after the game, I saw something that reminded me there is hope for the Church to be the primary family for those belonging to Jesus' New Kingdom who are single, married, and attracted to the same sex. Specifically, it reminded me that singles and those attracted to the same sex can be leaders in the Church. Primary players in the Church.

I have gone to the last three games of the soccer season my friend is in. I stand in the crowd watching the game and the team's bench. I'm a pretty observant person, and the fact I find men attractive makes me observe men more than the usual man.

As I'm watching the game, seeing who is starting and who is subbing, I see this one dude who hasn't played any of the games that I have attended passing out waters, encouraging his teammates and being on alert to be called in. He has his jersey on, cleats are on, he is yelling his cheers for his team, and he is getting whatever the teammates need to continue with the game. When someone comes out of the game, he is ready, waiting to hand them a water bottle. He helps with their stretching, puts away the equipment, and does the unnoticed dirty work. I have seen him doing the same routine in the last couple of games. But he still doesn't get playing time. Others do the same to support the team, but they get playing time. But this guy doesn't. He is what you call "benched."

Now maybe this guy isn't good when it comes to his soccer skills. Perhaps he has a bad attitude toward the coach. There can be many reasons he isn't getting playing time. But he is still on the team. And the point of being on the team is to play soccer with the team. I applaud this guy for being there for his teammates. He is supporting them and loving them in considerable unnoticed ways.

But today, the coach told him to go in for someone towards the end of the game. This guy took off his yellow jersey (which players on the bench need to wear), ran on the field with his teammates, waited for the whistle, and started playing soccer. This dude played for about 3 minutes. The game ended. After the team huddled, stretched, and packed to go home, this dude walked to my good friend, said a word or two, and started crying in my friend's arms. He was in my friend's sweaty, assertive, affectionate, warm, and loving arms and shoulders for 2 minutes crying. He was crying for about 2 minutes.

I was Jealous.

Why did he cry in my friend's sweaty, firm, warm and loving arms for a minute or 2? Because this dude got to play soccer with the team for 3 minutes, filled with joy and affirmation. And he got to feel more assurance as he hugged and cried in my friend's arms.

It was beautiful.

Don't we all want to be affirmed by our team? And then celebrate our wins and losses with a hug filled with hard work and perseverance.

If you were to talk with the soccer team after the game, the guys wouldn't care. They are all sweaty and smelly, hugging each other. When they hit the showers together, they don't care about the vulnerability the communal showers call them to. They are naked. They just fought a battle as a team, and they will now recover and love each other. They are vulnerable to each other. And care deeply for each other.

This guy experienced the fullness of playing soccer with the team for 3 minutes and cried in my friend's arms because of it.

For those struggling with same-sex attraction (or have a deep longing for same-sex intimacy) or single, we want to play on the team of those that are married with families. Maybe I should say we want to be a part of the CHURCH! Even if it is 3 minutes. We are on the benches, wanting to help, called to lead and be senior pastors (even though we are not married). We have gifts that we can offer the Church. We have time that we can provide families with. We have a love that we can offer friends.

Please give us some playing time.

On top of the gifts, we can offer the Church, we are also in a big battle. We are tempted to pursue a romantic relationship with the same sex, but we believe that goes against God's plan for sex. So we need to offer our affection in holy ways to those in the Church. Please help us learn how to do that in godly ways, and please give us the chance to have Christian intimacy with you. This battle is really heavy in our lives. Sometimes it causes us to not want to live. So having this heaviness in our lives and constantly feeling like we are on the bench doesn't help the situation.

This analogy fails because the coach decides when this dude can play soccer with the team. However, God has already decided all people are allowed to play on the CHURCH'S team and its mission. There are NO SUBS!

Please include us in your lives! Make us get groceries for you! Have us watch your kids, have dinner with you and your family, take us on dates with you and your spouse, and have us third wheel it. Make us responsible for meeting the daily needs in your lives. Look at us in our eyes and tell us that we are meaningful. Have face-to-face intimacy with us. We need it. That is called accountability. God has already called us to have some playing time with you.

Please don't get overwhelmed when we want to cry in your arms because of the joy or pain of living with you and playing on the same team.

Please don't think we are obsessed with your lives and are making idols of wanting to be included in your family.

We want to cry in your arms because we are in pain and joy. We want to cry in your arms because we are playing some soccer with you.

We want to cry in your sweaty, strong, loving, and warm arms because we are on the same TEAM.

My friend affirmed this dude and created a safe place in his arms, chest, and shoulder to cry in and feel the affirmation, love, strength, and brotherhood that this dude belongs to. He was rejoicing. My friend was meeting a need. A great need.

How awesome that we can meet each other's needs like this!

That is called a blessing.

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What does it mean to be attracted to the same sex as a Christian?

During the time I lived in the Biola dorms, I was in an extreme pursuit of learning as much as I could about the subculture of the Christian life and its views concerning homosexuality. Not just at Biola but at the various churches I would attend and the many pastors I had conversations with concerning homosexuality.

To my surprise, many Christians didn't understand what it meant to be attracted to the same sex.

I was a Christian who believed sexual acts between the same sex were sinful and lived in a loving community of Christians. Many of my close friends, professors, and pastors didn't understand what was happening in my mind and the lives of hundreds of other Christians who struggle with this. They had an idea that anyone who is attracted to the same sex wanted to see everyone they are attracted to naked, give them a blowjob, or do something lustful. And I can assure you, that is not the case.

I hope I can adequately help you understand what it means to be attracted to the same sex as a Christian who believes homosexuality is not a part of God's creativity for sex and friendship. I want to clarify any wrong ideas and affirm any correct beliefs Christians may have concerning the type of attraction those of us in the Church have towards the same sex.

First, those of us who are attracted to the same sex don't want to see everyone naked. We don't want to have sex with everyone and are not lusting after every person we are attracted to. We simply find the same sex attractive. We can see beauty in the same sex. I'm sure most men can identify what men are attractive (Chris Pratt, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Matt Damon, Eddie Redmayne, Scott Eastwood, David Clark thinks Jimmy Garopollo is) and who is not. In today's culture, it is acceptable for women to acknowledge who is "hot," whether they are gay or not. But for men, it's not the same. Men will not talk about what men are "hot" because they don't want to be associated with something they are not, gay, as if gay men are the only men who can identify which men are attractive. Since I admire athleticism, I find soccer players and clean-cut guys with blonde hair and blue eyes with a six-pack attractive. I think the ancient Greeks and I had the same idea of an attractive man. The male and female body is a beautiful work of art. I'm sure God is attracted to both of them. We should dive more into the goodness and beauty of being attracted to another human and learn how to discipline our minds that want more than what is given. There is a big difference between same-sex attraction and same-sex lust. One is good the other is sinful.

Second, because we are sinful and for many other psychological reasons, we want to experience sexual pleasure with the same sex; this is lust, sin, and fallenness. I admit it, I want to have sex with the same sex, especially soccer players. And why not have that with someone you are attracted to? But there is a lot more to talk about when it comes to the beauty of the human body and what it means that we are attracted to it. I cover this topic a lot more in upcoming blogs.

Third, being attracted to someone and lusting after someone are two completely different states of mind. I cannot choose who I am attracted to (I believe this occurs because of many psychological conditions within one's life). It just happens. I just identify who I think is attractive based on a simple view of another person. Now, those in the gay community say they are "born this way." I wish they could be more accurate by explaining the difference between being attracted to someone and wanting to have sex with someone they are attracted to. (I will address this again)

Fourth, I believe a biblical understanding of lust has to do with wanting something that is against the boundaries of God's plan for his creation. Lucifer allowed lust to come into his heart when he tried to be higher than God, and Adam and Eve allowed lust to come into their being when they ate the forbidden fruit. We sexually lust after humans when we fantasize about having sex with each other if it is outside the boundaries of marriage. The desire to have sex with another human and connect on this level is not evil. It's how we think about it and implement it outside God's ordained order, then it becomes wrong.

When the gay community states, "God made us this way," they believe their attraction and desire to have sex/relationship with the same sex is something they do not choose; it's natural.

I agree with this, especially when it comes to the fact that we are attracted to who we are attracted to. The choice is not always a part of the attraction. When they say, "God made them this way," and they are referring to sex or the want of a same-sex relationship, I think they are confusing attraction with their want to have sex with the same sex, which then becomes a lustful evil. Again, attraction and lust are different.

One of the arguments concerning the sexual orientation of humans is that "we should be allowed to have sex with consenting humans that we are attracted to" As a follower of Jesus, I believe that is straight-up wrong. Our attraction toward other humans does not give us an ethical code that allows us to have sex with them. The privilege of having sex with other humans comes from the creator of the humans and his plan and purpose for that. It's God's rules, not whatever our human conditioning (physically and emotionally) has done to us sexually.

Lastly, for those of us in the Church that find the same sex attractive, we want Godly, biblical, healthy, same-sex intimacy. Jesus grants us that blessing in his New Covenant, and the Church is obligated to meet that. We are not lusting. We are just simply longing for intimacy. We want to know those we are attracted to physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We also want to know others to whom we are not attracted. We want to know them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We want to be touched and hugged.

We want to spend time with you guys and look into your eyes, and hear your heart concerning whatever passions you have in life. We want to engage in spiritual brotherhood and sisterhood. We want to know you physically. We may be attracted to your body, but that does not mean we lust after you. We want to play sports with you guys and hit the showers. Go skinny dipping or streaking. We want to have pillow talk with you. Or go get drinks and utter nonsense. We just want to be one of the guys. We are simply Christians attracted to the same sex. And we want to love those in the Church in the godliest, healthy, intimate ways we can, which is through deep friendship.

Christians who are attracted to the same sex want to love the Church.

The way Christ loves the Church.

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How to struggle with homosexuality and be a Christian: Transparency - let people into your life!

When I was 14, I used to google "how to struggle with homosexuality and be a Christian." I don't remember getting any good advice. But hey, you can't blame a 14-year kid who had already experienced sexual encounters with another dude to google the right questions, right? Mainly a topic like this. It's too complex to just google. But what else could I have done? I was 14, I was attracted to other boys, and I was getting pleasured already by another guy. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what I was supposed to do (I didn't understand at this time that I was also dealing with sexual abuse)

So what do I do with my attraction to the same sex?

Give me any ology, and I will side with homosexuality being immoral, unhealthy, and demeaning of friendships, which I believe is the worse! I already felt homosexuality was sinful; maybe I was conditioned to think that because of my religious background. But now, I believe that for many physiological, psychological, anthropological, and theological reasons.

But when I was 14, I sincerely believed it was wrong, but I also knew something else about me, I loved friendship. I would rather be in a community of friends, men, and women, than be married having sex.

My Church didn't have any education concerning this topic, and it was a political community that spoke out passionately against gays and their desire for marriage. But I wanted to be touched by men, have time with men, and experience "feelings" with men. As a 14-year-old kid, I didn't know this consciously, but as I look back at my teenage years, I see myself chasing after it in many ways.

One time I made shirts with my buddies that said, "Marriage equals one man and one woman," and I wanted to go to Disneyland and wear it during the gay pride weekends. I'm happy I never had the chance to do that.

But I was lost. I wasn't confused, though. I was just in the church halls and sanctuary walking around, trying to figure out what I should do. Who do I talk to about this? As I was getting older, my want for men was increasing. My Google search was growing, my book reading was increasing, and my desire for deep male friendship was increasing.

By the time I started attending Biola, I had good male friends and met new friends. And boy, was it a joy. To live in dorms with all your friends is a blast. It's like a never-ending sleepover, but it was also a struggle. I had to deal with seeing naked men, experiencing touch from men and not knowing what to do with it, and wanting more from them.

But I was also learning a lot.

Biola was a fantastic experience. Having theological discussions about love and friendship, God, grace, and justice. I was starting to experience the joy of living in a Christian Community. But I also had some intense low points.

I became best friends with someone, and that went downhill. I didn't know how to handle that friendship as transitions were taking place in our life. I didn't know how to handle my friends that were only studying theology and trying to fix my homosexuality with only that, their theology. Living in a Christian community can get really tough. It's not always easy. But it is worth it. It is the Church. It is what Christ came and died for.

I'm still alive. I still have friends that love me well. But they are not perfect. And I am not perfect. I still have nights when I don't feel like living, but I also have nights when I am in great joy. I have friends that touch me, spend time with me, and are incredibly vulnerable with me. Some of these friends I hurt too. I am a terrible friend, believe it or not. For how much I desire friendship and good friendship, I realize I am a terrible one compared to my friends.

And they still love me.

I get it for those who are attracted to the same sex and believe it is sinful to act on your desire. It sucks, and it hurts. And it's worse when the Church doesn't understand.

They don't get it.

And on top of that, you have needs. You need to be intimately loved by your same-sex friends, and that's great! And so, I end with this.

Let your friends into your life. Share with them your pains and joys.

It is a risk.

They will hurt you, and you will hurt them. They will not understand you at times, and they could be afraid of you. They will retreat to theology and throw it at you because it makes sense and feels safe for them.

Can we really blame them?

Give them grace. God already has your life in his hands. Go for the ride. It will be painful, though. But it will be worth it.

And if you are a teenager, tell your youth pastor or parents that you are attracted to your buddies. Your youth pastors want to hear your struggles. They want to listen to what's going on in your life. And you can trust them. You don't have to feel alone. You can cry in their arms, and everything will be okay. You don't need to be alone in your room on google trying to find answers.

And I promise you, God likes you. He doesn't hate you

Also, your friends like you too. And they want to hear from you. You can be the first leader in your community to share a vulnerable part of your life with them, and others will follow you and be set free from their shame and darkness. Some can handle it, and others can't. But that is the risk of being in a community.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

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The 4T's

Hello there!

I'm sure for those of you on social media, it's pretty dull now to see blog after blog talk about gay marriage, Christians talking about the gay community, etc. If you add numerous negative combative Facebook conversations, I'm sure this can add more frustration to an already played-out conversation. I'm sure my own Facebook account adds to that. I'm sorry for that. I hope this blog site can be more than that, though.

However, when it comes to this site, I will talk about the 4T's and why I believe it is essential to give these T's to people in the Church, especially those who struggle with homosexuality. For quite some time, Christians have only heard biblical lectures about the immorality of gay relationships. They haven't been heard how to PRACTICALLY love Christians attracted to the same sex who believe it is wrong to act out their sexual desires.

And this is why I created this site. To allow the Church to understand the life of a Christian who struggles with homosexuality and give practical examples of how a Christian can love a fellow Christian who is attracted to the same sex.

And I am starting with the 4T's - TOUCH, TIME, TRANSPARENCY, and TEAMWORK.

The site already has some content concerning the 4T's. Each blog will be related to a T, and then I will have a follow-up blog with a post from my friends who experienced these T's with me.

I believe that the 4T's is an excellent way of establishing the intimacy that we who struggle with homosexuality desperately seek from our Church family. And I want to ensure I communicate this well; the 4T's are not some cure I believe that takes away same-sex attraction or anything like that. Only the Holy Spirit can sanctify us through the Church community or however he sees fit.

And it has to start with the Church offering them to us.

We need long hugs. We need shoulders to cry on. Arms to relax in as we watch a movie. Quality time, affection specific to us, vulnerability, etc.

We want the Church to know we will be attracted to some of you guys, but please still accept us after the fact. Don't be afraid of us.

We will not violate you; if we do, please forgive us.

We are not looking for a romantic relationship with the same sex, but if we fall into an eros form of love, please have grace on us and lead us out of it with grace and love. Please have some compassion for us. Walk with us; please don't leave.

We are simply trying to make it through the halls of the churches and sit in the seats of big sanctuaries full of Christians who seem to understand only their straight theology and lifestyle.

We want to make it to the great day of the Lord when we will be glorified like Christ.

But.........

That is not the only plan God has in store for us. He wants Christians who struggle with homosexuality to intimately know our fellow Christian brothers and sisters and whether we are attracted to them. He wants us to thrive in the Christian community and be church leaders. He wants us to be in the lives of families and give selflessly to others. He wants us to serve you breakfast, have lunch, and sit around the dinner table with you guys. Help raise your children. He expects a lot from us.

But he also expects a lot from those with the sinful sexual orientation of heterosexuality. He knows they also need their sexuality and idolization of marriage to be made new. Made into something better. He wants the Church to touch those that need to touch the way Christ touched others. He wants the Church to give quality time so that it breaks social boundaries, like how Jesus did with women in the gospels. He wants the Church to be vulnerable with others like Jesus was on the cross with all the sinners and disciples.

He expects those that struggle with homosexuality and those that struggle with heterosexuality to love each other the way Christ loved the Church.

Selflessly with love for God and others

Please venture into the 4T's with me and ask yourself what you are willing to give up to help a fellow brother or sister who is attracted to the same sex, a Christian that might even be attracted to you.

Will you TOUCH us? Will you spend quality TIME with us? Will you be TRANSPARENT with us?

Will you let us be a part of the TEAM?

I pray and hope you say YES!

It is a Yes to loving us and allowing us to love you. (In very practical ways)

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