A letter to Christians walking alongside Christians who struggle with homosexuality.
I want to say thank you!
You have walked a very hard path very few Christians encounter in their Christian walk. You have sought the deep love in your heart and have tried over and over to express that to Christians like me that have many deep wounds, pain hurt, insecurity, questions about masculinity, questions about sexuality, questions about your sexuality, the list goes on of our neediness.
A neediness that is a sign that the Holy Spirit is doing a work in our hearts.
But you my friend have crossed that line of normal friendship and entered into a world of chaos and anguish.
A world of neediness, a world of self-hatred, a world of confusion and emptiness.
When we meet Christians like you, we will gravitate towards you quickly.
I think Henri Nouwen Sums up the type of friend you are here…
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life
That is the role you have played in our lives.
You are the type of friend we will attach ourselves to emotionally, call you every day and ask how are you doing?
We will be overcommitted to you, have unhealthy boundaries. Give you whatever you want.
Sorry about that, we were still learning how to be friends with someone who was willing to dive into this with us. You were an answered prayer.
We would die for you (I don’t think that always bad though, we want to love with our lives, we were made for that)
We will cry many nights because of the deep pain in our hearts. Cry about the abuses and shame we have had to deal with since we were 10 years old and realized we are different than all the other boys on the playground.
We were called a fag, queer, pushed around, bullied, molested, raped,
We felt worthless since we were kids and you come around and act like the older brother we have been longing for and needed.
You defended us and protected us.
You heard our story and realized that you can do something about it.
Sometimes we were suicidal, we would say very hateful things towards the church and our friends if we let our anger take over our hearts.
We will hate it when you date because we will get jealous, or feel like we are losing a friend that seemed to be the very hands and feet of Jesus, the person we long to be connected to.
We don’t always know how to live in an evangelical setting the idolizes marriage.
It confuses us, it causes us deep anger.
But you step into this shit and say,
“How can I help?”
“What can I do?”
“Tell me your story?”
At times, you might over commit and realize you didn’t know what you were signing up for, then you will back out.
You feel like you have been trapped and that we are pulling you down with us in our everlasting pit of shame, pain, agony, and sorrow.
You began to realize that you are very different than us. You feel lost and you start to realize you need the help of Christ or you are going to drown with us.
You didn't know how much this will cost you.
Sometimes you just need to cut ties with us. You need to save yourself from our craziness.
We get it, most of us would do the same in your situation.
We are crazy as fuck and we know it.
But that is our world. That is what we deal with daily. We live with this everlasting, inwardly eternal dissonance.
Sometimes we laugh about it, do drugs, get drunk, hook up with hundreds of men just to stay alive because this pain is to heavy for us.
We have been talking to God about this too since we were 10 years old.
He knows all about this.
God seems quiet most of the time.
But then you show up and it seems like God is louder than ever.
Because you are God’s hands and feet.
Sometimes we will put to much trust on you, too much responsibility on you. We don’t want to carry this, we would trade places with anyone in a heartbeat.
But again, you step in and say,
“What can I do?”
“How can I help?”
Some of us need help understanding a healthy theology of trusting in Jesus as we are alone and that God is truly in us, living with us offering peace and power to our chaos.
Some of us need a friend to just chill and watch Netflix.
Some of us need to go on road trips and get out of our environment for a bit.
Some of us need to live with you and your spouse (thanks Jeremy and Linsey).
Some of us need a shoulder to cry on and hold our hand as we feel the deep pain of disconnect from friends we have had falling outs with (Thanks Tyler)
Some of us need to understand what same-sex attraction means in our life.
Some of us just need a hug, a long one.
Some of us need to be affirmed that we matter and that the Church isn’t afraid of us.
Some of us need to be told that we have much to offer the kingdom of God, to his church, and to our friends. We need to be told we are slaves to Christ (Thanks Kolby).
Some of us need help telling our parents, friends, and church leaders that we struggle with this and don’t know what to do.
Some of us just need to be told, everything is going to be okay because it really is.
The list goes on.
and I want to say,
You entered into something that is hard. You entered into a friendship that is going to test you. A friendship that will question your ideas of marriage, friendship, and the local church. It might scare you, cause you pain, challenge you and make you very uncomfortable at times.
We might be attracted to you.
Let me take that back,
we will be attracted to you.
We will need to talk about this so we can deal with the shame that occurs with this and even the lust in our hearts. You were willing to talk about the body with us. How to treat your body with respect and treat your body as a brother and not a sex object. You also treated us like a brother. You were not afraid of us. You treated us with trust. You took us into the locker room and showers and said,
"You belong here with me."
You are a man just like I am.
Most Christians handle a friendship that is side by side, but we will need a friendship that is face to face.
Again, thank you for stepping into our world for a bit, and trying the best that you can do. At the end of the day, we know that God is the only one that can save us, but whatever the Church can offer, we will take it.
We don’t just want to take though, we want to love and sacrifice. We have already told God, “Fine, we won’t pursue what feels natural to us. But please give us someone or friends to love. We can’t live life alone. You didn’t make us like that.”
“God, You made a covenant with Abraham and called him Friend.”
“We can live without sex, but we can’t live without friends.”
“You saved humanity through a friendship.”
“Can you please bring friends around?”
to the Christian who walks alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality,
You have been the hands and feet of Christ.
And don’t forget, the hands and feet of Christ were pierced.
Being his hands and feet will hurt.
It will cost.
But there is glory behind it.
The glory being like Christ.
The glory of being used by the Holy Spirit to bring light and hope in the darkness that homosexuality can be.
Again thank you. That is all we can offer sometimes. We might not be able to offer you stability, but we can offer you a very introspective reflection of the work the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts.
In your heart.
We can show you the hidden sinful nature of your own life as you walk alongside us.
Because you will hear question after question about what is right? What is healthy? What is Holy? What is Christian?
What does it mean that Jesus said, "Pick up your Cross and follow me.”
What does it mean that “We will be like the angels in heaven that are not married.”
What does it mean to be single and married in the local church?
The apostles taught that the Word of God will pierce our own existence separating our bones from our flesh.
Walking alongside Christians that struggle with homosexuality and are pursuing the Holiness of God in their life will cause everyone around them to rethink their own ideas of self, their pursuit of Christ, and the influence you will have with the humans around you and in your life.
Christians who struggle with homosexuality have a lot to offer you.
But it will be tough.
But for right now, I just want to leave you with this,
Thank you for walking with us.
You have done a great job.