Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality, our married friends need our help, they keep divorcing.

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." The apostle Paul

When I was at Biola University as an 18-24-year-old student, I did the 6-year track, I hated the dating scene there. It was a scene filled with a strong desire to have sex and be one with another person, but since we are Christian, you had to get married first and it needed to be covered with spiritual language, especially the “God gave us to each other.” Although the majority of my friends crossed that sinful line of sexual immorality, making out until the man's penis couldn’t breathe anymore, so it needed to come out of the pants. Making out in cars and dorm rooms which lead to giving each other handjobs and blowjobs. I heard it all, a majority of my friends did strive for holiness, they just didn’t have any wisdom added to their sexual urges and desires, and they either had sex or were touching each other’s bodies all over the place, which all started with making out, apparently that is not sinful. I could never really understand straight Christian sexual ethics. And with California Prop 8 being one of the main topics being discussed in churches during that time, evangelical churches couldn’t stop talking about how important it was to defend marriage and keep that word from “The gays.”

Now that the gay marriage topic is over, it left something devastating for our married friends,

a false idea of marriage

and, well,

They keep on divorcing because of it!

I mean, divorce after divorce.

I personally know 9 divorces that occurred that are students from Biola University,

and many of my friends know other evangelicals that have been divorced.

Why is this happening?

I know stats keep changing about Christian divorces, so let's just say an obvious problem,

Too many Christians are getting divorced, or are having marriages that are really unhealthy, and even worse!

I mean one of the worse things happening to Christian marriages is that they are becoming idolized relationships!

I understand that the sexual revolution brought total sexual freedom to Americans,

I understand that the church reacted to that by keeping traditional and holy standards of marriage,

I understand that the gay marriage era caused the Church to become obsessed with the topic of marriage,

I understand the result of this “trying to protect marriage” caused the church to idolize it and also form really bad theologies about marriage,

especially the false idea that marriage is the most important relationship and most intimate relationship.

But now I don’t understand why we are allowing so many divorces to happen!

And so, since this falls under the leadership of Pastoral care and I don’t think Pastors are properly addressing the idolization of the nuclear family and marriage,

This responsibility lands on the next leaders of Godly Holy Sexuality,

The Christians that are single and the Christians that struggle with homosexuality.

It’s our time to invade the private lives of our married brothers and sisters and start helping them out.

The moment you hear them start saying that Marriage is only between a man and a woman,

call that shit out!

New Covenant Marriage is between communities and friendships coming together to ordain a man and a woman entering into a covenant to help the Church out!

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let them get away with the idea that it's about “their love.” They will divorce over that idea.

They will realize that “compatibility” changes during seasons of life. They will realize they don’t feel “truly loved.” They will realize “their spouse will never truly know them.” They will realize that “sex isn’t the greatest.” They will realize that their “spouse can’t meet all their needs” and even deep needs they have. They will realize at times they don’t want to be married anymore, or they don’t want to be around their spouse all the time.

They will realize Marriage might have been a mistake for them, but a mistake the God uses to make them more like Christ.

And we are a part of this learning.

We need to stop letting our friends move away during their early years of marriage because stats are showing those are the most important years they need Church community, friends, and family investing in them.

We need to invite them into our hearts and tell them we need them and they need us.

Ask them questions. Lots of questions.

Ask them more questions.

Ask them personal questions.

Ask them about their sex life.

Sometimes their sex life isn’t as great as the Pastor keeps saying it is or how the Bible Professor keeps teaching it is.

Sometimes Christians can’t really have sex.

Sometimes they are having too much sex and it becomes an idol.

Sometimes friends who are husbands are just getting off and not pleasing his wife.

Are they giving as much as receiving?

Do they have insecurities they need to work on?

Are they treating their spouse nicely?

Are they being servants to each other?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Ask them if they need you to move in with them.

Ask them if they can move in with you.

Ask them are they talking to their pastors?

Tell the pastors the couple he married may need help. The pastor is responsible too!

Ask them how are they balancing living for the Kingdom and serving each other.

Ask them about how they spend their time.

Are they communicating well with each other?

Are they praying together and making God the center of their relationship?

Are they getting healthy space away from each other and depending on their best friendships they have?

Are they being to busy for each other? Are they creating good quality time for each other?

Are they letting friends meet their needs too?

Is the husband dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Is the wife dealing with porn or lust problems and addressing them?

Are they being hospitable and meeting the needs of others?

Do they need a babysitter?

Time away from their kids?

Their marriage is our marriage too! Unless we divorced them in our friendship. We stopped loving them the way Christ loved the Church.

Are they opening up their home for Christians like us, single or deal with same-sex attraction and need a home to hang out in and kids to jump on you and tell you, “You have a big nose.”

Are the wives having good conversations with you so they know their husbands have good friendships investing in them?

Are the husbands having good conversations with you so they know their wives have good friendships investing in them?

Are they having game nights? Movie nights? Beer and wine nights?

Are the husbands having guy time and the wives having ladies nights?

Are you planning vacations with them?

Are you calling them out if they are mean to each other in front of you or even at home? (some couples get used to bickering and will do it in front of you, you have every right to tell them to knock that off in front of you, your space is also important)

Are we asking them are you being a good husband or wife?

Are we also showing them grace and patience?

Are we holding them through thick and thin?

Are we going through the bad times and the good times with them?

Are we going through rich and poor times with them?

In sickness and in health?

Are we getting messy with them as life gets messy with them?

Are we encouraging them to adopt and have children?

Are we reminding them their marriage is beyond their own happiness?

I know we have felt pushed aside from our married friends.

I know the Bride of Christ values marriage more than singleness and the gift of celibacy.

I know the Bride of Christ doesn’t always know how to deal with same-sex attraction.

But the lessons we have learned in life not being married is that the world needs our love, attention, time, and sacrifice.

The world also needs families to pursue them! This will indirectly help them with their own selfishness as well as provide them with more human relationships to meet their own human needs.

The church has been preaching prosperity marriage and it’s killing marriages.

Us Christian singles and Christians that struggle with homosexuality need to remind our friends and teach our friends that marriage is about commitment!

We need to show them this commitment too!

We went to their weddings. We celebrated them. We danced with them. We either said nothing to them as they dated or was there when they dated.

Some of us are doing good and the best we can for our married friends.

Others, well, we are too quiet.

We need to speak up! Speak life into these marriages. Speak hope! Feel their pain and frustrations.

They shouldn’t tell their spouse all their sinful ways, no human can hold the weight of another humans sinfulness.

We need a team. Marriages need more than the two people married. Marriages need the team, family, friends, Church community that married them.

This is how Single Christians and Christians that struggle with homosexuality can love the Church.

This is how we can love our Christians friends who are married.

This is how we love Christians the way Christ loved the Church.

Don’t let the idolized, false, Disney marriage narrative that comes from the pulpit be the only teacher of marriage.

We are the hands and feet of God. Let’s be that!

We love you married Christians. We are here for you!

We will be invading you! We need you and you need us.

As the Apostle Paul teaches to the Church, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.”

And if you are a Christian that did get a divorce, don't let shame or self-pity take over your life. Move on and love the world. The world still needs the love in your heart. You still matter.