Transparency and Teamwork: To my Christian brothers, let's talk about our sexual abuse

“But if you are a poor creature--poisoned by a wretched up-bringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels--saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion--nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends--do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

“Hey Richard, can I share something with you?”

"Sure man go for it! I'm here."

“When I was younger, my older brother made me give him a blowjob.”

“When I was younger, an older Christian member of my church molested me.”

“When I was younger, my father abused me and raped me. He would hit me a lot.”

“When I was younger, my older brother and his boyfriend made me do sexual things with them.”
 
“When I was a kid, my youth pastor made us get naked together.”

“When I was young, there was this older man I became close with and one thing lead to another and we would have anal sex together.  He would do that to me.  (What would he do exactly?) He would....um.....he would....(You don't have to tell me) He would shove his penis in me. (Dang man, did that hurt?) ......um yea man. Eventually, I started to like it though.

“When I was a teenager, my mentor ask me to masturbate with him.”

“When I was 16, an older Church friend asked me to jack him off and asked if he can jack me off.”

“When I was 14, this older dude would suck my dick.”

“When I was 14, I would go to my friend's house and his older brother would make me suck his dick.”

“When I was younger, one of my friends would sort of make us get naked together and touch each other.”

“When I was 9, I went on my dad’s computer and I saw porn on it.”

“When I was 10, I saw porn for the first time at a friends house.”

“When I was 11, I saw porn on my dad’s computer.”

“When I was 12, I was online and a porn site come on and I saw a naked woman for the first time.”

“When I was 13, I saw porn on my dad’s computer. It's like he had it saved. I started watching porn that had to do with men being really violent towards women."

I usually responded to my brothers who gone through this like this,

“I’m sorry man. That is rough. Have you told anyone? (90% of the time they say no) How do you feel about that?

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel confused.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel bad because I liked it.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

I feel bad because I knew my friend’s brother would keep doing that to me, but I liked it.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel like my life was taken away from me.”

“I feel like my innocence was taken away from me.”

“I forgive him but I don’t understand why he did that to me.”

"I feel really embarrassed."

“I’m confused. I don’t know if I like guys or not. Some people think I'm gay.”

“I feel like I am weak.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I feel like I am gay, but I am attracted to women, but I want to hook up with men.”

“My parents found out I looked at porn and they got super mad at me.”

“ I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

“I don’t feel like a man.”

Hey! I see you! I hear you! You are not gay, you are not weak, this wasn't your choice. It isn’t fair this was put on you.  You were a kid, of course you will like the pleasure.  Of course you felt confused, alone, ashamed, and scared.  

I am sorry you went through that.  I am sorry your parents didn’t know how to handle this.  I am sorry you have been in darkness for almost your whole life.

I am sorry this is affecting your marriage, your girlfriend, your opportunity to have deep male friendships.  

I am sorry this has made you addicted to porn.

I am sorry this is making you watch gay porn.

Your penis and their penis, the body part that is the key to maleness and unity in the male brotherhood, is now a symbol of darkness, loneliness, pride, isolation.  

But my dude, you are still alive. You are not going to drown in this.  I am here man. Jesus the King is here and sees what you have gone through.  He was abused and exposed in a way that his body shouldn't have been, yet, the Father made that into an event that brings Justice for the situations we have been in.  

I hope you can trust God.

Trust the Church.

I hope you can trust me.

And for the record, you are a man.  

To my Christian family, especially men, we have gone through sexual abuse.  80% of my male friends have gone through sexual abuse.  Some stats say 1 out of 6 men have gone through sexual abuse. As I have started this site, I have heard countless stories of men going through horrible sexual abuse as a kid.  I have heard pastors tell me stories of their students being abused by fathers, uncles, cousins, church members, etc.

Sexual abuse is as common as stealing, lying, affairs, etc.

We are a broken humanity.  We need to talk about this brokenness and not hide it.  We need to walk into the locker room together, be vulnerable, be one, trust each other again. Defend each other.  Be loyal.

Since most of my friends know I struggle with homosexuality, most of them have told me their deep darkest secrets because apparently, I have one of the worse sins to deal with so I can understand their shame, secrets, pain, darkness, addictions.  

I understand embarrassment.  

What saddens me is I see them try to deal with their secrets in ways that are not showing God’s redeeming work in their life.  Instead, we hid our secrets with hook ups, girlfriends, marriage, ministry, pride.  We think we can just move on and forgive.  We don't want to feel the feelings of weakness, betrayal, darkness.

We never deal with the pain that someone used our body the wrong way.

We never deal with the shame that there was a penis put in our mouth.

We never deal with the guilt that there was a penis shoved in our bottom.

We never deal with the confusion of liking an older male touching us when we were not supposed to be touched a certain way.  

We don’t know how to stop looking at porn when we never chose it in the beginning. It just popped up on our parent's computer when we were a kid.  Now we can’t stop or want to stop and we are married afraid to tell our wife or girlfriend because they will make this issue about them and not our own brokenness and sin.

Men, we are hurting and we are staying silent about it.

We are not being a team. We are not being transparent with each other.  

We are avoiding sitting down together, holding each other and saying,

"I need help, I was fucked as a kid." (because fucked is the best word to describe this experience)

We would rather pursue intimacy with a woman and avoid the awkwardness of being loved by fellow men, brothers, friends that will hear you say,

“When I was a kid, I gave another man a blowjob.”

“When I was a kid, some man put his penis in me.”

Men, I see you afraid and confused on how to connect back with the team you belong to.  You don’t know how to connect with men because you are ashamed of what happened to you and what you did. You feel like this takes away your man card.  Your penis is weak.  Your manhood is weak.  Your masculinity can’t fulfill its purpose because it was taken from you. Your dignity was taken away. Your strength. You feel like it was your fault.

When someones makes a gay joke, you feel the weight of it because you feel something gay happened to you. Your body was used the wrong way.  You had no control over the situation.

 Now you hook up with girls to feel like you are in control when really, you are still out of control and that little kid in you is begging for someone to come and defend you. To back you up. Protect you.

I feel sad about that. I hope you can mourn that properly and righteously

WITH OTHER Christian MEN.

I hope you can come back to the club, the crew, the team, the locker room

and say,

“Guys, I was taken advantage of when I needed someone there to help me.”

“I was used by another man. “

“He made me give him a blowjob.”

“He made me get naked with him.”

“It feels like he destroyed my masculinity.”

“I wish I didn’t look at porn when I was a kid.”

“I wish my parents knew I really didn’t know what I was doing.”

“What the fuck happened to me?”

"Can someone please just hold my hand and walk with me for a little?"

These questions are the questions ruling our hearts.

They control us.  They make us become prideful and stubborn.  They cause us to shrink and hide.  They cause us to only find intimacy in a woman.  But really, what you are looking for is a mother, but your wife or girlfriend isn’t your mom.  She is a helper.  But we know deep down we need more than a helper.  

We need a brother, a friend,

another man to look you in the eyes as you confess your heaviness and he responds with

“Hey man, I’m hearing what happened to you.”

“This is really shitty.”

“But my dude,”

 “You are a man.”

“You are a man with me.”

“I am a man with you.”

“Let's walk together through your pain and anger.”

“You can cry in my arms if you need to.”

“I will touch you the proper brotherly way men are suppose to touch each other.”

“I will be naked with you the proper way men are supposed to be naked with each other.”

“I will not use you or take advantage of your masculinity.”

“You are my brother, you are a man, and it takes a man to talk about this shit.”

So to my Christian brothers, let's be real with each other now.  Let's trust each other and cry together over the sexual abuse that is occurring in our lives and in the lives of little boys, young teenagers, and even men that get sexually assaulted.

We say we live in a messed up sinful world,

Well, let's start talking about that with each other and grow from that.

If you are a man that has been sexually abused, please email me. Contact me. I want to hear you, but let me warn you, I will challenge you to grow from that experience. Sometimes to grow from that experience, we also need to report that experience to the authorities.  So I will challenge you with that if you contact me.

 Our identity as men isn’t wrapped around what happened to us.  

It’s wrapped around the fact that you are a man because God calls you that.  

And don’t let this control your life. Don’t let it cause you to pursue marriage or romance to hide your pain.  Don’t let it cause you to use your wife or girlfriend just so you can feel like a man.

You are stronger than that.  

You are my brother.

You are my dude.

You can cry, be angry, be sad, mourn

and still be a man.

Join the team of men.  Be vulnerable with your friends, your pastors, mentors, trust that there are good men in your life that will care for you and respect you and your body the way it is supposed to be respected.

You have a penis, they have a penis.  That is a great thing! Let's celebrate that.

You are a man and you belong to the world of manhood.

Let yourself be loved by men. I know you have always longed for that.  

Why not let yourself have that now?

May you finally have the chance to hear another man tell you the most simple and profound words you have longed to hear,

"Hey dude, I'm here for you. I'll walk with you. Don't be embarrassed.

You are a man."