Teamwork: Pastors, Let's talk about married male church members having affairs with other men using Grindr.

My generation is extremely comfortable with gay men and women. Christian teenagers are easily convinced that being gay is natural and that God made them that way.  Being gay is nothing new anymore.  There is gay and straight and life goes on.  

A Christian young adult that decides to embrace their desire to have a same-sex relationship decides by the age of 22 -24, sometimes sooner.  They usually don’t get involved in a traditional marriage because they realize it doesn’t fit their sexual preference or orientation. 

But for the older generation, I would say 45 years and older, there are some major issues taking place now and days.  

Many men are having secret affairs with other men.  

And many are using one specific app, Grindr.  

According to research in 2017 by Quantcast (A company that does research on apps), it reveals the most searched dating app In Every U.S. State.  

“Grindr performed well in coastal states. The gay dating app ruled California and Maine, but also proved popular in states that are traditionally less LGBT-friendly. Grindr was also the most searched service in Nevada, Missouri, and Mississippi."

Grindr has 27 million registered users with 30% of them from the United States.

That leaves about 8 to 9 million users in the US. 

If you simply download the app, you will see many men that describe themselves as married that are DL.  

DL meaning secret, down low. They can be married, or not out yet.  

Many of these men have children, full-time jobs, they are lawyers, police officers, pastors, judges, youth leaders, etc.  

I receive many many emails and facebook messages from older men that have lost their families and careers because they got caught hooking up with another man from Grindr or craigslist. 

There is one common thing that all these men have in common. 

They all long for male intimacy.  

They love their wives and children, but they also long for male intimacy.  

And they are not getting it from their current lives so they try to find it in a community that is supposedly all about male intimacy, the gay community.  

But let’s put this topic on hold for a second and go for a detour.

There is a book called "The Buddy System, Understanding Male Friendships," written by a professor of sociology names Geoffrey L. Greif.

This book goes through the life stages of the modern American male. 

Males have close buddies as children, teenagers, college students, young adults, then when they get married everything changes. 

They lose it all. 

They move away from friends and family for a job, their marriage, they start the American dream.  They have children and now all life is about their wife and children with none of their male needs for same-sex friendship being filled. Many of these men get depressed, suicidal, they feel lonely, etc. 

Another book that supports this epidemic, is the book Tribe written by Sebastian Junger.

He writes about the unity that takes place in communities that experience war and trauma.  

But he also states many men are going through great periods of loneliness because they are not connected to their male peers the way men should be connected. He gives stories after stories and research findings of PTSD and sexual abuse that men go through and how it is connected to men not getting the community they need.

My male generation has been given the tools and resources to reach out for help and live a gay or straight life if we want.

The older male generation, with all their shit they have been through, still played the part of the nuclear husband and father and denied their same-sex intimacy needs they have.  

Now, many of them are trying to find ways to meet those needs.  And sadly, not all are going to the church for those needs. 


Well, the church right now doesn’t represent the safest place to express feelings because the Church is quite concerned with truth and holiness and somehow the Church seems to be a culture where everyone needs to be perfect, married, and happy. 

Not all church, but most! 

Older men were raised in the time period where they were not allowed to express their feelings, insecurities, etc.  

They were told being gay is the worse thing in the world as a man.  Gay men were faggots, sodomites, the lowest of the low on the spectrum of masculinity. 

Men need to be tough, married, have a good job, successful, church leaders, small group leaders, etc. 

The church became a place of perfection. 

But older men were not taught how to express the needs in their life or are too afraid to or just don’t even know how to put their needs into words so they do what feels so natural,

they turn to sexuality.  

They turn to the most pleasurable experience that sometimes makes us feel comfort, safety, power, and being known.

Especially being known.  

Some men start hooking up with women to deal with their stress and wanting to get away from the stresses of life and other men started going to men to deal with the stress of life and the want to get their same-sex needs met. 

Since male friendship aren't important in the Church right now, men who need same-sex friendships are going to a place where it's only filled with males,


So, pastors, church leaders, priest, we need to fix this.  We need to step into this dark world of men hooking up with each other just to get their needs met and bring them into our homes, our hobbies, our vacations, our freedom.  

Let’s start talking about this over the pulpit, podcast, men’s retreats, men’s conferences, etc. 

Some of you guys reading this won’t believe half of what I am saying in this post, and that makes total sense to me.  

But do your own research, download Grindr and start talking to the multiple men using it that are married who are hurting and trying to find a quick feel-good moment because they are in pain trying to feel loved at the same time by other males.  

Humans are sinful, broken, messed up.

And Jesus comes into this place and breaks us even more so we can be healed properly.  

When you encounter men doing this, shit is going to get real, but it needs too so these men can be saved from the clutches of darkness. 

Some men will still lose their marriages,

their jobs, 

their long-term dreams,


maybe have to go to another church, 

but this stuff is all temporary, painful, but temporary.

God still has a purpose for them, he wants to love them and have us love them.

He will make a new home for them.  He wants to give them a new community of men to be loved by. 

He wants the Church to be better than Grindr. 

And it is.  

We can give them better intimacy than an orgasm can.  

We can go camping, watch movies, travel, share the same bed, give them hugs, work out, have coffee dates, worship God together, we can know them and they know us.  We can tell them we love them, they are important to us, and now and days we can say,

"Hey, I like you.  You are a cool guy. Let's keep hanging out. You mean a lot to me."

We can do what Jesus does, 

We can love them the way Christ loves the Church.